I have never been as close to my mom as I would have liked.  This is because my grandmother raised me thinking that my mom was my sister until I was in 4th grade, when they told me the truth.  She did that to protect my mom who had me out of wedlock at the age of 19.  She was in college when she got pregnant, but never went back.  There is a lot more to this story. But the main thing is that my relationship with her has always been strained. No matter how much I have tried for that not to be the case it just is.

Now that I am back home, it is strarting to get to the both of us I think. We are a lot alike, at least in terns of personality, but also very different. Two people too much like each other will almost always have trouble living together, I think. 

My son and I are living with her.  We are in her space, no matter what you call it.  She has been alone for the past 5 years since my other aunt moved out.  Now she has me and a 4 year old in her space. I can not imagine how difficult that must feel.  Although she has tried her hardest to make us both comfortable, even down to giving me her bed to sleep in, I am not comfortable.  Yes, for all intents and purposes, I am home.  That's why I came. But, bless the Lord, I need my own space!  See, I left home at 14 to go to boarding school.  I have not lived back at home since then for more than 6-7 months. So I don't know how to live with her.  She has ways that drive me crazy and I am trying to adapt and deal but it is tough.

She is dealing with a lot. She has been in a serious mood for about a week now and it is taking a toll on me.  We walk around the house not really talking, small questions, but no real conversation.  She does lots of huffing and puffing, and I have caught her crying a couple of times. I have asked her what is wrong and she refuses to tell me by ignoring the question, waiting until I leave the room. I don't know if she is still angry about the argument we had last week or not.  But we talked about it and she is still acting like there is a problem.  She is also concerned (I guess) about the fact that she has not met my boyfriend.  I asked her if she wanted to this weekend, but since she wasn't fully dressed and was busy, she said no. She is concerned that I this will be a repeat of my STBX.I don't know what to do.

She is looking for a job because she quit hers at the beginning of the summer. Therefore, she is worried about money.  She has to have surgery to remove a polyup on her colon. Then I am in the house making her life somewhat different. Difficult, I don't know. I don't clean every minute like she does and I guess that bothers her. I am working on stuff for my new job, trying to exercise and eat right, take care of my son, and about to start my doctorate program again.  Cleaning for me is on an as-needed basis.

I have already applied for some subsidized housing. I am half hoping that something comes through by the end of the year. I could save as much money as I can over this school year and then try to buy a condo/house if the creditors are on my side even then.  But I think my sanity and level of comfort is important too.  I don't want to be an inconvenience to anyone, even if they say I am not, I am! 

I love my mom.  I don't want my being here to cause a rift in the little bit of a relationship that we have now.  I don't feel like there is anything I can do except pray. But it is really bugging me.  I am so full of hope for my own situation. I want her to be as well for herself. I wish I could make her understand where I'm coming from.

Tags: mom, moods, roommates

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