I haven't felt true happiness in so long that it's hard to even say when. Yeah I was unbelievably overwhelmed with happiness when Sean was born and he makes me happy every single day but that's not what I mean. I guess you could say there are different types of happiness. Ever since I got sober I believe there was this like dark cloud looming over me. Friday I picked up Hailey from my mom at like 7 in the morning and she stayed with me until after dinner on Tuesday. On Monday we all went to my grandfather's house to take a dip in the pool, I told my boyfriend if he wanted to, invite his little sister along who is 11 so she came as well. My mom called earlier that day asking what time we were planning on going (my grandfather doesn't care at all who comes to use the pool, he doesn't even need to be home. He leaves the gate to the backyard unlocked so me, my SO and the 2 kids were just gonna go by for a dip) and I told my mom I wasn't too sure but probably not until 2 or so because I didn't want to go in the dead of the heat. So she offered to come and bring food to make on the grill which was great of her so we made plans for 3pm. So we all met up, my grandfather was there too and my daughter was happy because she had Mark's (my man's) sister to play with. My daughters close to 8 and his sister is 11 so not too bad. My sister ended up coming too who is now 17 and her boyfriend and my step-father showed up later because he had been working. I had such a wonderful time I can't even express how I felt. We left a little past 6. But it was great at first Sean, my little one was scared of the pool (it's an inground pool so I imagine it looked pretty intimidating to him) and when we would try to carry him in he would cry but by the end he was jumping in the pool into my sisters arms saying "one two three go!" He knew where the stairs were in the low end and knew he could only go the the 2nd one, I'm so excited now to go get swimmies and a little tube for him. We were all so tired when we got home, Hailey came home with us instead of my mom which was surprising to me cuz I thought she would have missed her but she wanted to come with me and I will never say no. Me and my mom sat by ourselves and chit-chatted a bit. I actually went to sleep Monday night with a smile on my face and that is a miracle. I wrote my mom a nice e-mail telling her. I felt so fulfilled like with love, it's been so long since I've felt part of my family and that's so important to me. Yeah I've gone over my mom's for coffee in the morning and stuff and we've been getting along. There were just so many things I realized that day like first off she trusts me a bit she has to in order to let me take Hailey as much as I or Hailey wants, she doesn't call like she used to asking 20 questions about the visit. She also doesn't seem like suspicious when she talks to me, it's hard to explain but to me it does show she has gained a bit even if a little trust in me. Also she was playing with Sean in the pool, she cut up his chicken and fed him a little. I know this doesn't sound like much but with what happened with my screwing up with drugs and her having to have guardianship of my oldest, when I had Sean she at one point had said something towards she wasn't going to get attached to him because if I f-up again she's not gonna be taking responsibility for him too. But lately she's been getting to know him like when we go over she'll take him outside in the yard and like I said all she did on Monday. Ever since then I feel like I've been glowing a bit, even when my boyfriend pulled his little crabbiness it didn't phase me at all! I've missed my family so much and I was told it was just a matter of time but I couldn't help getting irritated and very impatient but I stuck to it and maybe now things will move a bit more. Hopefully anyway, right?
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