So, its been month, a whole month and she is still alive, wow, If I can keep her alive for a whole month, then maybe there is a chance that I can do it for the next 18 years, WOW, 18 years!!!!... just think about that for a sec...18 years...plus...
I look at her, sleeping in my arms, and she is totally dependent on me. She trust me, depends on me, needs me. Doens't ask why, or judge, or second guess, just takes it for true. Wow. I feed her, cloth her, and keep her clean. With out me, she would be completely helpless, she is completely helpless. Have you ever felt so much responsibility just laid at your doorstep?
When we were in the hospital, the nurses were there to make sure she was clean and feed and comfortable. I had just had emergency surgery so for a split second I couldn't meet her needs. But then you heal, and they release you. They release you both, out into the world. They don't ask questions or give you a book or anything. They just assume and trust that when you get home, away from the nurses call buttons and the many eyes that come in around the clock, that you'll know. You'll know what to do, and how to do, and how many times to do it. Now that, that is the scariest feeling, to be let loose to do what "comes naturally". (which by the way is the most unnaturalfeeling.) But off we went, to our home. The home that was once just mine and my husbands. To watch late night television, sleeping in, and leaving at a moments notice. Now it was baby's home, the only home that she's ever known.
As scary and overwhelming as it all my seem, you don't realize it. You just do it. You get up when they cry, you respond to their 3:00 am feedings, you know when they need a new diaper. And you just go, with out a question. As sleep deprived and hungry as you may be, you don't care. for they come first, their needs are met before yours. And you don't care, you don't remember what is was like to shower and eat before you started you day because you wanted to. You don't remember life with out them. For now, this, this is life. She is life, my life. I need her, just as much as she needs me.
Wow, a month a whole month, she has shown me life in just one month. I cant wait to see what she shows me in 18 years.... 18 years.... plus.
I love you Ava.