I am in such a state of disappointment right now that I could really scream. My mate and I have been through a lot in this past year and it at one point got so bad that our relationship has come to an end numerous times. We are really trying to work it out and for the betterment of our child. What I am about to say really has nothing to do with the love that I know we feel for each other, it's just all the frustration we have been through in this past year alone. I for whatever reason last night wanted to have sex with my man which of course is not uncommon in a relationship, but with all that we've been through right now seem like an impossible task. It seems like maybe he wanted it as well, but I could also see that he was a little hesitant and I felt like he was being forced. Even before we decided to perform the act I asked him is he sure he wanted to do this, of course he said "yes". All the time while we were being intimate with each other. I could tell he really wasn't in the mood, and of course after awhile he had to stop. I then asked him was everything okay and he said "yes". I then proceeded in saying to him that if he didn't want to do this why didn't he just say so. I must say it didn't go over well, because then he went on to say that he already knew this was going to start a negative reaction on my part in thinking that maybe he doesn't love me anymore, or that he doesn't find be attractive or maybe there is someone else, and I expressed to him that no I don't feel any of those things because I know with all of the stress that we been through in this relationship that it had a big bearing on our sexual relationship and that I totally understood and I even went as far as apologizing to him for suggesting it in the first place. Of course he found something wrong with that, because he felt that I had nothing to apologize for and that it was all on him. This morning he calls me up at work and proceeds to tell me that again what happened last night had nothing to do with us it is all on him. He starts off by telling me that it's hard for him to perform because with all of the drinking that he does, the stress of our relationship and the fact that he is trying to not drink doing the week; yesterday being his first day and it all took a toll, okay I totally understand this, but this is not the first time we been here, and for the likes of me he just doesn't seem to want and make it better. Him and I are not getting any younger, he will be hitting 50 in a very short period of time and I have mentioned to him before that with the amount of drinking that he is doing and he already knows this that it is just really putting a bad effect on his health. I also mentioned to him that you could probably get away with all the drinking if you was still in your 20s or 30s but approaching 50 it's not a good idea and how he really needs to slow it down. I have mentioned to him that I am there for him in every way, and he knows this, but I can only do so much. I have always been attracted to him, from the first day I actually went out with him. I have known and been with him for 15-years and I feel like I am just dealing with him for the first time, the love has always been there and would probably continue to be for a very long time, but the patient is wearing thin, my heart tells me to hang in there you know he is a good man, but my mind tells me to just let it go, you are not getting any younger and you have needs as a woman. I always been a desirous woman and always enjoyed sex to the fullest and enjoy the pleasure that my man has always given me and vice versus, but what do I do at this point when it's just not there. I have never been a woman to cheat and never would, but I am only human and I know my heart. I would hold on, just for the sake of not wanting to be the bad guy, but there will be a time that my heart would just let go and I know that the feelings right along with it, but I don't want it to happen and I am really fighting against it, but I need him to try and make his end okay. He knows what he has to do too make his self better, but as I told him he is the only one who can take that step for him and that he has my full support. I just don't know how long I will still be able to have the desire to still want to be with him and I have never been one to fake it. I just can't live my life in being false with my mate, because if I still don't have it for him I just won't be able to give it to him. I have given it to God and I do hope that one day he would just get it together, if not for us then maybe for the next person that comes into his life, because I can't guarantee that I could always be there for him, but I am going to try and best and hang in there, we just never know what the future has in store for us down the line. I am just do disappointed in his will of not trying and just giving up he has always been like this and I honestly just don't see a change in him, he keeps telling me he wants this relationship but it still looks to me like he wants me to do the work alone and not in both of us doing the work together to keep this relationship together. I just don't know. I guess I just have to let nature run it's course and decide when the time comes. I am just so disappointed!
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