I absolutely agree with you.  Maybe taking the SS to the shop was worth it.  Can you do that every night and have him do his homework there?  I don't know how step families work but I would think problems with kids need the bio parent involved pretty consistently.  Sounds like you feel left alone to deal with it and it doesn't seem fair.  I guess you have told him how important it is for him to be there every night?  If SS behaves better, you can step in.  Maybe SS resents him not coming home to.  Can you talk about that with SS?  Do you have to stand by when he does his homework?  Can he just do it and when he's done you check it?  Then, you could go get an ice cream or watch a DVD as a positive thing for both of you.  Just thinking about what I might try if I were in your shoes.

manna1qd Aug. 19, 2008 at 7:35 PM

I agree with you! I still say let him not do his homework! But I know you can't do that. That will start another fight. Talk to your husband and let him know what's going on and how you feel.

StarFire Aug. 19, 2008 at 7:49 PM

DH says he cant have SS with him at the shop. I think the reason DH spends so much time at the shop is to get away from SS. SS is  a VERY VERY VERY hard child to raise. His mom didnt want to deal with him anymore so we got him full time. I just feel I got a crappy deal here. I pay all  the bills, I deal with the kid and I get shit. Its really really really frustrating and I am about to call this marriage off...Its not working. I am tired of being the only adult here. Thanks for the advise.

naomi42807 Aug. 19, 2008 at 8:17 PM

Sorry you are going through this!!!! Here for you!!! HUGS!!!

momofsixangels Aug. 19, 2008 at 8:37 PM

 If this was your biological child would you feel that way? And what if he said the same thing about your children how would you feel? I am not judging you or trying to be mean in away. I too am a step parent and I feel like when I married my husband I knew what I was getting into. That child is as much of mine as my biological children are. She is MY PROBLEM as well not just her father's. I just don't understand it when people think because they didn't give birth to them then they aren't their problem. When you married his father you  got him too.  My SD doesn't live with me but if she did I still wouldn't feel that way about her no matter what. She irritates me as much as her brothers do (her brothers are my mine biologically) but so what.  I pay all the bills, cook clean, deal with the kids etc... My husband works his ass off for us. That's just how it happens. Moms have to deal with more shit than dads. It happens regardless of SC or not..

Is it SS you are mad at or  is your frustration with DH?  Cause it sounds to me like it might be more with DH and you are taking it out on SS. I mean I understand any child can be frustrating and step children can push our limits more because some have a problem with the parent being married to someone else BUT it still sounds like you have more resentment for your DH. I think you all would benefit from sitting down and having a long discussion about things but that's jmo. Goodluck.

Alustriel Aug. 19, 2008 at 9:23 PM

Im frustrated with both and if my children treated me and talked to me the way my SS does they would not be able to sit for weeks. My children would never dream of treating me or any adult for that matter like he does.

naomi42807 Aug. 19, 2008 at 9:36 PM

  So why do you allow him to treat you that way? I know you feel like you have limits because he isn't biologically yours BUT he is in your house. He is under your roof. I made it clear to my SD I wouldn't treat her any different than I did my two and that included punishment. That I loved her like my own and I would treat her as so..... in ALL areas. Maybe you need to set that straight with your  SS.  I'm not in your house and honestly I'm not trying to judge just trying to help. Maybe he needs that firm hand or that firm talking to.My children tell me everyday how mean I am because they aren't allowed to do things and how they don't like me....lol. But they get over it.  Instead of calling his father when you have a problem with him maybe you need to deal with it your way. Let your husband know that you will treat him as your own in all areas. I don't know but worth a shot.  I mean if you are going to be left to put up with it then deal with it your way. Stop worrying about the fact he isn't biologically yours. 
  When I told my SD i would treat her the same way in all areas (she was 11 at the time) she said thank you. I hope you do. She has never had any problems with it but I was honest with her from the beginning. Before she left our lives I had told her I would treat her as my own. I always have. I would protect her just like I do mine. I would fight for her just like I do mine.  She was out of our life for like 5 years  because of her mother but that's another story.

Maybe your SS feels your resentment, maybe he feels like an outcast and he wants attention so he gets it anyway he can. I mean you said your self his own mother didn't want to deal with him so you got him. You also said that you think his dad spends so much time at the shop so he doesn't have to deal with him. Imagine how that makes him feel. I'm sure he picks up on it and that has to hurt.  Put yourself in his shoes... maybe he just needs to feel loved. Maybe next time when he gets like that instead of fighting with him and arguing with him you could give him a hug and tell him you know he's having a difficult time but you love him anyway and you just want him to succeed and so he needs to do his homework. Hug him love him give him kisses when he acts that way you might be surprised by his reaction. Who knows it's worth a shot.

Alustriel Aug. 20, 2008 at 12:12 AM

I understand how frustrating this can be but I also agree with the poster before me. Totally.  You are probably feeling that you cann't do anything because he is not your child but in a sense he is.  His mother didn't want him around and he is probably really upset about that.  His dad ignores him and that too upsets him.  Also, maybe SS needs some therapy. idk just a thought but it also sounds like you need to put your foot down and set some rules, guidelines and some expectations.

You probably have done this but sit down with the whole family.  First sit down with hubby and explain how you feel and the changes you would like to make and then sit down all five of you together and set the rules and the punishments.  Have your children there too so SS doesn't think he is being picked on.

Good luck and I hope things get better soon.

TinkerMoms Aug. 20, 2008 at 6:39 AM

All I have to say is I tried all of that stuff. He is just a very disturbed child. The therapist even said so. He is violent too and has stabbed his stepbrother on his moms side. The therapist is even willing on seeing SS for free or a major discount because she see's the urgency here. She has already said he has the trait of a serial killer. DH has not made an appt to see the therapist in months. DH talked to SS last night and SS even admited he doesnt treat his step father the way he treats me. His step dad is far meaner and stricter then I am. I told DH last night that he and SS had to leave but he begged me to try and work things out. He MADE SS apologize to me but SS only did it because DH made him. It wasnt even a genuine sorry. It was I am made to do this sorry. Anyways DH admited last night that I need help with SS. He is thinking of puting him in afternoon program or dealing with homework when he gets home. SS does not know how much I do for him. No matter what I do its not enough and he is so ungrateful. That makes me even angrier. I dont have a job nor have I in 14 years and I do everything I can to feed,clothe,ect this child and whatever I do is not enough or good enough for him. My kids will say thank you in front of him and he just glares and me and gives me dirty looks. All I can say is that I am fed up with the way I get treated. I am not the only one that see's this.

naomi42807 Aug. 20, 2008 at 10:35 AM

  Well I tried...lol. I'm sorry you are going through this ,really I am. maybe you guys need to consider putting him in a home of some sort so he can get round the clock help. I don't know. I will keep you in my thoughts. I hope you guys find away for things to work. Goodluck.

Alustriel Aug. 20, 2008 at 4:04 PM