Need advice Please Help! Caught between a rock and a hard place.

[Mamilinda76]

For some years now my ex husband would see his kids sporadically. Then about 3 years ago he stop communicating with them or seeing them. He now has a newborn son and he has contacted me to tell me he has seen the error of his ways and wants to see the kids. My present husband has been there for my kids and doesn't think that I should allow my ex to see them. My kids don't ask about their father but at times remember things they did with him. My son (the eldest) when he gets angry says he hates his father because he never bothered to come see him again. What should I do, do I allow my ex husband to see his kids? If I say yes or no how will this affect my kids or my current husband? Caught between a rock and a hard place.

[sharekaj]

Jul. 10, 2008 at 3:06 PM Yes you should allow him to see his kids that way he can deal with not seeing the kids and any other issues your kids have with him not being apart of their lives. He needs to learn to be responsible.

[Mamilinda76]

Jul. 10, 2008 at 3:07 PM But, what if he starts seeing them and falls back to his old pattern?

(Original Poster)

[NdAppy]

Jul. 10, 2008 at 3:13 PM

I would say that you talk to your kids. If they want to see their father then yes. But let them make that choice. And if they do decide that they want to see him and he does fall back into his old patterns it will just make it that much harder for HIM to be in their lives later.

He wont be able to blame you then for keeping them away from him.

Just an Idea.

[momieteener]

Jul. 10, 2008 at 3:51 PM

I was in a similar situation and finally realized that my ex "was the best father he knew how to be".  You need to let the relationship head where it's going to head.  If he wants to see them, let them see each other but make HIM responsible for his own actions.

Do not make excuses for his past actions.  He needs to be the one to apologize to the kids and explain why - right or wrong, he needs to do it.  If he continues the same action - do not make excuses for him or cover for him.  If he calls and says he will pick them up and doesn't, don't show anger, just call him.  If he says he's not coming for whatever reason, hand the phone over to the kids so he can explain himself.   Do not bad-mouth him either, at least not in front of the kids, save it for your husband or adult friends.  Keep your part of the relationship simple, do not discuss anything with him unless it involves the kids, your private life is yours and his is his. 

Do explain to your kids that the rules of the house may be different.  Dad's rules at dad's house and mom's rules at moms house.  That sort of thing.  Explain to them that until they are of a certain age, when he is scheduled to see them (or when you both agree) that they will go but once they are a certain age (which you determine) they can tell their dad if they want to go or not - make sure they are the ones to tell their dad, not  you - unless they specifically ask you to and are standing in the room when you do call him.  Do not get into arguments with him when the kids are nearby - they need to see healthy arguments between you and your husband, not the stuff we go through with the ex.

It's hard - very hard, but I will tell you that my ex died 6 years ago and I'm very glad that I let his son and him have whatever relationship they had together.  When he died, there was a lot of stuff unsaid and left over (so to speak) with his family and some friends - but not with me and my son was able to get through it (you never get them over it).  No, they did not have a good relationship, BUT I can say it was between the two of them and I never prevented it.

[Mamilinda76]

Jul. 11, 2008 at 12:32 PM Thank you all for your advice and comments. I have definetly decided that I will move forward with a modification of visitation. I will allow him to have a final chance with his kids and let him explain and answer to his kids.

(Original Poster)