What would you have done?
- July 23, 2008 at 1:25 AM by littletandme
- 5 Comment(s)
- 47 Total Views
Tom has a 14 year old daughter who lives in Eau Claire, WI. It's several hours from Kenosha so Tom doesn't see her as much as he'd like to. His daughter has been getting herself in trouble during the past year or so. We think a big part of this is that she's allowed to do what she wants and that her mom can't seem to control her. His daughter has a major attitude, she's had this for years. There are times she talks to Tom on the phone and is down right rude. She swears, we don't allow that type of talking in our house. She's smokes and was keeping it a secret. Well, not really a secret but was doing it behind her mother's back. We just found out tonight that she is now allowed to smoke around her Mom and her grandpa!!! They can somehow reason this by saying they'd rather she do this than burn something down. What the heck. Tom is really angry and I'm just shocked. How can they think this is okay?? What would you do if you were in Tom's position? Thanks for any input you have, we are at a loss. Oh and by the way Tom made it clear to his daughter's Mom and Grandpa that he thinks they are wrong for allowing this. He also talked to his daughter and then told me when he got off the phone that he's at a loss of what he should say. Any suggestions?? What would you do??
Tags: underage smoking, daughter, advice
- Written by littletandme on July 23, 2008 at 1:25 AM
- 47 total views
- See all posts by littletandme
- Everyone can see this journal post.
Comments:
thats a tough one. If he feels strongly enough about this he should talk to a lawyer. I'm guessing her Mom isn't the type to listen to him and how he feels. Custody issues are difficult so having her live with you guys isn't as simple as asking the mom. If he feels his daughter is in danger...meaning she isn't being raised in a loving, safe environment then he can file something with the court to have a judge hear his case. But that gets crazy, expensive, and sadly it doesnt usually go in the Dads favor. (been there, done that with my hubby) If he doesn't feel it's bad enough to take it to court then all he can do is continue talking to his daughter and hoping that someday his words will get through to her. Good luck to you guys!
The thing is that she's 14. She is only going to keep pushing to see what she can get away with. If her mother continues to give in then she will continue to push. Unfortunately since she lives so far away it's hard for you guys to be a good influence on her. At this point all Tom can do is keep calling her and talking to her. Is she coming for the wedding? Maybe you guys can have some sort of influence on her then.
Wow, that's nuts. I can't imagine allowing my kid to smoke! Personally, I would try to get more custody or at least see if you can get some sort of court ordered therapy. There is probably a deeper issue with the daughter and even the mom and they may need counseling. Good luck!
Good morning. I can appreciate your position, we are also a blended family. The hardest thing is that she lives so far away. And obviously her mother and Tom do not share parenting "morals." I'm sure her mother would rather let her do what she wants so she doesn't have to be bothered. My son (stepson, but in my heart he is mine) has a sister that was exactly the same way. Unfortunately, she was not my husband's daughter so we really had no say. Our son came to live with us within a couple of months of my husband and I dating, THANK GOD!!! It is important that Tom continue to state his total rejection of how parenting is going and what his daughter is allowed to do. Sadly, unless you are both willing to have her come live with you, there may not be a whole lot that can be done. I would definately make sure when she is with you that she follow all the house rules and I certainly would not let her go anywhere without an adult. It sounds to me like she is allowed to believe she is an adult by her mother. Here is what I would suggest. Have Tom call his daughter EVERYDAY. Just to check in, let her know he is thinking about her that he loves her. My ex does that for my girls and I can not tell you how important those daily phone calls are to them. (he lives in Kansas, we live in Kenosha). It will take some time, but if his daughter feels like she is a daily thought in his life, then wanting to respect her dad and his wishes will become more important to her. Then, and this is the hard part, Tom should call his daughter's mother and say this, "I'm sure it is not easy trying to raise our daughter. What can I do to help, is there more I can do, do you want her to come down here more often?" Tom needs to let the mom know that regardless of how they feel about each other, that his daughter is more important than anything and that Tom is willing to do what he can to help. Of course, there must be boundaries and if having an unrully 14 year old in your home at this time is not going to be healthy for all of you (you must think about your son and little one on the way) then maybe some extra visits by your husband is just going to have to be necessary. Bottom line, teenagers are smart and master manipulators. It just comes natural, they are trying to see what they can get away with. Your husband just might have to make more of a presence in her life, even if it is just a daily phone call. Here's something that I hate to throw out there, but since this little girl is allowed to do "grown-up" things, do you know if she is sexually active? Has anyone talked to her about protecting herself? My son's half sister was allowed to do whatever she wanted, basicly raised herself after my husband left that house. She gave birth to a little boy one month before she turned 16!!! Right now she smokes. It's stupid and her mother should be slapped upside her head for thinking that letting her do it in front of her is the wise and "cool" mom thing to do. As you know, kids need boundaries and rules. At this point, I would put the smoking on the side and focus on what else she may be allowed to do. That may be more important at this point. I hope I didn't offend you in any way. I'm a social worker and have worked in the community providing in-home "therapy"...I can just see the slippery slope your step-daughter is on right now. Good luck and please let me know if I can help in any way. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!
Want to leave a comment and join the discussion?
Click here to register for CafeMom
Already a member?Click here to log in
Today's Theme (13 posts)
Have you started your holiday shopping yet?
Read what other moms are writing
Write your own post
View Prior Themes
If I were Tom I would def. intervein. He may not get to see her all the time but she is still his daughter and he still has a say-so. Maybe after the wedding have her come stay for a while, sort of like boot-camp?! My sister was like this. My Mom was a single Mother working two jobs and didn't have time to work w/her and because of that she ended up in drugs and all sorts of trouble. If you don't stop this now she will only get worse. My sister is now married, due to have a baby boy in Nov. and doing much better, but she looks back and realizes how stupid she was. Has Tom ever thought about getting full custody? Maybe a change in scenery would help? Def. tough love will help! Get her involved in clubs, sports, chores, etc... Something to keep her busy and def. out of trouble.
KimKoehler Jul. 23, 2008 at 9:25 AM