More about my nephew

[katemn]

This last year with Morgan was tough.  It was just a tough year all around.  I didn't really get much chance to get to know him.  I know that now that I've spent a great deal of time with him this summer.

I had a brand new baby in September, I had to return to my full-time teaching job after five weeks, I had to take an online class in the fall in order to get approval for an alternative teaching license, I had to be junior class sponsor (other teachers had talked about this as an activity that was not an acceptable alternative to poking sharp sticks in their eyes and disrupted their digestion for as long as it took for it to be their turn to be junior sponsor again), and I had a two year old to care for.

I pretty much had my hands full, and since Morgan was going to school with my husband, at his school, I didn't really pay that much attention.  They'd leave at 6:30 in the morning on their hour commute, and I'd get the little ones ready to go with me to daycare in the little town where my school was located.   They'd stay for sports, and come home around eight every night.  Morgan would disappear to do his homework and chores, and then we'd do it all again the next day.  DH was the one that kept after him about his homework and assignments and behavior in school, and largely, his behavior at home.

Weekends were cleaning up from the week and getting ready for the next week.  Our family time was vegging in front of movies because we were too exhausted to do anything else.  Our extra special family time was tearing apart the kitchen over spring break.  Morgan wasn't with us at Christmas, he was with his dad.

Morgan joined the band, a rock band, really.  He got a guitar for his birthday and learned to play it.  He played all the sports my husband coached and managed the girls' team because he had to be there anyway.  On his birthday, we let him have a friend stay overnight.   At the end of the year, a few days after school let out, a report card arrived in the mail with straight A's for the year.  We'd thrown his drugs away months before.

All this despite continuing court appearances, including the final hearing at which his probation agreement was set, and a once-a-week, so-called therapy class that caused him to miss sports practice.  Polygraphs, harangues over the phone from his stepdad, mixed messages from his mom, special parenting classes we had to attend, special babysitting arrangements we had to make.

Just now, over the summer, am I finally getting a chance to get to know him. More importantly, to get to know ME with him. 

I joke that we got a "crash course in parenting a teenager," but as you can see from this and the previous post, it was so much more than that.   It felt like we didn't know what we'd gotten ourselves into until we were in it, and then it kept getting more and more challenging. 

The first year I really think was a blessing for me because my husband knew him better initially from his contact with him in his childhood, and instinctively knew better how to handle him with his unique issues, aside from Morgan being full-on into the teenage years and acting accordingly. 

We took him on our Portland trip together, and he was an angel.  He behaved so incredibly well, he interacted well with everyone we were with, he went with us to new experiences with an open mind.

Then my husband left for five weeks to do graduate classes 3 hours away.  He's been gone all of the five weeks.  He'll be home tomorrow for good.  He'd come home on weekends, and for a week over the 4th of July, but for those five weekday weeks, it's just been me and the kids. 

This week, the last week, I've been kind of taking a step back.  My husband pointed out, after a particularly bad week between Morgan and me, that Morgan enjoys pushing my buttons and that I let him push them.  I get a helpless feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see that gleam in Morgan's eye because we both know he's won.  My husband said, when he makes a comment you don't like, you don't have to come back at him. Just ignore it.

Blatant disrespect I cannot ignore.  But Morgan, the son of a master manipulator (his mother) knows just how to tread that fine line, and then when I tell him to please sit down for a moment and adjust his attitude, he asks me in all innocence, what did I do to make you mad?  And my response has to be, I'm not mad.  I simply will not tolerate disrespect. 

But as I mentioned in the previous post, he's starting to analyze what his mother tells him, and what we tell him.  He's starting to vocalize about his previous experiences and how they compare to how we do things in our family.   He's starting to question the messages his mom gives him.  For example, he didn't want to have to choose us over his mother.  His knowledge of love used to be, if you decide to love someone new, it means you have to stop loving the old person.  That's because when he said to his mother that he loved his dad, she'd say, well, that must mean you don't love me.  

No surprise coming from a kid who was shoved aside by every adult in his life when those twin siblings came along.

Daniel told him in no uncertain terms, that love doesn't work that way.  When you love someone new, you can keep loving the old person.  You can give love to as many people as you want, or as you need.  Love expands, love is endless. 

