The real Triad

[MariahB]

So basically, some or all of the people in this list are affected one way or another in a single adoption process. They all have their own struggles, worries, fears, and reservations. I don't think we can properly change things for the better without involving ALL of these groups. Am I leaving anyone out???

social workers
lawyers
first dads
adoptive dads
siblings
first moms
adoptive moms
adoptees
general public
government
agencies
facilitators

[michelisgirl]

Jul. 23, 2008 at 1:22 PM

i agree i am all three and the laws have to change but getting everyone on the same page is gonna take a miricle

[MariahB]

Jul. 23, 2008 at 1:32 PM Miracles take time and patience...I am willing to donate both!

(Original Poster)

[twobutterflys]

Jul. 23, 2008 at 3:44 PM I am wondering why you feel you need to work on the system when you have little experience. What does need to happen, is the general public needs to become aware of how they go out with preconcieved attitudes about adoption and place those values on every experience. Which is what I feel you are doing. There are good agency, lawyer, social workers, adoptive mom, adoptees, and birthmoms out there who don't have issues. You are taking response you are reading on the internet and thinking there is a huge problem. As someone said yesterday, all of us need a private place to vent our frustrations, but it doesn't mean our adoption situation are awful. I myself have friends who are adopted and happy. Friends who are birthmoms and content with their decision and situations, and friends who adopted and happy with their adoptions. I wouldn't change our agencies, attorneys, etc... they were ethical, and fair to all parties involved despite the difficulties in each situation. Again...educate yourself before moving forward in a world very unknown to you. Like someone else said... your acting like you want to be a Dr and going to do surgery tomorrow with very little experience. Does it all need changed, NO, some parts, Yes.

[Momzilla4]

Jul. 23, 2008 at 4:01 PM

I just want to add: there are hundreds of adoption reform groups out there -- we don't need a new one because all bases are covered by the ones that exist.   Talk to some of the long-time reformers and you will get an idea of what the issues are and where you can volunteer.  

Also, frankly, you are offending many people just by the title of your thread: many of us believe that there is no such thing as a triad.  It is a 4-party transaction with significant power differential between the 4 parties.

Adoption is a very polarized political arena, especially because two parties gain in adoption and two parties lose, and the system is set up only to protect the rights of those who gain and these are also the two parties who have political clout.    You will NOT find that there is one path that unites everyone.  Especially natural mothers and adoptive parents:  We wanted our children and they wanted our children and thus there is no "common ground."

[Bryn1020]

Jul. 23, 2008 at 4:21 PM

One way to make a difference is by adopting a child in need, i.e. foster care.  And every person you come in contact with in your life will be better educated about adoption by you using proper adoption terms, explaining adoption, people witnessing the difference you made in that childs life, debunking false adoption myths, and so on. 

The reforms adoption needs to face vary by the party you speak to you.  Agencies will have their issues, first or birth moms will have another set of issues that need addresssed, and so on with adoptees and adoptive parents.  It is a complicated process that is hard to get your head around, especially if you have no real involvement in any one side.  Although your passion is admirable, you are scratching the surface of something larger than you might imagine.

[MariahB]

Jul. 23, 2008 at 5:33 PM Well said Bryn1020, but for some reason I am also getting a lot of responses from people who still think there is a problem. If everyone were telling me that adoption is fine the way it is, then I would have no cause. There is coercion, black market, social anxiety, fear, and lots of other things that still need attention. There are people who want to adopt but are still having a hard time finding the resources they need. If the existing agencies and programs were covering all the bases you would think that the people contacting me have tried all of the options available and nothing has worked for them. Furthermore, the attitudes that revolve around adoptions are unfair. It is guilt ridden and I personally think that if everything was so hunky dory, then there wouldn't be any hard feelings toward each other and there would be no need for secret places to vent. Why can't first mothers vent directly to adoptive families...they must be afraid of something. Why is that not being addressed publicly? We could all learn something from each other. And no I'm not being a smart ass... I really honestly want to know why.

(Original Poster)

[Momzilla4]

Jul. 24, 2008 at 1:29 AM

Why can't first mothers vent directly to adoptive families...they must be afraid of something."

