When I found out I was pregnant with my second child, I had the immediate feeling that I was going to have a girl and that scared me.  How do I raise a little girl?  What if I turn her into me?  I don't want my daughter to grow up having the same problems that I had.  When I found out I was in fact having a girl, my stomach just dropped and the fear took over.

I wasn't always this way.  When I was in elementary school, I had a lot of friends.  I went to and had a lot of sleepovers.  I had straight A's, I was well liked by my teachers, and I even entered and won many math competitions.  I was shy... I was quiet... I didn't like being called on in class... but I handled it well.  Then I entered junior high, and unfortunately, a group of boys took it upon themselves to torment me everyday that I was at school.  They had a ringleader and if he happened to be absent, they made sure I didn't get away without them taking over for him.

My first relationship was absolutely horrible...the only positive part was my son.  My ex was abusive...mentally and emotionally.  If we got into an argument, he'd threaten to kill himself.  If I did something wrong, I was "stupid," and "idiot," or whatever else he decided to call me that day.  Anything I did that was positive, he had done better...I was always made to feel insignificant.  He'd throw things at walls, hit the walls, he ripped the phone out of the wall so I couldn't call anyone.  A few months before I left, he started to threaten to hit me.  I decided I'd had enough and I didn't want my son to grow up in that environment, so I took him and we left.  My self-esteem and self-image took a very hard blow during those two years.

Now, I'm married...I like to say happily, but I'm not happy.  My husband is a fantastic man, wonderful father, exactly the type of person anyone would want to be married to.  When he says he loves me, I know he's being honest...but I always wonder why.  Why does he love me?  I ask him all the time and he tells me because of who I am.  Who am I?  I don't even know who I am anymore.  He tells me all the time that I'm beautiful...and I don't believe him.  Why would he think I'm beautiful?  I'm not.  I'm overweight..."obese" is what they put on my charts... he's athletic.  How did an obese woman end up married to an athletic man?  What does he see that I can't see?  Why can't I see it?  I would love to lose weight...but I think I don't because I don't believe I deserve to.  Why should I be happy?  Why should I allow myself to wear something smaller than a size 26?  My husband tells me that it's my decision... he loves me no matter what... and I doubt him.

So how do I take all of that and turn it completely 180 so that my daughter goes in a different direction?  How do I show her how to love herself?  How do I instill in her that she's beautiful?  She's 9 months old now and I still don't know what to do.  How do I keep her from doubting herself?  How do I show her how to be confident when I lack it altogether?

Who am I?  I'm the woman who is quiet in the office and never comes out to say hello unless you say hello first.  I'm the woman who wishes you'd ask her to have lunch with your group, but knows she'd say no because she's terrified of what you'd think of her.  I'm the woman who can't drive through a fast-food drive-through or volunteer for my son's school because I don't want the Mom's to think negatively of me.  I don't offer suggestions at work because I'm too afraid.

I have social phobia.... and I don't know how to move past it and give my children a better life... and give myself the better life that I deserve.

Tags: self-esteem

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