For My Birthday...

[Kelda]

I'm sure I'll get my period. Why, you ask? Well, because its late. Pretty damn late. And because $100 worth of pregnancy tests over the course of a week have all read negative, I can only assume that I am not pregnant.

This is just one way my body likes to torture me. You see, my body loves to sync up with important events. It will wait to bleed so it can have the maximum devistating effect. Father's and Mother's day, Dh's birthday, Valentine's Day, Christmas, Easter, and the list goes on. Every time that you'd love to share the news that you are finally pregnant, I bleed. Every time I sit waiting a day or two late, hoping and praying that this is "the cycle" and I get to announce it like a real gift, I my uterus mocks me.

So, yesterday, Dh asks how late I am. Oh, pretty late, I say vaguely. He knows I bought tampons over a week ago because my PMS was telling me it was time. He knows I'm not using them because he keeps getting in that last go before sex is off-limits for a week.

He asks if I tested. Like he hasn't seen the drawer full negative tests. Like I'm holding out the news I'm pregnant from him. We both know I can't keep a secret. I get too excited.

I told him that the "test" (haha, like I just took one test) is negative. He, being a worrier, asks if I need to go to the doctor. I told him I would if it didn't come soon.

Later that day, he reminded my birthday is on Wednesday. I didn't realize it was that close. Then it hit me... of course, that's the day I'll get my period! Crushing defeat will come on my special day. That way, I won't have any birthday sex. That way, I'll cramp up storm, feel blah and have to pretend infertility doesn't bother me when I'm talking to my family and eating cake with the in-laws.

Naturally, my reproductive system finds the opportune time to smack me up-side the head. Silly me to forget. I can only imagine this is what's going on.

I've been waiting far too long. I can't think of any stressors I've had lately. Actually, its been quite the opposite. August has proven to be the month where things are rather calm. Up until my period was due, I wasn't particularly stressed. Not anymore than usual.

After a few days of being late, I decided to think bloody thoughts. I decided to make peace with negative tests. I gave my body permission to move on. I gave my mind permission to move on. I was okay with whatever would come.

A couple days pass and nothing. Even PMS was gone. Maybe I was wrong about ovulation. No biggie. I adjust my chart. Still makes me late. Adjust more so I'm not late. I wait, nothing happens. I inspect my toilet paper for blood over the next few days. Nothing.

Okay, whatever. I can deal. Still, trying not to stress myself out of bleeding or fool myself into believing I'm pregnant. All my symptoms can be explained away... heartburn from pizza and subs. Tiredness from work. Surprise tears from aching for a baby, since I see them all the time. Hunger from emotions. Bleeding gums, I need to see the dentist. Annoyance from being tired and in need of R&R.  Urge to clean everything because I want to relax and not think about it. Insomia and restless sleep, well, I still haven't figured that one out. Maybe its my mattress.

It's funny because I really want to move on. I really want my period to come, even if its on my birthday. I've even taking to meditating now to help my body get its groove back, in case that's the hold up.  Maybe I didn't ovulate, maybe I have a cyst, maybe there are too many maybes...

I think back to my other pregnancies. The first, I can't remember testing, maybe I did. Honestly, I remember I didn't have period for two months and then went to the doctor because I knew I was preggers. It was twins. The second, I tested when my ex realized I was late. Both times were cake.

Now, I have no clue... I know too much. I know there is more than one reason to miss a period. I wish for ignorance sometimes... ugh.

Bleed, damn it!

[liketherain2003]

Aug. 18, 2008 at 11:53 AM

well i wish you the best..and know that you are in my prayers..plz keep us informed about how you are and whats going on with you and the preg. tests

[QuietDepression]

Aug. 18, 2008 at 12:03 PM

*hugs Kelda*..

I feel your pain. Literally. I am sending you that baby dust stuff Ive seen on ttc boards...