Yes, because if we do in open adoptions, we may lose contact with our children.  Adoptive parents have every legal right to cut off all communication and close open adoptions.  If you let on that you feel grief and loss (and thus by extension give a hint that you miss your child and thus potentially wish you had never surrendered) then you can bet your open adoption will close.  You have to "dance the happy dance" and keep up the smiles if you want to see your child or receive those precious photos.

And if you speak out in-general about how adoption traumatizes many natural mothers, you will be attacked as being bitter, angry, misguided, and hate-filled.  There is a huge negative social backlash against speaking up against adoption.  One advocate for adoption reform and the welfare of natural mothers had her house firebombed and received police protection for years after that.  Others have received death threats.   These are extremes of course, but they are more common than you think.  Some such as myself keep "anonymous" to protect our families.   The industry and its supporters want to silence and discredit us.

 

"Why is that not being addressed publicly?"

It IS.  All the time, all over.   Have you checked out the organization Ethica? Or Origins USA?  Both are working publically on issues such as these.   You may find that joining a group such as this would be where you may find others with your interests. Especially Ethica at http://www.ethicanet.org/

 

As well, check out Elizabeth Samuels' article "Time to Decide? The Laws Governing Mothers' Consents to the Adoption of Their Newborn Infants" which is a higly conservative article on adoption reform that still concludes:  "Most state laws, in contrast to the laws of many other countries, provide that consent may be given and become irrevocable almost immediately after the child's birth. Under the laws in more than half the states, irrevocable consent can be established in fewer than four days. The Article concludes that the laws of most states do not sufficiently promote mothers' deliberate decisionmaking."

And you may be interested in Australia's practices, compared by an Australian social worker in an article at
http://www.originscanada.org/comparison.html  . In Australia, for example, mothers are protected from coercive practices that include the common emotional coercion (often bordering on entrapment) resulting from pre-surrender contact with, or payments from, PAPs.   On a related note:  Did you know that minimum wage in Australia is $14/hour?  This is another reason why poverty is not forcing mothers to surrender down there: their human rights are respected.    There are only a handful of adoptions in Australia every years because coercion has been prevented by new legislation.

[MsGita]

Jul. 24, 2008 at 1:45 AM

I'm confused, you started out saying your goal was to educate the world about the pure positivity of adoption and now you are saying that you want to be an advocate for change. However, I am very glad to see that you have obviously heard from many women with many different experiences and you starting to see just how complex it is.

As for your question:

"Why can't first mothers vent directly to adoptive families...they must be afraid of something. Why is that not being addressed publicly?"

1.)Many first mothers can not vent to adoptive families because they simply have no contact. If it is a closed adoption they usually have never met and have no contact info available. Even in many "open" or "semi-open" adoptions there is no one-on-one contact. Letters go through the agency and there are no phone calls.

2.) Many first mothers can not vent to adoptive parents because they are fear of loosing the contact they do have. Adoptive parents can stop contact at anytime.

3.) In many cases (including mine) there is no reason to vent to the adoptive parents. They are not who I am angry with, they are not the ones who deceived me. My anger is with the adoption agency and the adoption industry. That is why first mothers have such a tight bond, we share the same experiences and we can vent without being judged.

 

[maddiesmom107]

Jul. 24, 2008 at 9:19 AM On your list, you never mentioned the child. This is typical. Everyone worries about themselves the most,as you read in the following comments and as I'm sure you've read more, very little is spoken about what is best for the child, both short term and long term. Adoption should always be about making the best decision for a child, anything beyond that is selfish. No matter who stays or becomes a parent, children come first.

[MariahB]

Jul. 24, 2008 at 10:25 AM Maddiesmom107, I meant the child as the adoptee(maybe I used the wrong word,sorry). Ms.Gita, my original plan was to change adoption period. I still think that adoption itself is positive, it's just being abused right now. If adoptions were being done fairly and properly, then it would be a very very positive and beautiful thing. So basically I still claim 7/22 as World adoption day and I still want to make a difference. I believe that change is possible and I am willing to fight to make it happen. I also still think it could work for all sides! I think that adoptive parents have to be open to other ways of obtaining a desired child such as fertility treatments or other types of surgeries that serve to "implant" the mother with an embryo. Plus, they also need to be educated on human rights and patience because it is not right to think that you somehow have a right to adopt. That is not a human right. The human right in this case is the right to parent your child. You would think that if they are paying all this money they would pay to try the alternatives too... or maybe I'm just dreaming :)

(Original Poster)