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Life is getting more stressful...
- Jul 25, 2008 at 9:53 AM
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- Comments (5) Total Views (79) Everyone can see this journal post.
Well as you all know (the ones that know me anyway). I am going through a divorce. Reason for divorce is my husband and I have done many hurtful things to one another (we are both not proud of our past) but that is what it is the past. It is done & over with just like our marriage. Any way I am finding it so hard to move on from things our divorce should be finalized in September, but support hearing is in a few days and I am a nervous wreck (don't know why I am scared but I am). I am not one to face things with a positive outlook lately. The past 5 years have sucked for us. First we lost my step-father to pulmonary fibrosis and having my kids say goodbye to him killed me inside because my real father had passed when I was 16yo and my husband's father has only seen my kids twice in their short little lives so they only had my step-dad to call Poppy and he was the best Poppy ever. Then 3 months after he died. My SIL Kim only 37yo died of liver, colon and brain cancer that was another horrible day watching her take her last breathe and knowing she was leaving behind a 2 yo for my brother to take care of. My poor brother has dealt with depression since he was a teen and he is a great Dad but always second guesses himself and I just want him to remain strong for her and his sake. Then 13 months after Kim (SIL) died my Mom (best-friend, supporter, biggest fan) died. I thought to myself WHY, What the hell did we do to deserve so much grief.. Before my mom passed away I stood by her bedside with tears in my eyes just looking at her and wondering if she was ever going to wake up? I just couldn't feel anything I was numb, alone, scared and just at my wits end I had just buried my SIL and SD why now why my mom.. I remember the drive home from the hospital that night just like it was yesterday. I drove home and my STBX was next to me I told him I am going to lose my Mom tonite. He tried to be supportive and tried to make me feel better but that trait was never taught to him so he did his best. I did receive the dreadful call at 1:13am that my Mom had passed. I remember just sitting there in disbelief and wondering how do I tell my kids (they have already lost so much in their lives). So I opted not to tell them until I made the funeral arrangements etc. It took me 2 days to plan everything and once I did I had to sit with my kids and explain that Gammy was gone. I hated looking at their little faces again in 16 months I had to go through this with them again. Well now I am putting them through a much needed divorce and I don't want them to hurt anymore. But at the same time I don't want to be married to the man I once loved. I am just venting because I am scared and having no family support makes me feel uneasy.. Thanks for the vent if any of you read this I appreciate any type of boost to my esteem that you can provide. Love & Huggs to all my CafeMomma Lynn (Lynnguini)
Comments:
Despite all your grief, your remain the pillar of strength for your kids. You are a very strong woman, with much love and compassion for others~in this most difficult time, you are the one who needs a little support sent your way. Just know, no matter how bad things seem right now, after your divorce is final~it's like starting over. You get to choose everything fromhere on out. You get to make good choices and experience new things. Most of all, you are a wonderful role model for your children~even thoug they too have struggled with the loss of people they love, and now the divorce, you continue to teach them love and healing. You are a wonderful mother and your children are a shining example of your love. Above all, loving your kids is all that matters.
Keep plugging away~adapt the motto~This too shall pass~and live every day knowing you are doing your best that day.
Much love,
Cathy Jo
You know I am always here when you want to vent, and never feel that you have to apologize for doing so. Your a strong woman, and you can do this and when it is all said and done, you can look back and smile and say " I did it" and I am on the top now. The way you think has a lot to do with the occurrences in your life, change the thinking to being more positive and you will get just that. You know you can always send the kids over to my house, we love having them here and it seems they like being here too :) Whatever we can do to help, just let us know. Remember, you do have people that care about you and things will be fine, just believe they will.
I am sooo sorry for your losses!! I have dealt with a lot of death in my life and it is never easy. I lost both of my parents when I was 4, so my elderly grandmother( She was 78 and my ONLY living grandparent) took all of my siblings in to raise, there was 7 of us...me being the youngest! Then when I was 17 I lost my 5 year old nephew. His mother(MY SIL) was driving under the influence and hit another car head on. Everyone else survived. I think my nephew would have but he was not wearing his seat belt and was ejected from the car! My grandmother died on my 18th birthday! (Guess she stayed around to make me legal age to take care of my age) Three years ago my nephew and brother in law was killed in an accident (same spot as my 5 year old nephew...CREEPY)!! Unfortunately, that story is more unfortunate...my sister's house caught on fire the day for and they were on there way to my house and there was a huge snow storm and they hit a snow drift and hit a semi head on, my sister was behind them and seen the whole house! So, in 22 hours my sister lost her husband, her oldest son and her house and everything she owned!! An I think I have bad days!! She is a remarkable women, she had picked up the pieces of her life and found a great guy that her and her kids adore and she is regaining her happiness!! ;) Ok, I have babbled enough! What I am trying to say is that If you need someone to talk to, I am only a phone call away! I know what you are going through and I know how you feel!!
I'm sending you a big mental hug. You've been through SO much and endured so much loss in such a short time, you have my deepest admiration for being able to express yourself clearly and keep carrying on. Your children will always know that you're there for them and that you have their best interests in mind.
Divorce is such a strange thing, even when you want it and when it's absolutely for the best. You get a fresh start and all of the wonderful possibilities that come with that. But there's also a sense of loss and a need to mourn, and I think we women feel like we're more responsible for making marriages work than men are, and we SHOULDN'T, but that's the way it goes. Don't be hard on yourself over whatever feelings you have, no matter what they are.
I don't know you and we'll probably never meet, but you'll be in my thoughts.
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I am so sorry for all of your losses! You sound like a very strong person and compassionate mother. Life sometimes throws us so many curveballs that we don't know which way to bend. Dark days surround you now, but please remember that it will get better. You have many emotions to sort through at this time, don't fight them. Cry if you need to cry, scream, vent, get it out in the open. Take a deep breath and visualize a better tomorrow. You will make it and if you ever need someone to chat with, call on your sisters at CafeMom. We are here to support you!
- Jen528
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