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Babies For Sale
- Jul 8, 2008 at 3:11 AM
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- Comments (40) Total Views (2251) Everyone can see this journal post.
I wonder sometimes if the majority of society truly realizes the truth of what happens in domestic infant adoption. Those who proclaim what a wonderful act it is – are they aware of the ugliness that hides behind the prettiness? Are they aware of the severe grief and loss caused to both mother and child for the benefit of another?
I can’t believe, or rather I do not want to believe, that we have become so cold and uncaring that as a whole we feel nothing for what happens to young, pregnant women in their most desperate time of need. Are we really in the mindset to support beliefs in which we take an infant away from his or her mother when she has done NOTHING WRONG? To give that baby to another woman deemed more “worthy” simply because of the size of her bank account or marital status?
The ugly, heart-wrenching truth of domestic infant adoption lies not in the pretty picture of a child desperately in need of a home and a couple stepping in to save him or her. It lies in a multi-billion dollar industry, recognizing the desperation of those who want a baby of their own and using that desperation to line their pockets with more and more money. It lies in some who claim they are “helping” young, pregnant woman by taking their babies rather than supporting and helping them raise their children. In those who believe they have a right to another’s baby because they can’t or choose not to have a baby of their own.
Infants are not merchandise. They are human beings. Nobody should ever be disregarded in the way innocent babies are in “price lists” such as those below (taken from an adoption listing of “available situations”) . . .
**Birth Mother with a 1/2 Caucasian 1/2 African American baby Girl. $20,000.00**
**Birth Mother due with a full Caucasian baby gender unknown. $33,000.00**
**Birth Mother due with Full Caucasian Baby gender unknown. $28,000.00.**
**Birth Mother due with a Full African American baby gender unknown. $ 22,000.00**
Notice how Caucasian babies “cost” more. And this is considered okay? Understandable by some. Encouraged by others.
Placing a price tag on unborn babies, the dollars varying according to race, is wrong. So very, very wrong! And yet it’s accepted and practiced within our society – a fact I do not and never will understand.
Moms and their unborn children are being reduced to nothing more than items to be bought and sold. And we stand behind this! Call it great thing! WHY?
How can anyone support an act that encourages marketing and advertising in high schools and colleges, pregnancy centers and teen parenting programs? All in the hopes of attaining more babies to sell to hopeful couples.
There is nothing great in that. Nothing loving or caring. Only a deep, dark ugliness so many refuse to see or admit to. But it exists, lingering heavy in the real world of domestic infant adoption, harming so many moms and babies. Creating emotional scars that last a lifetime.
It starts with the mom, bringing her in, offering her comfort and understanding while at the same time telling her the many ways she will fail in her hopes of being a good mother. Her “counseling” includes encouragement for how brave and selfless she will be if she creates an adoption plan, reminds her of the failures she faces if she chooses to parent her own son or daughter.
She is portrayed as a hero in those months of her pregnancy and yet often finds criticism after she has lost her child. Judged by the very same society that holds adoption so high on a pedestal. A society blindly supporting the manipulation of young, pregnant woman, the selling of infants, while turning a blind eye to the sufferings both mother and child experience after such a terrible separation.
It’s time to learn the truth of domestic infant adoption. Time to chip away at old beliefs shrouded in the unknown. First/Natural moms and adoptees are speaking out, sharing stories of confusion and loss. Of feelings of abandonment and a grief that never goes away.
Society needs to listen to them, hear what their words echo. It’s time to turn a deaf ear to the multi-billion dollar adoption industry. Time to see through their “fairy-tales” of a win-win situation. Of infants being rescued from their mothers at birth. There is nothing for them to be rescued from!
We can’t go on assuming anyone who speaks up about adoption is only carrying on because they had a bad experience. Many are speaking out from many different situations. Some bad, some good. Their voices need, and deserve, to be heard.
As a society, we have fought against many “wrongs.” Now is the time to fight against the “wrongs” brought against a mother and child in domestic infant adoption.
Tags: adoptees, adopting, adoption, adoptive parents, birthmoms, first moms, natural moms
Comments:
hopingforanange said:
They are no longer mom when they sign on the dotted line. Now if the AP decide to try to get the NM to stay in contact with them. Then give the AP a hand for doing the right thing. I am just tired of hearing how mad everyone is at adoptive parents when they are parents that adopt an unwanted child. Where the heck did they do something wrong?
Michelle, when babies are born, they are not a blank slate. Their birth mothers arestill moms even after they sign. Adoptees from that era suffered because they were denied access to their birth families, roots and heritage. Of course we should give adoptive parents a hand for keeping adoptions open, and we do! The anger comes when adoptive parents promise open adoption and then close it.
