I wish I wasn’t so freaking shy. I wish I didn’t get nervous at the thought of calling someone I don’t know. It isn’t really people I don’t know. If anything, those people tend to be easier. I mean, I call people all the time for work, and that doesn’t bother me.  It is people that I do know that make it even harder for me. Even calling a long time friend is sometimes a struggle for me. This is my mother’s genes at work.

This comes up because I find myself all kinds of nervous about calling Ken’s cousin’s wife. I have met her before. She is a lovely woman and I enjoyed the time we visited with them. Ken’s cousin, Larry, and his wife, Catherine, happen to be in LA with their kids and Larry had called Ken to see about maybe meeting up tonight or Monday night. Ken called to let me know, which I thought would be really nice. We have not seen them in ages, and even though we will be able to see them in a couple of weeks in Mammoth, I would imagine we won’t get to visit as much as if we get to go to dinner with them and their two little boys. Should be a lot of fun. Plus, they are in Anaheim, and as Ken pointed out, he needs to get some Lego at the Lego store out there, so this is a win win for us.

Here is where my stupid genes kick in.

Ken asked me to give Catherine a call to make these arrangements. This should not be a big deal, but it is sheer terror for me. I know, I seem like I shouldn’t be afraid of anything. It isn’t like I am calling some random guy for a date or calling someone who hates me or even calling someone who is a threat to me in any way shape or form. This is a member of my extended family that I need to make some dinner arrangements with. How hard is that?

Unless you are shy, it is next to impossible to explain how debilitating it is. I often don’t know people at my work in other departments because I get this way. I don’t think it is a coincidence that a great deal of my friendships take place over email. It is that hard on me to even hang out with people. I love to see the people once I am there, but for some reason I get so nervous about getting there.

I used to be better. I used to force myself to call people all the time and for the most part, I made sure I was never alone. If I was alone, and no one called me, it was harder for me to get away from being alone. When I was grounded, I was so relived that other people would write me letters back. It meant I still had the connection to the outside world. I also used the phone as a crutch back then, spending hours on the line with whoever I got up the courage to call. Eventually, even the phone would scare me.

With email, I was able to hide easier. I could be myself in email, and not feel as nervous about actually talking with someone. Probably a good reason why I spend so much time on MySpace and CafeMom. So many of these people are far away, and I don’t have to worry about meeting up with them. I want to, don’t get me wrong, but I am content in my bubble where I can get to know a person through emails.

I know that this shyness has caused problems. It has irked certain friends for the fact that I struggled to get out. There is nothing more welcome to a shy person then kids. They provide a reason to not leave the house. And, they are therapy at the same time because when you are out with them, someone always tells you how cute they are. It is forced interaction. It is really a great tool.

I am so bold and forceful with people I do know. Jenni once told me that I used to walk into the customer service department where she worked when we both worked at Earthlink and I had this presence. I know I do the same around my work now. But it is a false bravado. There is nothing backing it. It is my own way to get over the hurdle.

It’s funny, I can totally relate to my dog. She is a Lab/Chow mix. Labs, notoriously friendly with anyone, and Chows who are not as impressed with people. Lycos is a complete mix of them. She is really suspicious of the people that she so wants to play with. It makes her so nervous to be happy. I understand this all too well. I always say I hate people but that I love gatherings. I often think that I really don’t hate people as much as I hate that I am so nervous around them. Gatherings allow me to loosen up enough where I am not the center of attention.

I will suck it up in a little bit and I will call Catherine. It will be fine, I know, but I wish that it didn’t eat at me so.

Tags: shy

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