He's going to be fifteen in October, and a freshman this fall.  He's incredibly creative.  I found some modeling clay I'd been saving for Andrew that was a bit dry, and quicker than you can say "parade of vehicles with fries" he'd made a pickup hauling a tractor on a trailer, a sedan towing a camper trailer, a crop duster plane, a pink and red train engine (he was running out of colors) and a teeny tiny burger, fries, and coke complete with straw and removable lid.  Inside the burger was a smear of mustard, ketchup, and two pickles.   On the back of the pickup was a teeny tiny black dog.

He dreams of painting his car (an old Dodge) black and gray with flames.  He writes incredible creative writing pieces for his language arts classes.  His vocabulary and speech is advanced for his age.  He asks questions that I constantly have to answer, that's a really good question, we might have to look it up on the internet. He can make a toy out of anything and he has been helping Andrew learn how to play with stuff like a boy.  I can't do that, I'm his mom, and a girl.

He's developing emotional literacy because we don't say he's a crybaby when he cries and to stop crying and act like a man.  But we are helping him not cry as much because he has other tools to handle his frustration--writing, playing his guitar.

He's developing social interaction because we have family dinners together.  He's learning how to function as a member of a family unit because he does everything we do and is asked his opinions and allowed some decision making power.  Wdon't make him do chores because we don't want to do them, but because everyone in the family is required to participate and help out according to their age and abilities.   We give him his private space but don't banish him to it because we don't like his chatter.  We teach him what is appropriate to say in different circumstances or not at all.  We tell him we love him and make him go to bed at a decent hour. 

I'm not doing this because I read a book.  It's just instinct.

Seriously, gals, isn't this what normal families do??? Seriously.  Am I nuts?  Am I too harsh for making home-cooked meals and insisting that he sit up straight and use his fork correctly?  Am I out of line for asking him not to interrupt when Adrew's talking?   Am I too hard on him for asking him to clear the table after supper while I try to nurse the baby to sleep while keeping Andrew from bouncing off the walls?  Am I too rigid for not letting him have free access to the internet, but let him look up guitar tabs any time he wants?

Isn't this a normal family life??

I'm just asking these questions because I'm so exhausted from doing it all these past few weeks, except for weekends, and when my husband comes home at 9 am tomorrow morning I'm going to do the crazy dance.  Sometimes it's hard to be introspective, when you've been keeping three self-centered (because of their ages) children occupied and sane all day.  That's why I've been spending so much time on CM, I'm desperate for adult conversation (thanks Kimberly!) and perspective!

We haven't even talked about trust yet.  It was something that didn't even occur to me that he wouldn't have for us, because I grew up in a family where trust for one another was so much a part of our lives it wasn't questioned.  I think that  Morgan is just NOW beginning to develop trust in me.  Or maybe he's still not there.  I think it's hard for him to trust mother figures because he sees his stepdad beat his mother and dictate her life. 

He trusts my husband because he was there for him at a young age, and because of their togetherness over the past school year.  But to consciously earn the trust, I didn't know how to do, I still don't, I just, keep making homemade bread and letting him eat as much as he wants, and taking him swimming with me on my workouts, and answering his questions and holding him accountable for bad behavior, and letting him talk my ear off about cars, and watching movies with him after the little ones are in bed.  Keeping my promises. 

And then there was the comment from his principal, who has had experience with this kind of thing: "He's got the look of a kid who's been abused."

Talk about a crash course.  

 

Tags: childhood, commitment, love, nephew, parenting, teenagers

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[MommaK2007]

Jul. 25, 2008 at 6:42 PM

Aw, Kate.  You've had to cover so much ground in a short period of time.  And you've had to undo damage that was done by someone else.  You didn't have the luxury of growing into being the parent of a teen; instead, you were thrown into it (picturing Zeke being thrown into a tub of water -- appendages spread in all directions, claws out, wild eyes, fluffed tail -- lol) without warning.  There's more, right? I'm moving on.

[amyhwoods]

Sep. 18, 2008 at 3:17 AM

Sounds like you're living normal family life and being a WONDERFUL mother - better than anyone could ask for! I can only HOPE I'm this great!! If I need advice, after I seek my own family out, I'm seeking YOU out for sure!! Thanks for reminding me that no matter what life throws at someone, they CAN handle it well if they choose to. On to the next post .... :)