Taking back ME!!!!

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Taking back ME!!!!

July 11, 2008 at 5:01 PM by GENN_FOX
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well...... anyone who knows me knows that im an emotional wreck that has been missing my mother terribly.... just read my page it is all over the place...... i am just now after a year starting to get some semblence of closure..... well not really but i am starting ..... i went through and cleaned out about half of her things over the weekend of her 1 yr anniversary..... it is too big of a job for just one weekend.....

that same weekend my husband decided to be an asshole and leave me...... dont you just love men and their little moods.... we had this long talk last night with some mediators(his parents) so we could talk about the important issues... just for anyone who doesnt know my husband is 8 years younger than me....

apparently im not the girl he dated... i dont go out and drink anymore or party it up ... i dont dress up anymore wear make up. i dont giggle excessively and smile constantly ... i don't even like what i just described much less hate to admit i was ever that way..... but the point is i lost my joy in life and i quit trying to get it back....

i dont have to party to be happy or giggle like a bimbo but i have to atleast try to live instead of exist or just survive the days.... so i put on some high heels and i went shopping at the mall with a girlfriend and i wore make up to work and i feel good!!!! i have plans to meet up with a friend out of town this weekend and im actually excited... it has been such a long time since i looked forward to anything..

i did this online survey and it said what days on the calender do you look forward too.... i dont remember what i put but honestly there wasn't one day i looked forward too.....

im gonna take back me ..... it is gonna be work and it is gonna be hard because i have been in a rut for so long and it isnt gonna be completely comfortable..... but i have alot of positive things to live for and im making friends and getting the support that i need to DO this....

and if my husband doesnt come back im gonna be ok and if he does come back well maybe i wont want that......or maybe we can be healthy.......and happy....... life is hard ...... you dont get over things you go through them..... im coming through into a new time for me.... it is gonna be lonely with out my mom but she wouldnt want me to be unhappy and i know this in my heart.....

im so tired of living in fear.... i live in fear that im going to lose the people i have left and i have pushed away the person i wanted close to me the most...... so NO MORE FEAR!!! yeah right but it is a start....

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Written by GENN_FOX on July 11, 2008 at 5:01 PM
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Comments:

I'm sorry you're going through so much stuff right now. I know this may not be the nicest thing I can find to say, but maybe your husband leaving you was a wake up call to grab ahold of your life again and find some happiness that you've been avoiding or whatever. And, like you said yourself, when he comes back you may not even want him. I wish he could've found a healthier way to get through to you what was going on, but I'm really happy to hear you're taking such a positive thing out of it. You're a strong and wonderful lady - now go have fun!!!!

dsteiner23 Jul. 11, 2008 at 5:14 PM

Sorry to hear things are so rough for you. I lost my mom when I was 10. The 1st year anniversary was very tough, so I know what you are going through. Glad to hear you have the drive to regain your sense of self, just do it for the right reasons-because it makes YOU happy, not makes everyone else happy or makes them want to stay. Best of luck to you.

broonessa Jul. 11, 2008 at 5:14 PM

I am so proud of you. I know what you are going through has not and will not be easy. You are a strong woman and will survive. Look at where you were a year ago and look at you today. Now imagine a year from now. (just make sure you are in heels and make up) Your mom is and always will be proud of you.

Always remember to Live for today, tomorrow never gets here.

celticfaerie995 Jul. 12, 2008 at 10:42 AM

Jenn, I wish there was a way I could reach out and take your pain away but I know there isn't. You are one of my best friends and it breaks my heart to see you have to go through all of this but I know there is nothing I can do but be here for you. You are an amazing woman, who I am proud to be able to have in my life. Life is never going to be easy, we both know this, but that makes the good times even more memorable. Try not to dwell so much on the bad things, just learn from them. With or without your husband you will be okay. You have the drive and strength like no one I have ever met in my life. You just need to have more confidence in YOU! It's going to take time but you will be fine. Just always remember that your mom is never gone as long as you keep her in your heart. You can always talk to her and you know she is listening. And I hope you know that no matter what time, day or night, I am here for you. I mean this with everything I have. I love you sweetie! Good luck with taking control of your life!!! You are amazing, please never forget that!

kacrawford85 Jul. 12, 2008 at 11:44 AM