Moving On

[Southernroots]

Could there be a more useless piece of advice for mothers grieving the loss of a child to adoption than for someone to tell you to "move on"? Of course you have to go on with your life, but what else does "moving on" suggest? Does it mean that you stop thinking about your child? That you tuck away your feelings and forget about your child? I tried that, it doesn't work.

Are you supposed to just "get over" your loss and not ever feel any sadness or pain ever again when reminders of your child smack you in the face? What about when in reunion your child makes comments that wound you to the core? Are you supposed to walk away....again...and just give up and move on? Why does anyone think that this is reasonable or possible? Does it dishonor your child to pretend that they never existed? I think so. Why are we expected to not feel the loss of our children forever?

Maybe it is because adoption was "our choice"? Who in their right mind could possibly think that most women who relinquish children really would "choose" adoption if they could see any other option? I know and understand that relinquishing a child to adoption is typically an act of desperation. I am fully aware that many women "choose" adoption because they do not have all the facts and have no clear and honest picture of adoption. How can any woman make a fully informed decision with only half the facts.....generally the side of adoption that agencies paint?

My life is full of many wonderful people and joyful times. I wake up most morning happy to be alive and appreciating the many blessings that I have. I HAVE moved on with my life and have worked hard to grieve my loss and deal with my reality.  However, moving on doesn't erase the past and magically make my life free of the pain of adoption loss. Some life events are too profound not to leave scars and affect you forever. I missed nearly 32 years of my son's life and the prospects are not hopeful that I will be a huge part of the rest of his life either.  I love my relinquished son as much as any mother loves her child, and it matters to me and it always will that our relationship will never be what it could have or should have been.  It hurts...I wish that it did not....but I have no expectation that will ever change.

 

 

[JESSEMOM]

Jul. 14, 2008 at 1:46 AM THANK YOU!

[onethentwins]

Jul. 14, 2008 at 2:00 AM I don't know what to say. But if you do figure out how to move on, do let us know.

[Gracie06]

Jul. 14, 2008 at 7:46 AM

Thank u for sharing Jan....that was written beautifully and with a great deal of love and compassion for your son. I think sharing this-with all members of the Triad teaches and shows us something and I am grateful as an adoptee to hear your words as a birth-mother.

Cheers to you`

Hannah Owner http://www.cafemom.com/group/touchedbyadoption

[blessedwboysx3]

Jul. 14, 2008 at 11:17 AM

I so agree with you. 

I believe to my core that the only unconditional love in this life is that of a mother.  Carrying this belief it makes it impossible to believe that I will ever move on or forget my son.   If I did I don't think I could live with myself.   I have a wonderful life, a great husband, two beautiful and charming children and great friends but I will never forget my first born son EVER.  I get so angry when I hear the words - move on - aren't you over it...how does a mother that loved so much to want the very best life for her child at that time ever forget them.   Why is that even a justifiable response to some one who is still grieving, hurting or even just missing their children? 

THANK YOU!

[Momzilla4]

Jul. 14, 2008 at 1:46 PM

good article.   I do wonder how on earth anyone expects us to be over a loss that is continual and cumulative and also for which there is no closure.  

i think the "choice myth" plays into this.  as long as people believe that there was a "choice" and that thus our babies were unloved and unwanted, or that we were unfit, and thus we either "chose" to give them away or "did the right thing and now should shut up", they will discredit and dismiss any major emotional consequences.   if we did freely surrender our babies, logically we wouldn't be feeling any loss as we would not have wanted to keep them!   so in fact, the proof that we lost our babies to adoption (by a process beyond our control) is evident in our feelings of *loss* a.k.a. grief.  

but of course the adoption industry promotes the "you will get over it" myth as well as their studies found that one of the reasons why mothers in the 1980s and 1990s were keeping their babies (leading to decreased sales by agencies) was a perception that surrender was "painful." Thus, the industry works to counter-act that perception.  but there are so many studies (even by the industry) that confirm that unresolved grief is a major and common consequence we face.   in fact, so common as to be almost the norm.  

 

[Momzilla4]

Jul. 14, 2008 at 1:55 PM

what is interesting about the issue of unresolved grief is a social worker who did his 1994 PhD on the topic of natural mothers and unresolved grief.  He found that unresolved grief correlated with levels of coercion.  HIs solution?  Convince the mothers they weren't coerced!   Needless to say, he never TESTED this idea or got proof for it  before "adoption professionals" and pop-therapists latched onto it as a standard counselling practice.  So there is no evidence that working on a woman to make her "take responsbility for" the surrender of her baby actually helps her.  

But whom does this practice serve?  The adoption agencies who can now shirk all responsibility and make mothers blame themselves rather than laying blame at the feet of those who worked on them to make them surrender their babies.  

But by analogy, would one counsel a rape victim that it was not rape but was actually sex?  No!  So this practice is ethically questionable. 

I believe that trauma counselling has much promise in helping natural mothers.  Many who have had counselling at rape crisis centres have recounted that it helped them with the loss of their babies as well. 

[Southernroots]

Jul. 15, 2008 at 1:20 AM

Denise, it isn't the "moving on," that is the problem. It is forgetting all about it and not hurting.....think that will take a lobotomy......but, heck, I don't think they do those any more. We all move on, but still have our painful memories. Old age is approaching fast though, maybe THAT will make me forget. 

Thanks, Hannah and Blessedw3 boys for your supportive comments! As always, I appreciate them.

Momzilla......what a great point! If we didn't love or want our children, adoption would be a breeze for us. We would not be effected, because we wouldn't care. Yeah, I guess that is how some people really believe that it works. WE know that it is not the case.

Losing a child to adoption IS a trauma, and grief and/or trauma counseling probably is the best way to help the healing.  What a whacky idea to try to convince women they were not coerced! Makes NO sense.

(Original Poster)

[casjoh]

Jul. 19, 2008 at 9:21 PM

Southernroots - this was an amazing post.  The way you so perfectly put the emotions into words struck deep inside me.

And you are right, we do move on because we have to.  Because life moves on.  But, in my opinion, I don't think we really ever do move past our grief and our loss.  It is hard to move past something when there is no closure for us.

And to tell any woman who has lost her child to move on get past her pain is ridiculous and simply impossible to do when the wound is so deep and never truly heals.

[blessed3times]

Jul. 24, 2008 at 1:00 AM

People would never dream of telling a woman whose child has died  to "move on" now would they?  I'm mystified at people who tell others how to feel. 

My experience with loss and how thoughtless people can be was when my grandmother died suddenly at the age of 88.   Yes she lived a good life.  Yes I was glad she didn't suffer.  But she was one of my best friends, we were kindred spirits and she died in my arms, in my home in the middle of the night.

I didn't want to hear platitudes.  I just wanted someone to acknowledge my loss and the void that was left in my life by her passing.

I am sorry for YOUR loss my friend, I truly am.

[Southernroots]

Jul. 24, 2008 at 1:40 AM

Thank you Cassie for your praise of my post. As always, I appreciate hearing from you. I agree, life moves on but the grief and loss never completely diminish....not even in reunion. The loss is not just the our child, but we may mourn for the relationship that we might have had even if our child is back in our life.

Daria, I think you are right, platitudes are rarely very helpful or sensitive. The most caring remark that you can make when someone loses a loved one is what you just said. "I am sorry for your loss." Thank you for saying that.  You ARE a good friend.

I am sorry for the loss of your grandmother as well. We miss those people that we love who go out of our lives and they become a part of us. Telling people when they should move on is absurd, and so is telling others how to feel.

(Original Poster)