I NEVER thought I would get a tattoo... I also NEVER thought I'd lose a baby... 

Over the past few months, I have developed a deep desire to bring Noah Joel's life to "life" through me - through getting a permanent mark on my body (the same body that he grew in for 9 ½ weeks) to acknowledge that he was here.  He was a living human being who did not enter our family the traditional way.  He was here - and then he was gone - that quickly...although his life was short lived, the pain is real.  The pain of the loss of the child that I knew and experienced only the way a mother-to-be can experience - he was there - right below my heart for almost 10 weeks, and I KNEW him.  I anticipated his arrival as I did my daughter's almost 5 years ago.  He would be our second child, Caitlin's baby brother and someone else at home to love on.  We all were so excited and then, in an instant, that excitement turned to horror and deep sadness.  I know that Noah is in a better place - heaven - with Our Lord - but I miss him all the same.  I know he is being well taken care of, but I wanted to care for this child.  I know that if he was sick, he now feels no pain - this is something I am thankful for.  All in all, I am grateful that God picked me to be Noah's mom. 

I designed my tattoo and went to a reputable place to get it.  I was not sure how it would be or how it would look or what people I would encounter there, but I was excited - in a nervous, anxious, sad, scared, happy, crazy sort of way.  Although no one ever asked me what this tattoo was symbolizing, I KNEW, and that was all that really mattered.  I listened to my Zune and tried to tune out the pain.  I'm not sure I ever really tuned it out, but as I sat in a strange position in a strange tattoo chair with my lower back getting needled to death, I had an overwhelming feeling and thought that this was my "birthing experience" with Noah.  Our due date of October 24^th would have been - but it was not to be.  God had other plans for our baby and I never will be able to "have" Noah.  So, my tattoo experience was PAINFUL and memorable all in loving memory of Noah Joel (rest; peace and The Lord is God). 

You will never be forgotten, sweet boy. 

Love you,

Mommy

This was the cell phone picture the tattoo artist took of it a few minutes after he finished.  I have yet to get a better one (it's only been 4 days since I got it and oh, man, it is itching like crazy!)

Tags: tattoo, legacy, baby, angel

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