Michelle, I'm very concerned for your future children due to what I perceive as a lack of education on the subject of open adoption and adoption in general. If you do nothing else, I beg you to pick up a copy of "The Primal Wound: Understanding the adopted child" by Nancy Newton Verrier. Nancy herself is an adoptive mother. It's considered the "adoption bible" by many. The adoptees that I know says she really "nails it" and I once heard the parents of a 23 year old adoptee say that they wished they'd had this book back then. They said every adoptee should come with a copy. Heck, send me your address and I'll give you my copy.
My cafemom BFF is an adoptive mom. If you'd like to hear adoption advice from an adoptive mom, rather than a birth mom, why not see what she has to say about open adoption. http://www.cafemom.com/home/blessed3times
Michelle -
I have never, in all my experiences with First/Natural moms ever come across one that did not want their baby. To claim you are giving a home to an unwanted baby is, in my opinion, very wrong on your part. And to say once a mom puts her name on the line makes her no longer a mom is an insult to all those moms out there who have lost their child to adoption. This is proof of the two sides a woman faces while she's pregnant and told what a great, wonderful, selfless hero she is only to be told she stopped being a mom when she signed on the line. No women every stops being a mom! And no women deserves the emotional back and forth that is dropped on her through the adoption process and afterwards.
I agree with onethentwins - I am worried about some of the things you say here and in some of the groups. If you are waiting for that baby, I would hope you will educate yourself and learn as much as you can for the sake of the child you may bring into your home. Definitely do read Primal Wound so you are aware of what may harm any child - such as trying to deny any connection with their biological mom and family. And understand an open adoption should NEVER be something an amom does as a favor to a first/natural mom but as a MUST for the child they both love and care for. To expect the first.natural mom or her child to be thankful to you for keeping your child connected to their roots and heritage is wrong.
I hope desperately, that the thoughts you shared here are not the same thoughts you are walking into your adoption with. It frightens me to think that you truly believe that young mom you have been talking to does not want her child or that she will cease to be her baby's mom if she does feel she has no choice but to surrender her baby to adoption. Or that she and her child should be grateful to you for an open adoption.
I know I have suggested it before, but I feel I must ask again - please don't go through with this pre-birth matching. Especially not if your current knowledge of adoption is what is leading you. In the end, it will only serve to harm everyone involved.
No, Mariah, those are LEGAL adoption sites run by agencies and lawyers.
I read what the two of you wrote. As I said I am not talking about most adoptions. I am talking about the ones that the mother does not want the child. There are first moms that do not want there babies. I know that is hard to believe but, it is true. I have talked to an array of FM in the last two years and I have talked to a lot of woman. I do believe you might should pay attention to some of the girls that are putting babies up for adoption. I know most of them love their child very much. I have also talked to a young lady that didn't want her baby because, she said she had no feelings for it and didn't love it and felt no bond to it. The girl I am adopting from told me the other day that she is gonna be selfish and that she has thought about everything and she knows she will never have an ounce of regret. My father lived with his mom and dad and his 5 brothers and sisters. Well his mom and dad decided when my dad was eight that they no longer wanted to be married nor did they want children. They took my dad and his two brothers and sisters and put them in foster care and never looked back. The mom took the youngest child and that was it. My aunt also knew this lady when I was about 10 that just up and decided she didn't want her 3 daughters anymore. They were 4, 8 and 12. I know this because, one of them had to stay with us for a while. The AP came to our house to meet the girls. They were all adopted to different homes.
So again I know most FM want their baby and just can't keep them but, that does not go for all FM's I know first hand. The girl I am adopting from didn't want an open adoption. She don't me her biggest regret is she didn't have the money for an abortion.
The truth is I want the best for the baby we are adopting. I managed to talk the girl into a semi open adoption. She has agreed to remain in touch with emails and pictures. I want more then anything to tell our little girl how much she was loved. This is something I am having a problem with. I really don't believe this girl does love her. It is like she has completely detached from her. She told me she wouldn't even get go to prenatal visits if her mother didn't make her. What do I tell the baby. I want to tell her that her FP loved her very much and that she was put up for adoption because, she was loved. I want to tell her all about her First parents. I am hoping the FM will be willing to meet her someday but, I really am not sure if she will. This is why I want to stay in touch I am hoping someday she will be willing to let the baby meet her and be a part of her life.
