The 36 hour period of time that changed my life forever.....

[angelmama081007]

I wrote this for a reply to a post of a group that I am in here on Cafemom, and decided to put it in here so others can read it.....

 

I am sorry this is so long.... I was just trying to explain it all, and amazingly, this all happened within a day and a half.... :(

I will forever remember the night we found out our baby was gone.... It still brings me to tears thinking about it.... Especially when I think about the words, so I can type them, it makes me feel like it is happening again....

I had gone to the doctor because my throat was starting to bother me, like I was getting strep or something. We had just recently found out we were pregnant. I figured it would be better for me to take a little medicine to begin with rather than be really sick for a while. So I went to the doctor and they gave meamoxicillin . I got home. I called my pregnancy doctor to make sure I could take it as well as calling the main doctor again to make sure I could still take it. It was my first pregnancy and I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize my child. I stopped all caffeine, which was mostly just one or two cokes a day, but even that, I didn't want it to harm my child so I cut it out. I ended up finally taking the medicine and about 2 hours later, I started having some bad cramps... I usually don't have many cramps during my period, just slight cramping.... So I called both doctors and they said as long as there was no blood, the cramping was normal. So I ended up going to bed so I wouldn't worry about it. I had been so tired my whole pregnancy so going to bed felt normal... I went to sleep, woke up the next morning and there was blood.... I called DH crying, wondering what to do, then got off the phone so I could talk to the doctor.... The normal doctor had no openings but I could go and sit in the office all day and if their was an opening, they could squeeze me in.... I called the pregnancy doctor and she couldn't move my appointment (my first one with her) from that next Monday to that weekend. So they had no openings.... So we decided to go the the hospital that we were planning on delivering at just so we can see the place we would be coming to later.... So we got to the ER at 3:00pm. We told them what was happening. We then sat in the waiting room and waited, and waited, and waited...... Every hour or so, I would go back to the counter and ask when I could be seen..... They kept saying they were busy and would get to me as soon as possible. By 9:00pm, I am getting pissed off... So I ask how many people are in front of me, so I can at least feel we are getting somewhere. I was told there were 5 people in front of me.... I was relieved that I at least knew there weren't too many in front of me. By 11:00, I am trying to stay patient, but finally go back and ask how many more people are in front of me, and the lady replied 6................... I get pissed off. I tell them I am pregnant, I am bleeding and I want to be SEEN! I don't want to sit in the lobby anymore. By midnight, closer to 1:00am, the next day, I am FINALLY taken into my room. We take vitals and get the ultrasound machine ready. I then was able to do the ultrasound, probably around 1:30am or so, I don't remember. So we get set up and we are excited... We are still first time parents and NEVER ONCE imagined that the blood was my baby dying.... NEVER even crossed my mind, it was just scary and I wanted them to tell me that was normal and everything was just okay.... So we start the ultrasound, and we were so excited to see our baby... :) I remember my DH's look of utter amazement. I could see his eyes light up and he was so proud... (I am in tears just remembering his excitement and him being so very proud...) He asked the lady if that was the baby. He said it in such an amazed voice, like he was thinking he was just imagining it and wanted confirmation that it was real. The lady replied in a very cold and uncaring and detached voice, "yeah........ that is the baby....". I remember thinking that that was weird for her to say that.... I was thinking that I would be excited seeing a baby, even if I had done that job for my whole life, I would still think that would be amazing and exciting, even seeing it all the time.... So we finish up and we are taken back to the room and the doctor would see us shortly.... I ended up talking to DH about what we would eat after we left. We never imagined it was bad, so we realized we were starving... So we talked about going to Denny's, since it would be one of the few decently good places to eat at really early in the morning.... I think at some point I actually dozed off for a few minutes... I remember the nurse coming in, and she looked so sad, and I just KNEW something was not good, but again, I NEVER imagined the baby was gone... She said, "I am so sorry, but the baby does not have a heartbeat..." She went on talking but I hardly remember it... I just felt like I was having an out of body experience. I felt like I was just watching it all happen, that she was in the wrong room, or not talking to us.... I remember seeing my DH duck his head and hold his hands on his face and he cried... I just sat there, unmoving, just not even knowing what I was supposed to do.... She then touched my shoulder and said something that was supposed to be comforting, but I don't even remember what she said..... She left and my DH just held me and criedhorribly .... I know I some point I started crying.... We walked outside and it was raining, of course. So DH goes to get the car. I walked out, was being drenched, but just didn't care, and DH opened the door for me. I got in and he started the long drive home. No radio, just looking out into the rain. I remember getting to the lights, and having to stop, and I remember just looking out the window and DH would say, Tiffaney?, I remember just looking at him with a blank look, and he would tear up and say I love you.... I would just say I love you too. And then would look back outside... I just felt so hollow and empty.... I told him that he could stop and get something to eat, but I wasn't hungry anymore. He said no he wasn't either, so we just went home. We got home, came in and went to bed. We laid there most of the night holding each other and just cried.... I remember waking up the next morning and just not caring, but realizing I should call my mom so she can tell everyone else.... I remember her coming over very quickly to be there with us. Then much later that night, DH and my mom realized we hadn't eaten, so even though I wasn't hungry, we went to go eat....

My DH is pretty good about it all.... He understands why I still can't go to baby showers and such... I can see the baby after born much better, but just can't yet deal with the whole pregnancy part of it....

