I never wanted children. Couples with no children have more money, travel, bigger houses, free time and such. That's what I wanted, or so I thought.
But shortly after my marriage to the love of my life, I endured 8 months of debilitating physical feelings, I was almost positive I was dying of a terrible slow disease except for the ultrasounds which did prove the baby was growing. Eventually, our blessed Matteo entered the world. And of course like most moms I can't even imagine life without him. The past nine months have been intoxicating. So perfect, so wonderful, full of miracles, smiles and giggles. I thought how could I have never wanted this.
But it has been long week personally, professionally and tonight my little guy threw one of his first tantrums at 10 months when he was firmly sat back down in the slippery soapy tub, and told NO, you can not practice standing here. And watching him turn red, scream and spit over my actions which were only implemented to keep him safe, I suddenly experienced feelings of angst, annoyance and fatigue.
I tried evoke feelings of peace and happiness such as breastfeeding the silent beautiful boy at 6 months, but to no avail. all I could hear was the wail, screech and splashing of my infant now that he didn't get his way. And suddenly the terrible thought entered my mind, "this is why you never wanted children" and " welcome to the rest of your life".
So I swooped him out of the tub, and eventually the crying stopped and now bedtime has come and gone; the house is silent., peace has returned, and for this I am blessed. I am lucky to have this as the rest of my life. Although, from each day going forward, I pray, that there are more giggles and smiles than tantrums in our house.
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