I was sitting here at my work desk trying to decide what I wanted to write in my journal. Well after thinking about it for half a day. I decided I need to write about my relationship.
The past few months have not been easy for me and my mate. We have had some of the most knock down dragged out fights and arguments you can imagine. I know that we are both to blame even though he tried and pin it all on me, but as a woman I can't accept that and sometimes I wish that men would try and take responsibility when a relationship falters; because it takes two to tangle. I had the most revalating breakthrough yesterday about myself, which help me too understand my mates point of view about me, and I wasn't mad at me or him for the observation. I was overjoyed. As I was talking too my daughter about her younger brother, my second oldest I made a comment about one of his characteristics and as I made the comment I can to realized I was describing myself. Of course after I hung up the phone I kinda of choked up realizing the obvious fact that my mate was trying to get me too recognize after all these months; then the tears started to flow. I got up for my desk and went into the bathroom to collect myself. I than picked up my cell phone went back into the bathroom to call my mate too tell him how sorry I was and that yes I do let my emotions get the best of me. He said he accepted the apology and we just let the silence have a moment to clear the air for both of us.
I realized then that I had the breakthrough we both needed and he also had a breakthrough because then he was able to start realizing some of his own downfalls, so when I got home last night, he gave me a brief smile and I too him; which I haven't seen in either one of us for weeks! As the night went on we were alone with the exception of our son, my two older children went to a concert. The night went on with very little conversation between us a spoken word here and there, we have been sleeping in separate rooms for two months now. I was sitting at my computer and he was sitting at his, as the night wore on he got off his computer and I was starting to wind down because it was starting to get late. He asked me was I ready to go too be and I said yes, as I walked over to where he was I think we both wanted to embrace each other we just didn't know how, so I proceeded in doing what I was doing and then he got up and turn off the t.v. in the livingroom and went too our bedroom. There was one moment in time then that I wanted to follow him into the bedroom to make love, but I just couldn't. My body wanted too but my heart is still not sure. I know I would have love too being that we have not had sex in almost three months. Yeah! A long time I know.
He asked me today, after I told him how I felt last night about wanting to have sex with him, he then wanted to know where are relationship was going. I told him too just lets take it one day at a time, because this way neither one of us would get our hopes up high or get hurt again. So I now ask myself "What decision will we make"?