Another year.....another journey

[quirkyk]

A year ago this week was the worst week of my 30 year old life.  It was the week that I lost my grandmother- the one person in my life that [I felt] loved me unconditionally.  She was so proud of me and always made me feel beautiful and worthy.  God, I miss her so much.  The weird part is that I wish I could go back to that week because although it was horrible, it was also beautiful in a way.  I know that probably sounds really weird, but during that week I was able to drop everything in my life without feeling any guilt to spend her last moments with her.  During that week, my family and I put aside any and all "issues" and centered our attention on our Mimi.  During that week, I was able to tell her exactly how I felt about her, how much she meant to me, and how wonderful my life had been because she was in it.  During that week, I was able to hear her say she loved me for the last time, feel her soft, wrinkled hand on mine, and tell her goodbye as she took her last, horrifying breath.  She had a heart attack on a Friday.  That Monday they told us she only had 48 hours to live.  She died on Thursday, we buried her on Saturday, and I started a new school year on Monday [I'm a teacher].  What a whirlwind.  I don't think I had the time to really digest what had happened.  That came several weeks, months later.  In fact, I'm still digesting at times- like right now.  I can't believe it's been a year.  I do feel a little guilty because I've gone on with my life as if she were never here.  I know that's what she'd want because she would never want me to dwell on anything that causes me pain, but I can't help but feel a little disloyal by leaving her behind.  I am better though.  I feel like I'm finally dealing with it in a more positive way.  I can talk about her most of the time without crying, and I have finally gotten to the point that I'm grateful that I had her in my life instead of resenting the fact that she's gone.  I know what a blessing she was.

Tomorrow I will begin a new school year, a new challenge.  This school year will have its own difficulties and its own miracles, I'm sure.  It already holds a million changes for me as my closest friend has left along with other friends of mine.  A lot of my students will be gone, so I will be getting to know new staff and new students.  In all this, I am trying hard to maintain a positive attitude.  I love what I do, and I'm not going to let a handful of negative people change that.  It will be different, but I will adjust and probably even get stronger from it.  Now that I have some distance from Mimi's death, maybe I can use her strength to help me get through this year. 

As far as myself- I'm going to begin eating healthier, exercising more, and I even joined a yoga group that helps me feel more centered and less stressed.  I know these positive changes will definitely contribute to my overall "positive" makeover.  Even though I know I will most certainly have set backs, I will try to stay on the positive path (with some help from my CM friends, no doubt).  Thank you to all my CM friends (especially June, Bev, and Alohawine) for your advice and your listening ears.  I love you, and I appreciate your friendship more than you know. :)

[AlohaWahine]

Aug. 18, 2008 at 6:32 PM

I'm glad you had a precious week with your Mimi. Just remember she will always be in your heart. Everything you learned from her will be instilled in you. You never forget them because there will be times when you will be just like her. It'll be those "Awe moments" that reminds you she's always there. It's a gentle hug that lets you know she's with you always. Sending prayers your way to mend your heart.

Positive vibes to you as you start a new school year. Today, we went to Keith's pre-school and I got pretty sad inside that my baby is growing up so quick. He'll do just fine. He starts Wednesday.

Just remember I'm always here for you. Thank you for mentioning me in this journal. You picked up my spirits. Love ya !

[JuneC]

Aug. 19, 2008 at 7:51 PM

You are doing great!! You just have to remember all the good times you had with her, and it is OK to be sad sometimes. You will do wonderful at work!!!! Just spread your postivie attitude around the school and don't worry about the rest of the negative Nellys. :) I will miss you lots but I will email you everyday and call you. It will be hard not seeing you everyday. :(

[bev412]

Aug. 20, 2008 at 9:31 PM

You have such a beautiful memory of your Mimi and that wonderful. She will always be with you and I know she is smiling down at the beautiful and wonderful person you are.

I am right there with you as the new school year begins. Gosh, I feel like you are describing my situation and my school. I am here, always, to lend a listening ear. Good vibes to you honey.

Thank you for being such a wonderful friend. Now only if we could meet up someday. :)