I never wanted children. Couples with no children have more money, travel, bigger houses, free time and such. That's what I wanted, or so I thought.

But shortly after my marriage to the love of my life, I endured 8 months of debilitating physical feelings, I was almost positive I was dying of a terrible slow disease except for the ultrasounds which did prove the baby was growing. Eventually, our blessed Matteo entered the world. And of course like most moms I can't even imagine life without him. The past nine months have been intoxicating. So perfect, so wonderful, full of miracles, smiles and giggles. I thought how could I have never wanted this.

But it has been long week personally, professionally and tonight my little guy threw one of his first tantrums at 10 months when he was firmly sat back down in the slippery soapy tub, and told NO, you can not practice standing here. And watching him turn red, scream and spit over my actions which were only implemented to keep him safe, I suddenly experienced feelings of angst, annoyance and fatigue. 

 I tried evoke feelings of peace and happiness such as breastfeeding the silent beautiful boy at 6 months, but to no avail. all I could hear was the wail, screech and splashing of my infant now that he didn't get his way. And suddenly the terrible thought entered my mind, "this is why you never wanted children" and " welcome to the rest of your life".

So I swooped him out of the tub, and eventually the crying stopped and now bedtime has come and gone; the house is silent., peace has returned, and for this I am blessed. I am lucky to have this as the rest of my life. Although, from each day going forward, I pray, that there are more giggles and smiles than tantrums in our house. 

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Comments:

rocks...
Jul. 26, 2008 at 10:11 PM

i never wanted to be a mom either.. hes 1 month and 3 days.. im still get used to it but im okay so far

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Kelly...
Jul. 26, 2008 at 10:27 PM

 I have always wanted to be a mom.  After many years of prayers God answered and I am finally a mommy.  We adopted our son who is now 3.  Just wait for the fun ahead.  He is non-stop full of energy, but I would not have it any other way.  He keeps me on the go and young at heart. Seeing him sleeping and so peaceful it truly is amazing from the active running yelling little boy during the day.  I don't know where he gets so much energy!!  We try and just wear him out but he outlast us half the time.  We took a trip to the zoo lots of walking-of course we took his stroller.  He walked a good ways we seen he was getting tired.  As soon as we put him in his car seat he was fast asleep.  We just knew yes we can get home and take a nap ourselves.  Well, he awoke the minute we took him out of his carseat....lol.  Children are truly a blessing !! 

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KathySRW
Jul. 26, 2008 at 11:47 PM

Have you ever read Operating instructions by Anne Lamott ? She does such a good job of writing what it's like to have a baby and raise a child, after a lifetime of saying she never wanted kids, and lacking any natural maternal instincts. You might like her sense of humor! I really identified with it!

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