Baby Morgan

[happyinlife856]

Morgan died only 3 days ago. She was 1 year and 27 days. She was born with some problems and we almost lost her several times but she always amazed us and pulled through. She was finally a normal 1 year old, walking and talking and kinda getting an attitude. My inlaws were watching her so my husband and I could go out. She choked on a piece of watermelon. My FIL saved her life by doing CPR for 20 minutes till the helicopter got there to take her to the hospital. By the time we got to the hospital she was normal. Well I guess she still had some watermelon in her lungs and she got pneumonia. We had already been released from the hospital for 2 days when she got pneumonia and then 2 days after that she died. I got to cuddle her right up to the very end.

At the funeral yesterday so many people were crying. I was so mad. I just wanted to scream, "Why are YOU crying? You don't know what it feels like to lose a baby! Don't FU**ING cry!" My husband and I just sat there. I feel completely numb. I had to go the grocery store today and I saw a kid crying and the mom was frustrated because the kid kept begging to ride the horse. I wanted to yell at the mom to let her kid ride the damn horse. At least she still has a kid. Morgan never got to ride the horse. I hate every happy family I see.

My inlaws won't talk to me because they feel like it is their fault. They are the only people I want to talk to. God what I wouldn't give for them to hug me. I hate my parents. They keep telling me that I need to move on. That I should be happy because now I don't have distractions from school. They say now I can divorce her asshole dad. They say I better go back to work so I don't get behind on bills. "You know it will hurt your credit if you don't pay these medical bills soon."

I don't give a rats ass about bills or school right now. And yeah my husband has some dumbass moments and no I wouldn't have married him if we didn't have a child together but I want to be together.

Morgan was a surprise baby, I was 18 when I had her and her dad and I were just a fling. She was the best accident ever. She was never in my way. How could someone say that it is good that she gone. If I had never had her I would still be partying away daddy's money and getting drunk in cabo instead of thinking about the future. My parents think she was a mistake and now that mistake has been corrected.

I don't want to take a shower or go to the bathroom because i don't want to see my c section scar. Her toys are scattered all over the house but I can't put them away. I closed the door to her room. this morning I heard her cry and I ran in to see an empty crib.

I don't want to move on. I just want to sit and wait. I don't know what I am waiting for but I am waiting. 

I feel guilty because I just keep sitting around day dreaming to distract myself and searching the internet for stories worse than mine so I can not feel sorry for myself.

I am listening to the static on the baby monitor hoping and praying to hear her cry.

Hubby wants another baby but I want to die everytime I see another child.

A friend came over with dinner and brought her one year old with her. She started playing with Morgan's toys. I was so angry. I dare she touch them. I hate every breath I take without her.

[SuprMom12042702]

Jul. 8, 2008 at 7:05 PM i am very sorry that you are going thru this. I wish I had the words to make it all better.But if you ever need to just talk and get your feelings out and have someone listen please feel free to message me. I know that we don't know each other at all, but sometimes a listening ear {or reading eye} in this case is all you need, and I will be that for you if you need!
Ashley

[adove01]

Jul. 8, 2008 at 7:07 PM I can't imagine how you must feel. I agree with you though, there is no reason to be happy now. You must grieve, if you didn't you wouldn't be a human being. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and promise to treasure my kids all the time. Take care.

[grumpyboston]

Jul. 8, 2008 at 7:09 PM

Im so sorry for your loss. Dont you even think about feeling bad about they way you are feeling. I wish you all the best in your life to come . Just know that your angel is watching down on you . God bless you at your time of need

[sweet_spirit_77]

Jul. 8, 2008 at 7:13 PM

I am so very sorry for your loss. I can not begin to imagine what it is that you must be going through. It is times like these that you need your loved ones around. I am saddened to know that your parents are taking on this approach. Maybe they are grieving too but are expressing it differently. Maybe you should try and call your inlaws and tell them that you do not blame them and that you need them right now.

 Have you called your own Dr?  Perhaps they can give you a valium or something atleast to help you relax a bit.  Please let me know if there is anything that I can do.. Even if you just need someone to talk to or to vent to. I promise not to judge.

[MommaSkip]

Jul. 8, 2008 at 7:42 PM im so sorry for your loss mama. i seriously cant imagine what you are going through. just remember things are still very fresh and im sure it will take you a very long time to heal. but you will heal one day. you can always remember your daughter but dont ever have to forget her. reading your post made me realize how i shouldnt get so frustrated with my children. im sobbing right now and just remember you have tons of friends here on cafemom if you need shoulders to lean on. dont let anyone tell you that you have to move on faster then you want too. you do it when you are ready.

[MKZJRZ]

Jul. 8, 2008 at 7:48 PM

If you think you had it bad I lost my 19 day daughter from suffocation from having her sleep in our bed with us. That is the worst thing to wake up to. I acted like it was all going to be ok until the meeting i was going to had been cancelled. i waited a month for that damb thing and they closed. what fucked up shit is that? Well I couldn't look at another baby or child without having a nervous breakdown. I started going to counseling a month after she passed and have been a lot better. I'm pregnant again and now know what and what not to do. If you ever need to talk feel free to message me. I know what it is like to lose a child and it will never go away but it does get better.

 

[Dawni]

Jul. 8, 2008 at 8:05 PM I'm so very sorry for your loss. I wish I had something to say that would make you feel better, but just know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[JoleneMomOf4]

Jul. 8, 2008 at 8:26 PM WOW I am truly sorry to hear this! I read it in your post in the preemie forum and I figured thats what had happend, food in her lungs to cause pnemonia, it's a real shame that the hospital she was at didn't keep her to make sure that didn't happen, or that they didn't put her on something just in case! Maybe you could look into a law suit, I know that wouldn't bring her back, but they shouldn't get away with it, anyone knows that a child who chokes that badly needs to be monitored to make sure they didn't get any in their lungs to cause pnemonia! I can't even imagine the emotions you have, but just know that no matter what you feel its valid! Scream, cry and stomp your feet, do what ever it takes! Also don't be afraid to show your emotions to friends and family! Tell them you don't want their kids touching your kids toys, that you don't want to be mean BUT that it really bothers you and does not help you feel better at all! And as for your parents OMG, I'd smash them for you if I lived there, how frigin rude and ignorant they are, they need a slap in the face!

[Mama2Marcus]

Jul. 8, 2008 at 8:31 PM I am so sorry for your loss I hope god will heal  your pain just take it one day at a time! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!

[tnbeth1972]

Jul. 8, 2008 at 8:36 PM I don't know what to say, but I am praying for you. I think I would feel the same way you do...hating every child or family right now. I wish things like this wouldn't happen. I am so sorry.