One of my kids, I think

[katemn]

Rignt now I am parenting my nephew.  He has been living with us for over a year now, and I've included him in my kids on my profile page.  I treat him no differently than any of my other children, I hope, at least I try.

Lately I've been noticing some changes in him that are good, that are typical of his age, but I am also feeling the need to process my relationship with him because it is so much more complicated than that with my other children, and I feel as though I am sailing uncharted waters with him.

With my other two, they were conceived and born of me, and I know them intimately because I have been getting to know them since before birth.  They have not known any other family, any other love or lack of it, or any other way of doing things.  With Morgan, I am still getting to know him now, and the way he was all through growing up so I understand how he is now.

Right now, it is like he has a split personality, because he is starting to come to terms with the fact that there are many ways to do things, many ways to think about love and family, and I see it in his face and in his eyes that he is figuring all this out.  It took him a year with us to get his head out of the sand, and now he's starting to step back and analyze.

He is my husband's next older sister's son.  They got divorced when he was 2 or 3, and my husband helped his sister out with him and became a kind of father figure to him, when his real dad split because he couldn't take living with Morgan's mom any more.   She struggled to raise him while getting a degree and becoming a teacher.  She married another guy when Morgan was 8, and this guy promised to be a dad to Morgan.  He comes from a very tight-knit family (trying to be generous here) but also a very conservative one. 

Ok, I can't be generous if I'm going to tell this story.  His mom's 2nd husband is from a family with a clan mentality.  If you aren't one of us, so they believe and act, you won't get treated the same way.  They're uneducated, and they live by black and white laws, not with understanding of the nuances of the human heart and psyche.  Morgan had a little cousin over there that was treated like the prince of the family because he was the first official grandson.  Morgan was the red-headed stepchild, except that he has blond hair.

So his mother kind of raised him with neglect.  She would make him do chores she didn't want to do, and make him fix his own supper because she was too lazy to do it. "I lived on macaroni and cheese out of a box from 8 to 13. I made it extra buttery." Morgan told me the other night after I helped him make mac n' cheese from scratch.  He never got to do sports, music, or go to friends' houses because his mom was too lazy to take him.   They put him on drugs for ADD because he couldn't focus, because no one ever taught him how.

We went to dinner at their house the spring before he came here, and he was given a hot dog on a paper plate, then told to go cut blackberry bushes (blackberry bushes!!) while the adults, and his new twin baby brother and sister enjoyed pork roast together.  This apparently was a daily occurrence.  

This morning, we were sitting around the island eating breakfast and talking, and Andrew was keeping up a cute little chatter while he was playing with toy cars.  Morgan commented, "I kept a running commentary in my head when I played with cars." When I asked why he didn't talk out loud, he said, "because my parents didn't like it."

His seventh grade year he hung out with kids considered losers, and got Cs and Ds.  He got in trouble for disrespecting teachers.   Now, not only was he persona non grata with his little cousin around, he was even more so because his mom and stepdad had had twin babies.   When I had Chloe, his first comment to me was, "well, I guess Andrew and me will be getting a lot less attention now." 

Unfortunately, all this led to his acting out in a way that no one in his life was prepared to handle.  To me, it was the act of someone who figures he doesn't have anything to lose, so why not?  I can't say any more than that about what he did.  I can talk about the results.

His stepdad, who had promised to be dad to him, turned his back forever.  His mom got him into the system instead of getting inside his head and helping him, and then kept fawning him off on us because she wanted to be with her inlaws who refused to have anything to do with Morgan ever again.  Nobody else on my DH's side of the family was really prepared to deal with it; luckily, my husband and I between us have: common sense, compassion, a family law attorney, a special ed (emotional needs) educator, a parenting instructor, and parents with endless love to go around.  We were not without resources. 

There was no decision.  There was no discussion between my husband and me.  Jesus said, love one another.  Morgan came to us. 

We had no idea what we were getting into.

Tags: children, compassion, love, neglect, nephew, parenting

Add A Comment

[MommaK2007]

Jul. 25, 2008 at 6:29 PM

I'm hooked. On to the sequel.

[sadiee21]

Jul. 25, 2008 at 6:33 PM

I can relate. I had two of my nephews here from Jan until June of this year b/c their mom decided to go live in a motel with her boyfriend and dad only wanted their older brother. We are talking a 6 year old and an 8 yr old who knew their parents didn't want them. Mom came to visit twice both times just for her tax refund checks and dad called once a month. The older one went from C's and D's to Honor roll while with us. I feel bad for them but we just found out they are going back to their dad's in August at least they will not be with their mom. I am glad your nephew has people like you and your hubby.

[amyhwoods]

Sep. 18, 2008 at 3:08 AM

BEAUTIFUL story! Can't wait to read the other two posts!