Both my parents and DH's parents still don't deal with me very well... They just don't understand why I can't just deal with this all... They think I should just get over it. My parents did this a lot recently. I went to see my cousin who just had a baby, who didn't tell anyone about it, because they didn't want to hurt me since she knew how much I hurt knowing of a pregnancy. So I went to go see her when the baby was less than two weeks old. So my parents started bugging me again about my other cousin's baby shower that I had previously refused. They just don't understand how I can deal with a baby, but not a pregnancy.... I don't understand exactly why either, but I just can't.... So my DH does better than anyone else... Two of my cousins have been there for me a lot during this all. On had a molar pregnancy which was lost and the other is the one that just had the baby without anyone's knowledge...

I know this is probably more than you needed to know, but thank you for allowing me to tell this....

[kell1018]

Jul. 16, 2008 at 3:12 AM Hey momma, I know how you feel. I lost my daughter at 27 weeks gestation. I envy every pregnant woman I see, but yet when I see a baby, I want nothing more than to hold it. Its weird, these emotions that we go through, day after day. It pisses me off to no end when ppl think that you should "just get over it" pardon my french but fuck them. Who are they to tell us how to feel and when our grieving time is over. They aren't us and they dont know what we go through, just some everyday things are struggles for us. Im sorry that you are a member of the first pregnancy loss club. You are still a mom and you will have this with you forever and I am truly sorry for your loss.

[LimeGreenLady]

Jul. 16, 2008 at 4:06 AM I am sooo sorry for all you and your husband have went through.  There are some medical professionals that just have no compassion at all.  I agree with you that whether it's the 1st baby or the 100th baby on an ultrasound, it is the most amazing thing to see.  I can understand why you can't be around pregnant women, but it's o.k. to be around babies.  You had a horrible experience loosing your baby.  Seeing anyone else pregnant only reminds you of what you don't have.  I know going through my losses, it was and still is hard for people to understand the emotions involved, if they haven't experienced it personally.  I found sooo many people wanted to be encouraging, but they continued to stick there foot in their mouth.  I think through any kind of loss, the fewer words the better.  Nothing says I'm here for you like a hug or acts of kindness.  Right after I lost my mom in October, I have a friend that without calling she just came by with a homemade pot of beans and gave me the biggest hug.  No words were spoken, until when she went to leave and said for me not to hesitate to call and she'd be there.  I can't express what that meant to me.  I pray that God blesses you soon with a healthy little one.  Don't let anyone ever make light of what you have gone through.  Thank you for sharing, and it only makes me even more thankful that your one of my cafemom friends.

[angelmama081007]

Jul. 16, 2008 at 6:50 AM

twinmommy3276 wrote at 2:17 AM on Jul. 16

I found your post very touching so sorry for your loss of your sweet baby from miscarriage. My mother suffered 3. You are right your angel is with God god bless.

(Original Poster)

[Neze]

Jul. 16, 2008 at 9:26 AM I  am so sorry for your loss. For you and your husband.

[saintjill64]

Jul. 16, 2008 at 11:16 AM I just want to say that I am sorry for your loss and all the emotional turmoil it has put you through. I hope that you have someone to counsel you during this difficult time. I went through a tubal pregnancy when I was 23. I will have the physical scars for life but the emotional scars are deeper. 3 years later I became pregnant with my son who was then born 2 months premature. After spending 3 weeks in the hospital he came home. He is 18 years old now and a truly great person as is his 14 year old sister.  I just want you to know that I care and that things will get easier with time even though you might not feel that way right now. Take care.

[tyrelsmom]

Jul. 17, 2008 at 3:01 PM I'm so sorry for what you went through.  I too, had to wait hours in the ER to be seen when miscarrying my twins. I think it was about 7 hours. I think the reason they put you to the bottom of the list is because there's really nothing they can do, but still, they should realize that the waiting is simply torturous.  This is why when I had my second miscarriage, and when I had threatened miscarriages with my sons, I didn't even bother with the hospital.  I just went to my doctor the next morning.  If I'm just gonna sit around waiting, I might as well do it at home.

[nikkimichele]

Jul. 20, 2008 at 5:52 PM

awe you made me cry. i was just reading and realized..hey...that's me she's talking about.
just dont forget that your angel is the lucky one being with Mimi and Pa.
of course that doesnt make it better...but i hope it helps.

[grandmom48]

Jul. 29, 2008 at 5:50 PM

You should sue the hospital for making you wait that long. Maybe the baby could have been saved if they would have seen you right away. They are supposed to see each patient according to the emergency and yours was a big emergency! Sorry.

[Robsmommy]

Jul. 30, 2008 at 7:06 PM

Honey I am so very sorry for you and your DH's loss.  I also feel the need to apologize for the insensitive and cold treatment you received.  No one deserves that.  Please know that you, your DH and your little Angel are in my prayers.  God is caring for your darling Angel and He will care for you,too.

Much love~

Stephanie(Robsmommy)

[MamaDickman]

Aug. 4, 2008 at 1:56 PM

you know hun i did the same thing when it hit two hears since baby has been gone. i actally found it thereputic to get it all out..and i know what you mean about hospitals being so stupid.. when i was miscarrying i told them doctor what was going on.. i just knew it it in my heart.. i didnt know iw as pregnant i just sinced it.. i just had this empty feeling in my heart that thas what was going on..and instead of checking me they just sent me home..ill post my story up on my journal when i get the chance.but first im going to send you an email with dh poem he wrote.. i hope it doesnt make you cry to bad..its just one of those things we do to help each other cope..anyway i know its getting close to the date that your baby would have turned one and i hope you and your dh can make the best of it..i know its extremely hard to do on such a day..but i know your little angel will be there holding your hand to help you get through it..