So as I said in my last blog - it is impossible to describe what it's like being a mother.  But, I can describe what it's like living with a one month old little girl.  So here's some things I've learned over the last month:

- I'd rather be peed on than pooped on.  No matter how tight you secure a diaper, there WILL be leaks.  Babies have EXPLOSIVE poop, and as Dave found out this morning it can shoot across a room if not covered by a diaper.

- Whoever said babies' poop doesn't smell was a liar.  A big fat liar.  There is nothing stinkier than a formula fart.

- It can be very frustrating trying to figure out why a baby is crying.  It's usually from hunger, or a wet diaper, or a dropped binky.. but sometimes it has no reason.  Babies can't tell you why they're crying, and you have to be a detective trying to figure it out.

- The worst way to figure out if a diaper needs to be changed is by sticking your finger in to take a feel.  My mom does this, and barely got out in time before an explosive poop came out.  This prompted our new ongoing joke: "Stick your finger in there and find out."

- Nothing is more surprising than the size of the boogers you can get out of a baby's nose.  My daughter sneezed one out at me that was literally the size of her entire nostril.  Needless to say she felt better after that.

- As a mommy, your main source of conversation material is about either poop, pee, snot, or puke.

- The stand-up comedian Bill Engvall has a bit about how they should invent an alarm clock that sounds like a baby throwing up.  This is 100% true.  Nothing will wake you up quicker than the bubbling gurgling sound of a baby barfing.

- No matter how deep of a sleep you are in, the slightest sound from your baby will wake you up.

- Going on an outing takes 100 times more effort with a baby.  You would not think that you would need so much stuff for a person that only weighs 9 pounds.  You have the carseat, and the stroller, and the diaper bag, and blankets in case she gets cold, and a trash bag for dirty diapers, etc. etc.

- The littlest achievements that your baby makes are HUGE.  She grasped onto her own bottle the other day and it was amazing.  It may have just been a fluke, but I'm taking the classic mom stand of "My baby is smarter than any other baby in the history of mankind."  Little things like her being able to lift up her head, or new noises that aren't cries, are amazing accomplishments.

- Even though she is only nine pounds, Olivia can let out a burp or a fart that would rival any fat drunk 250 lb. man.

- Snuggling with a sleeping baby will put you to sleep faster than any sleeping pill.  This does not mean, however, that your baby will fall asleep as quickly as you do.

- Breastfeeding is amazing.... until your little girl gets the milk flowing & then lets the nipple fall out of her mouth & your boob squirts milk all over the room & all over your baby's face, which results in a screaming baby who's pissed because you got milk in her eye.

- Going into public is not a discreet event.  If you have ever wanted to know how it feels to be a celebrity hounded by paparrazzi, try taking out a newborn.  Everyone will come up to you to tell you how cute she is, ask when she was born, how much she weighs, etc.  I have done this myself, and only now that I have a baby do I realize how awkward it is to be on the receiving end.  Not that I don't appreciate the compliments.. but it is odd having complete strangers constantly approaching you at the dinner table & at the store, or anywhere that you are.

- Bathtime is alot of fun, until it's time to put the diaper & the clothes back on.  Olivia does not like being fussed over.

- Don't expect to be able to go out & do anything fun that you used to be able to do.  I haven't been out partying since before I got pregnant.  But what they don't tell you is, you really don't miss it.

- The drive in movies are the best place to take a newborn.  She can cry & it doesn't bother anyone but us, and you can change a diaper or breastfeed during the movie without disturbing the other movie-goers.  (Not to mention that it's only $6.25 per person to see two movies instead of one!)

Well that's it for now.. I'll keep you all updated as usual.  Hope some of these gave you a giggle!
lili

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