Mixed Emotions

[tat2edmommyof2]

So at 7 o'clock this morning I dropped my girls off at pre school... I introduced the girls to their teachers, big southern women that COULD NOT have been any sweeter, handed over their carefully packed lunches and bookbags full of school supplies, and blew my babies kisses... When I did  so I got an over the shoulder smooch and a bye as Lily drew on the chalkboard with the other 2 girls that were there early, and a bye mama from Shi as she sat on "Grammy" 's (her teacher) lap and played with a figurine off the desk.

I knew it was going to be like this, it's been like this every time I've dropped them off anywhere. There was just something in seeing my girls, my babies marching off bookbags on backs, lunchboxes in hand without a backward glance. I don't what it was but my stomach turned over and I had to stop myself from crying.

When Shi turned a year old I cried almost the entire day, I was depressed and there was a huge lump in my throat. My ex had left 7 months before and at that point I was sure I was going to be single and live the mommy/bachelorette life with my girlfriend/roomate. I knew I was't going to have anymore babies and that's I think what caused that first birthday to be so hard for me...

Now almost 2 years later I am in a healthy stable relationship with a man I love more than anything except  maybe my kids. My girls call him Daddy and he is in every way practically perfect, we're coming up on our one year together. We live together and plan on getting married as soon as it's legal to do so (i still have'nt legally divorced my ex) and have discussed having another child, just not right now. We're still too unstable financially, and would really like to wait until we're married. 

Right now, I'm sooooo pining for the flutters in my belly and the kicks in the ribs. I want to wake up and sit in the rocker and nurse my little peanut in the middle of the night and I want the teeny tiny diapers, clothes and booties in the closet. I've soooooo got a case of the baby needs it's assinine . Mind you, I'm not sure I want to have another child. I have REALLY horrible pregnancies, with bedrest and vomiting and premature labor and delivery.  My Shi is  a mommas girl, I mean most times at home she is attached to my hip, she still curls up in my lap and lays her head on my chest, she comes running screaming Mommy on the top of her lungs when I get home from work. I don't know if she could handle having another sibling, and I don't if I want to infringe upon her my mommy time. Lily is a daddy's girl thru and thru, most times she could care less where I am so I'm really not all that concerned about her reaction. Besides she keeps saying that mommy and daddy are going to bring her another baby sister.

That's my other concern... I've only ever had girls. I know it's genetically up to the guy to determine what you're having but I'm 3 for 3 (if you don't know please don't ask). I don't know if I'd want to have a boy at this point. I know he'd probably not mind a little man, and any time we've talked about he uses the terms he his and him. Am I  a terrible person for feeling that I'd reallly just want another girl...? I mean really I'd be happy with any baby as long as its healthy but I'd have my heart set on another girl.

Right now I'm just totally confused and have completly conflicting emotions, I had a miscarriage at the end of June and I'm sure that's adding to everything. It's making my stomach churn and the thoughts running thru my head still make want to cry...I guess I just need some reassurance that my feelings are normal... that this baby need is going to pass... that i'll stop waking up from dreams of itty bitty babies crying...

[ShellPapadop]

Aug. 17, 2008 at 10:40 AM

Awe, I am glad they went off without any problems and mama I would have balled my eyes out in the car!  I'm glad your happy - you deserve it!!!