Please tell me this book is a load of garbage

[runawaybunny]

I've been reading an old book called My Mother/My Self by Nancy Friday published in 1977. Maybe all the information in this book is hopelessly outdated. Let's hope so because for the past 250 some-odd pages I've been reading about all the ways that I'm going to scar my daughter for life.

Apparently, screwing up your daughter starts at birth. If she is not quite as beautiful as you expected you will withhold physical affection and not smother her with all the hugs and kisses a girl needs in the first years of life. According to the book, mothers feel more comfortable showering a boy with physical affection. A girl will sense even the tiniest bit of withheld affection, leaving her with an empty void she will never be able to fill as long as she lives. Dodged a bullet there. Noël gets no shortage of hugs and kisses, so I guess the destruction of her emotional life hasn't begun yet.

My next opportunity to destroy her life is when she discovers her vagina. If I tell her to leave it alone or pull her hand away I will send the inevitable message: SEX IS SHAMEFUL AND DIRTY! A message she will carry with her like genetic code, infecting every future relationship she forms.

What if I teach her that her body is a beautiful and miraculous temple of which she should be proud? No good. She will sense my embarrassment when she lifts her dress in the supermarket to show all the world her beautiful miraculous vagina. The scars will be all the deeper because of the mixed message. She will wander her life in emotional confusion, vacillating between promiscuity and frigidity.

I wonder if the privacy speech I gave the boys is a good enough compromise between the shameful and the prideful options. I don't know. The book doesn't cover it.

At the age of six she'll start flirting with Daddy. Here's Daddy's first opportunity to scar her emotionally. If he ignores her attentions, or worse yet, is embarrassed by them, she will lose all confidence in her ability to be attractive to men. She'll marry the first man who asks her out. Since I read this passage to my husband he has not missed an opportunity to tell her how beautiful she is.

From then on, it's just damned if I do and damned if I don't. When she begins her attempt to win Daddy away from me, she'll suffer the inevitable sting of defeat and I will become the competition with whom she can't compete. It doesn't matter anyway because if she were to steal Daddy's attention away she would suffer the burden of guilt that comes with stealing from Mommy.

If I don't present menstruation in a beautiful shining light of glorious womanhood she will forever be branded with the idea that womanhood is a shameful burden and menstruation, a dirty embarrassment. If I present it as a glorious beautiful gift she will sense my insincerity because I don't actually find buying tampons to be the splendorous experience I make it out to be. Once again I've sent that ruinous mixed message.

Next comes adolescence. According to the book, she will befriend a gang of back-stabbing man-stealing bitches. And if I stand up for my daughter by denouncing these little brats, it will only be because I'm lashing out at some unresolved feelings from my own childhood because I haven't properly allowed my daughter to separate from the mother/daughter bond. Yeah. Can't wait for that.

It gets worse. When my daughter begins to fit into my clothes I'll supposedly turn into some jealous old hag, bemoaning my lost youth and beauty. I'm 36 years older than she is. Exactly how delusional do I need to be to not realize that her youth will outshine me when she's 16 and I'm 52? Won't the grace and confidence that come with age allow me to recoup a little dignity? I'd better not give up the kickboxing classes. Apparently, I'm going to need that tight butt and thighs to give me a self-esteem boost in my 50's. But I'd better not look too good. Nancy warns that at a time when a girl has little but youth to give her an edge it can be a shattering defeat when Mom fits into her clothes.

I pray to God that at the end of all this doom and gloom will come at least a page or two of "...To prevent all this, you simply need to do xyz." But I'm not counting on it. If there are any mothers of teenage daughters out there who read this, could you please reassure me that this book is all a bunch of who-ha?

[SnoozeButton]

Jul. 25, 2008 at 11:55 AM

lol - Nancy cracks me up.  She definitely has outdated views, but I still enjoy reading her.  Also - if you're not too conservative, you might want to track down "My Secret Garden".  It's a fun read, but definitely not for the faint-hearted or conservatives. :)

[Moomie]

Jul. 25, 2008 at 12:20 PM

First I want to say how GLAD I am that I do NOT have a girl! *whew* I really dodged a bullet there! *lol*

And secondly, snoozebutton is right, "My Secret Garden" is a "fun" read. *lol* But definitely not if you are ashamed of your miraculous vagina! *LOL*

[PLCL]

Jul. 25, 2008 at 5:29 PM

Geez, now I know what happened to my Mom...she read this book and just said "Oh, f**k it, do what you want!" LMAO!

[mancosmomma]

Jul. 25, 2008 at 7:28 PM

Geez, it's so nice to know I can blame all my failures, foibles and freakness on my dear mommy. 

Bad mommy, bad, bad mommy!

[nctarheelmom]

Jul. 25, 2008 at 8:02 PM

OK this just cracked me up!! I just about lost it at the beginning with "if she isn't beautiful at birth, just withhold affection."  HAHAHAHAHAHA

I read the part about the "daddy' affection to my hubby and he just said, "OH MY GAWD!!"

 

[goingbonkers07]

Jul. 25, 2008 at 8:37 PM

Sweety, I think you should just burn the book...

[Aladdin711]

Jul. 25, 2008 at 9:43 PM

OMG, I cannot believe this!  I was at work today and forgot to bring something to read - and on a shelf where we sometimes put books for people to take if they want, was a copy of this book!  I didn't get too far - skimmed through and since I am old enough to have been around in 1977 I can say that I can read it in a more historical context.  However, that being said, a lot of it seems too heavy handed - every mom makes mistakes, yours did, mine did, and we will too. We all just do our best.

[stefanierios]

Jul. 25, 2008 at 10:42 PM

Seems to me like that book embodies the constant contradictions of all motherhood, not just the mother/daughter relationship.  As a mother, you will ALWAYS be damned if you do damned if you don't.

[Seriously92]

Jul. 26, 2008 at 12:27 AM

Yep - that's why I ordered boys.  What a mess.  Good luck with that.

[genxmomma]

Jul. 26, 2008 at 2:01 AM

Definitely burn the book!  Thanks for the brief synopsis though.  Saves me the trouble of actually reading about all of the ways that I am fucking with Claire's mental stability.  Oh well, she can blame me if she wants.  After all, I blame my mother, and she blames her mother.... 

Yes, daughters are truly a blessing!  I waited 9 years to have my own little reminder of all of my inadequacies!