honeydew and lung cookies

[bloodstone]

     I went out job hunting today.  My father chauffered myself, my son, and my two sisters to the "big time companies" with high hopes of employment.  I am keeping my fingers crossed about getting a job soon.  I am so tired of living with my father and having him treat me like a teenager.  I want to live on my own and have my own car!  But with how bad the economy is, I don't think I could ever afford it.

     I have been going to the career center in my city.  I have been considering applying for a grant from the government.  I want to go to trade school to get a degree of some kind... but I don't know what the heck I want to do.  I DO know I don't want to go to college.  I want a trade school so I only have to do schooling for 2 years at most.

     Luke and I have been "seriously dating" for a month now.  It seems like we've been dating forever in my mind.  In previous conversations, Luke has told me that his last relationship was when he was 15 years old and lasted (off-and-on) for about 2 years.  It makes me squeamish knowing that, but it also helps me understand why he acts so unexperienced around me.  And for some dang reason, it makes me feel like I have been challenged to some game.  It is as if I want to make him experience what a good relationship can be!  Saying that makes me feel like a demi-god.  Ha.

     Though I want our relationship to go on longer, I have been noticing some things that I am starting to loathe.  From the very first moment we spoke to each other, he has exaggerated on the simplest of topics... even lied to me.  It is getting to a point where I don't know what to believe that comes out of his mouth.  It makes me feel horrible to admit that I cannot believe my own boyfriend. 

     I think his exaggerations have something to do with the friends he has.  Luke is almost 30 years old and hangs out with 17-20 year olds.  I think he exaggerates on things, to try and impress his friends.  And for some reason, he feels he has to lie to me to get in my favor?  Does he not notice that I am NOT stupid?  I can detect a lie very quickly.  It makes me mad when he lies to me!  If I wasn't impressed with him when I met him, I would not of said yes! 

     When I questioned his admiration of hanging with such a young group of "kids", he responded with this, "I like to hang out with them because at the end of the night, it makes me feel good about my I.Q."  Now what the heck kind of answer is that?  What does that say about HIS intelligence?  He has to hang out with minors to give himself an ego boost.  While when he hangs out with MY crowd, he is quiet and obviously uncomfortable.  Maybe he fears my group won't tolerate his bullcrap?  He is also so engulfed in rumors and drama that he thrives over it!  It drives me nuts.

     Luke lacks the motivation to come over and see me lately.  He expects me to take my father's car and see him.  He plays mindgames with me over the phone, saying that I don't "love him anymore" and if I did, I would come see him.  But when I get all defensive about the "L" word, he tells me he was joking.  He is so sarcastic (as am I), that most the time I am annoyed with him.  I think he likes arguiing with me.

     My biggest dilemma is our sex life.  I have NEVER had an orgasm with this man/boy!  Now I am not saying that sex is everything, but it is important to me.  I am the type of fiery redheaded woman, that I have to get an orgasm atleast once a week, or I will start throwing things at people.  And every friend of mine knows this.  Luke has explained that he has wanted to give me oral sex, but since one of his nerves (from a missing tooth) is exposed, he is reluctant to trying.  At first I was okay with this, but now (having witnessed his many oral ramblings that he does) I want him to prove it!  I want him to get me off!  I am tired of using my vibrator.  I want a real man, dangit!  Someone to take charge and not have me do all the work, while I get nothing in return!  I feel like I am having sex with a dead guy!  Luke also has arthritis in his knees from being in the Marines... so that explains why I am always on top.  I am so frustrated I cannot take it anymore!  I went to a party the other night, by myself, and I had 3 guys hit on me!  Do you know how difficult it was to turn all 3 of them down?  I ended up having to go home so I could release the tension.  And the following night, there was another party... and yet another guy pursuiing me!  BLAH!!!  Why do I have to be so faithful?!

     Sometimes I find myself wanting to break up with him.  Then again, it's over things that I am sure can be talked about.  But why should I accept another challenge and try to change another guy?  It's almost not worth the effort anymore.  I think we would be better off being just friends...  It's just something is drawing me to him!  I have never known anyone like him before, and I KNOW it's NOT love!  Maybe it is the whole co-dependency thing?  The fear of being alone on those dark nights when my son is at his daddy's..  I hate being a woman!!!

[celtcfaery]

Aug. 21, 2008 at 5:44 AM

My ex husband was a lot like him.  A liar.  My father called it before I even realized it, but of course I didn't listen to him because I was so in looooove.  Well, three years later, it got old, he was lazy and didn't want to work and would lie about the reasons and make up elaborate stories about how each job was screwing him.  It didn't work for me, so I left.