I may have hit the depression stage of grief. Before, I know I was more angry then anything. I think I was dumbfounded. I am not saying that I am dwelling on this. I just know that there have been things in the last couple days that I know she would have found amusing that came up. I am unable to share them with her because that relationship no longer exists.

A friend of mine on CafeMom told me that perhaps I don’t miss her so much as what our relationship was supposed to be. Here we are, two people who have been in each other’s lives off and on for 20 years. Yes, I expected arguments and fights. I also expected us to recognize that we would be different, and instead of shying away from it, embracing that. To be friends with someone who is exactly like yourself is cool, don’t get me wrong. But it also is fantastic when you almost come from different view points entirely since it means there is so much more to discuss and learn from one another.

I am venting right now because it is how I get through things. I don’t expect pity or sadness. I don’t expect (nor do I really want) a response from her. I just have questions that I need to get out there so that they no longer dwell in my head.

Why such a dramatic see ya later? Why not just pull away from a person instead of so blatantly breaking ties? Why has this not come up more often being that she said she felt this way for a while? Why not take someone aside before it becomes a “problem” and work it out? Or was I never worth that time? Am I just that awful? Are my journals, viewpoints and way of life so positively revolting that I am not someone anyone would want to befriend?

I was offered a card to send to her. It said, “Dysfunction: The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.” Yes, I was tempted. I opted against in since sure, it was funny, but would it solve anything? Probably not. It would have simply cemented the distance and there would have been no conversation.

The last email I sent to her (aside from me forwarding to her the original response that she did not get the first time around) pretty much said my goodbyes in not so many words. Her only response was that she had not gotten the original response and asked that if I wanted to that I could forward it to her if I still wanted her to read it. I am glad I did, if only because I spent a lot of time on it, and I wanted her to be aware of what I felt.

Her email that provoked my response told me that if I wanted to talk to go ahead and talk since she was there. So I responded:

“I honestly am unsure of what more there is to say. Bottom line is I am not the kind of person you want to be friends with. No amount of defending myself or childish digs on my part are going to convince you otherwise. I debated on even responding to this since I had honestly been making peace out of the whole thing. I figured I might as well move on since it does no good to dwell on what went wrong.

Our fundamental differences are not going to change since they are things that are in our soul. This isn't a bad thing. Just a thing. You felt that we had too many differences to continue, so truly, what can I say? I will miss you. I will be sad that this is how it turned out. I will wish you well, even despite my anger at certain things. I will probably go over this in my head for the rest of my life, questioning everything over and over, trying to determine if things could have been different or better, and I will take things I learned from you to my grave. You have been, regardless of technicalities regarding how long the relationship truly thrived, one of the most important people in my life. And perhaps I messed it all up. Perhaps it was a joint effort. Who knows.

I am sorry if none of this makes sense. “

I only heard back from her to remind me about the concert that night. Perhaps I should have invited her along. But I know that was not the right answer right now.

I am done venting and dwelling for now. I know it will get better. Conner once described grief as a pendulum. You will have your good swing days, and you will have your bad swing days, but eventually, the swing will diminish and you will be ok. This has just been a bad swing day.

Tags: sad, grief, lost friendships

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