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please comment! i need help on this one! what should she call my husband?
- Jul 21, 2008 at 8:19 PM
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- Comments (21) Total Views (348) Everyone can see this journal post.
my daughter calls her biological father, "dad, daddy and papa." occassionally, she slips up and calls my husband dad. then she sheepishly corrects herself and calls him by his first name.
seeing her embarassment and guilt, my hubby asked her if she feels comfortable calling him by his first name. she said no. so we all sat down and came to a name that we were all good with. my hubby asked her, "what do you call your dad to make sure that we don't mix them up." she told him. my son is almost 5 months old and he's going to call my hubby "papi." so my daughter suggested that she call him the same thing. we all loved it. the rest of the weekend it was "papi" this and "papi" that. when she went to her dad's house, it came up.
we called my daughter while she was with her dad and when my hubby talked to her, he heard her dad tell her, "tell him about the name thing." she said, "my daddy isn't comfortable with me calling you papi." being the wonderful man that he is, knowing that her jerk dad was listening, he said, i don't want you to feel uncomfortable. why don't we talk about it when you come home, ok?" so that's what we are going to do. she comes home tuesday (tomorrow)
this is our point of view: why would her dad go through a child?! if he has a problem, he should come to US! also, we are not trying to take anything away from my daughter's relationship with her biodad, but instead are trying to enhance a growing and delicate relationship between her and my hubby. i don't feel that he has any right to dictate what goes on in my house. my daughter was comfortable with it, we gave him the respect that she wouldn't call my hubby what she calls her biodad. biodad is VERY insecure with his relationship. i try to put myself in biodad's shoes, but i am not here to cater to HIS feelings. my concern is my daughter. she wants to call my hubby "papi." what advice do you have?!?!
Comments:
It sounds like you might just have to sit down w/biodad and explain to him the situation like he was a child because obviously he's behaving like one. I can understand if you guys allowed her to call her stepdad "dad" but like you mentioned you don't . I think you sound remarkably well-rounded and respectful of everyone's thoughts and feelings. Since she and "papi" already agreed on that, maybe the next thing is to get biodad's opinion (like you really need it or want it, lol!). Ask him what his choice is and go from there. Or tell him this isn't his house anymore and he hasn't any say in what his daughter calls her stepdad as long as it isn't "dad". Grr. I don't know, lol!
I think that it is great that you found a man to share your life with that your daughter accepts. If she feel comfortable calling him Papi, then so be it. Your Hubby sounds like a great man and a great father figure. Sounds like bio dad has some issues that he needs to work out himself!
I agree that you and hubby need to talk to bio-dad and explain that you want to allow him to have a say in it, but at the same time you have a son with your husband who is going to be learning to talk soon and having your daughter (and everyone in the home even if it is a white fib) refer to hubby as "Papi" will lessen the chance of HUBBY'S son getting confused about what he is to call your husband. When my oldest was almost 14 I had a baby. She came to live with us when my baby was about 4 months old and to avoid confusing her we had her refer to my husband (oldest DD's STEP-DAD) as "Dada" so Sissy would not get confused and start calling hubby by his first name. I hope you can work it out. If bio-dad is a jerk about it, maybe it is something that you and your daughter can have the understanding about of "this is THE ONE thing that Daddy does NOT need to know about." She is old enough to understand to call "Papi" by his first name or say "my step-dad" when around her father. Good luck!
Call her bio dad and work this out. She should be left out of the adult disputes and not used as a go between as her bio dad did. I would explain that to him...if he has a problem with something he needs to bring that to your attention. He sounds very insecure and immature. IMO>
She is really the one being hurt by all of this and it is not fair to her at all. Please talk to her and reassure her that she is not to blame or to feel bad at all. It would be nice if bio dad could get along with everyone for the sake of his daughters happiness. If the children and their feelings are put first instead of egos and trouble making...everyone will win.
Bio dad needs to be put in his place...and by you...not your daughter or your husband. Wouldn't it be nice if divorce was never having to deal with the person again. LOL Good luck!
If bio dad does not budge...which he probably won't then you need to do what she feels comfortable with. If it is calling him papi or by his name don't push it.
I heard a saying once that really helps to describe your ex's Behavior....
"Grow up , before your kids do!" I can see why ya traded him in. LOL
My son calls his Bio dad "Daddy" and his step father "Pop".
Your ex is like all other ex's, he feels that you are trying to get him out of your daughters life. You can tell him that it isn't true, but he will only believe what he wants to. You can't change that. But like you said, don't go threw the kids, how childish is that? AND, what happens in your home is for you and you husband to decide, not the ex's! My ex tried this with me, and I reminded him VERY firmly. hes my ex, I am not married to him anymore, I don't live in the same house, he can make the rules in his house, don't even think about trying to make rules for MY house. You, your husband, and daughter need to sit down, work out what works for you guys in your home, then just you and your husband should sit down and let you ex know how it is and that is that! Good Luck, SunnyD1971
i think you should let your daughter decide what she is comfortable with, she is nine yrs old. and she shouldn't be put in an awkward position... i wish you luck!
I went through this with my divorced parents. They could never talk to each other and felt more comfortable going through their children. I was the oldest at 7. I guess they just got to upset to talk with each other and felt like things could be buffered that way. It was a painful stress on us the kids, because if we got the info wrong the parent would complain that the other parent didn't know what was going on, makes bad plans, etc. If you can talk to her bio dad with out getting into a huge fight, I would suggest all complaints and plan making be between adults. My parents still will not talk to each other and go through thier kids, I'm 23 now.
As for the step father thing. My brothers and I called my step father by his first name, Pat. He was also a wonderful man, but this is what we wanted to call him. We had our dad and didn't want anyone to take his place so from 7 years all the way down to my brother who was 1 at the time, we all called him Pat. It's what we were comfortable with. I'm sure your daughter being a little older than I was can better weigh what she wants to do. If what her father thinks is important to her she might choose a different name or just call her step dad by his first but I would leave it up to her. She will make the choice that she is more comfortable with.
I voted other....your daughter should be the one to pick something to call your hubby. The key thing is to let HER have the option of coming up with something she feels comfy with. Then its time for you to sit with bio dad and explain to him that this WILL happen, he WILL support his daughter and not say anything to her about it!. Then after that is all said and done there should be a big family meeting for everyone to sit and just talk. I understand bio-dad's feelings but he needs to let it go, get over it, and show his dd that he loves her enough to let her have a "second" father. She is very blessed to have so many people love her!
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call bio dad and tell him to stay out of it. He may be the "father" but he's NOT her Papi!
- NoahsMomma418
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