Ok I am listening to what ya'll are saying and I totally understand your point of views. I just don't agree with every adoption is coerced because, I know to many situations where it was done because, that is what the mother wanted. In fact my best friend in high school got pregnant at 16. Her mother adopted her. My friend almost seemed jealous of her daughter. She also blamed her she thought she would have got a cheerleading scholarship if it hadn't been for her. She is 34 now. I think she has finally stopped blaming her for everything that has gone wrong in her life.
Okay I am listening and so willing to listen to ya'lls side. I want ya'll to think about the other mothers that do put their babies up for adoption because, it is what is best for them and not just because it is best for the child. I really just want people to realize there are different sides and not every adoption is the same. There are also mothers that get their little ones taken away and put up for adoption because, they choose drugs or alcohol over their baby.
Anyway I do want to know everything I can to make things best for the child we are adopting. Also believe it or not I do care about the FM and want to keep her as a part of our life. She doesn't want visits but, I plan to talk to her everyday. If she will. So I would love to read that book and I will. Thank you for telling me about it.
Love,
Michelle
To say that your possible future child's mother doesn't feel a bond to that baby is absurd. It's a biological connection. You cannot help BUT to be attached to your child. When I was pregnant, my parents made me feel that adoption was the only way, and that that baby belonged to a "better" couple. So I detached. I detached my damndest. But you know what? It didn't work. Because from the moment I laid eyes on her and held my precious daughter in my arms, I knew I was bonded hard-core. And she to me. And that whole 9 months, I didn't have a clue as to what I was going to feel after giving birth. Giving birth changes you chemically and for you to stand by and watch her possibly make a huge mistake after all that you are learning here makes me very sorry for her unborn baby. She can tell you all she wants, and she thinks she knows what she's in for. But she doesn't. Take it from a mother who is emotionally dead and never to be revived that the love she will feel for her child after birth is consuming.
And those women who are on drugs or alcohol, I can only imagine that they are addicted and unable to think straight. I sense lots of judgment, entitlement, and a lack of concern for another couple of humans' best interest, which, I agree with the other posters who say they worry for your future children.
Quoting hopingforanang : What do I tell the baby. I want to tell her that her FP loved her very much and that she was put up for adoption because, she was loved.
LOL. Well certainly don't say that! That's adoption 101. You never tell an adoptee that their mother gave them away because they loved them. Check out the sticky in the Adoption Group "When to tell your children they are adopted" it explains why.
http://www.cafemom.com/group/96/boards/read/870482/When_to_tell_your_child_they_are_adopted
Adoption agencies get money from their clients (the adopters) for supposed medical fees and other things which in many cases are covered by the government or an insurance company. So they are double dipping. Not only that but I would bet the agencies make a bundle off of DONATIONS from people who believe they are actually helping women and babies and would be surprised to find out that many of the women used as a source of babies are very decent respectable middle class students, not yet through school. These are moms that love their babies and want them but are just naive or pressured.
This is a bad point as money plays in the future of an infant and there is no respect for the mother who carried the bay in her stomach for 10 months.
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sathyan
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I wouldn't dare step foot into an adoption agency. You are all very right in the fact that they are profiting of this. Honestly I think it hurts both sides. Sometimes some of it goes to the moms for clothing, medical and housing etc. At least half and probably a lot more than that go to the agencies. I mean for example GA. An AP is not even aloud to give a NM anything and yet the adoption fees are still outragious. Now I know a lot of girls are probably talked into adoption by their parents, boyfriend or someone else along the way. It is not true of every adoption though. There are a lot of woman/ girls that choose it because, that is what they think is best. As far as the girl that we are adopting from I want to be their for her and assure her the baby is okay because, I don't want her to hurt. She is the one that decided on adoption and no one has pushed her in any way. She came looking for someone to adopt her baby. I didn't go looking for her. If anything she has people trying to talk her out of this. It just gets to me that people seem to think every case is coerced and that is far from the truth. Now I will give you maybe 80%. For those mothers that don't go through an adoption agency and WE ADOPT A BABY BECAUSE THE MOTHER WANTS US TOO I don't think we should feel guilty for giving the baby a good home. When a mother puts the baby up for adoption because SHE wants too. The AP that have been there for him or her for the whole time they are growing up. Loved them sacrificed sweat, love and tears to give this child a good life has now become the childs parent. Whether from natural birth or from nuture. They have now earned the title of mom.
Now I am not talking about the ones that had no choice but, for those that make this decision on there own. They do this because, this is what they want. They are no longer mom when they sign on the dotted line. Now if the AP decide to try to get the NM to stay in contact with them. Then give the AP a hand for doing the right thing. I am just tired of hearing how mad everyone is at adoptive parents when they are parents that adopt an unwanted child. Where the heck did they do something wrong?
Love,
Michelle