I am in such a state of disappointment right now that I could really scream. My mate and I have been through a lot in this past year and it at one point got so bad that our relationship has come to an end numerous times. We are really trying to work it out and for the betterment of our child. What I am about to say really has nothing to do with the love that I know we feel for each other, it's just all the frustration we have been through in this past year alone. I for whatever reason last night wanted to have sex with my man which of course is not uncommon in a relationship, but with all that we've been through right now seem like an impossible task. It seems like maybe he wanted it as well, but I could also see that he was a little hesitant and I felt like he was being forced. Even before we decided to perform the act I asked him is he sure he wanted to do this, of course he said "yes". All the time while we were being intimate with each other. I could tell he really wasn't in the mood, and of course after awhile he had to stop. I then asked him was everything okay and he said "yes". I then proceeded in saying to him that if he didn't want to do this why didn't he just say so. I must say it didn't go over well, because then he went on to say that he already knew this was going to start a negative reaction on my part in thinking that maybe he doesn't love me anymore, or that he doesn't find be attractive or maybe there is someone else, and I expressed to him that no I don't feel any of those things because I know with all of the stress that we been through in this relationship that it had a big bearing on our sexual relationship and that I totally understood and I even went as far as apologizing to him for suggesting it in the first place. Of course he found something wrong with that, because he felt that I had nothing to apologize for and that it was all on him. This morning he calls me up at work and proceeds to tell me that again what happened last night had nothing to do with us it is all on him. He starts off by telling me that it's hard for him to perform because with all of the drinking that he does, the stress of our relationship and the fact that he is trying to not drink doing the week; yesterday being his first day and it all took a toll, okay I totally understand this, but this is not the first time we been here, and for the likes of me he just doesn't seem to want and make it better. Him and I are not getting any younger, he will be hitting 50 in a very short period of time and I have mentioned to him before that with the amount of drinking that he is doing and he already knows this that it is just really putting a bad effect on his health. I also mentioned to him that you could probably get away with all the drinking if you was still in your 20s or 30s but approaching 50 it's not a good idea and how he really needs to slow it down. I have mentioned to him that I am there for him in every way, and he knows this, but I can only do so much. I have always been attracted to him, from the first day I actually went out with him. I have known and been with him for 15-years and I feel like I am just dealing with him for the first time, the love has always been there and would probably continue to be for a very long time, but the patient is wearing thin, my heart tells me to hang in there you know he is a good man, but my mind tells me to just let it go, you are not getting any younger and you have needs as a woman. I always been a desirous woman and always enjoyed sex to the fullest and enjoy the pleasure that my man has always given me and vice versus, but what do I do at this point when it's just not there. I have never been a woman to cheat and never would, but I am only human and I know my heart. I would hold on, just for the sake of not wanting to be the bad guy, but there will be a time that my heart would just let go and I know that the feelings right along with it, but I don't want it to happen and I am really fighting against it, but I need him to try and make his end okay. He knows what he has to do too make his self better, but as I told him he is the only one who can take that step for him and that he has my full support. I just don't know how long I will still be able to have the desire to still want to be with him and I have never been one to fake it. I just can't live my life in being false with my mate, because if I still don't have it for him I just won't be able to give it to him. I have given it to God and I do hope that one day he would just get it together, if not for us then maybe for the next person that comes into his life, because I can't guarantee that I could always be there for him, but I am going to try and best and hang in there, we just never know what the future has in store for us down the line. I am just do disappointed in his will of not trying and just giving up he has always been like this and I honestly just don't see a change in him, he keeps telling me he wants this relationship but it still looks to me like he wants me to do the work alone and not in both of us doing the work together to keep this relationship together. I just don't know. I guess I just have to let nature run it's course and decide when the time comes. I am just so disappointed! 

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about...
Aug. 27, 2008 at 11:20 AM The first thing you need to do is rethink what intimacy means. You don't have to have sex to be intimate. If you find ways to show intimacy with him and that you are "safe" (and I am not talking std's I am talking emotionally) then the sex will come. He's been with you for 15 years but he's probably been emotionally attached to alcohol for a lot longer than that. His emotional tie to alcohol has been his safe house, the place he runs when everything else goes wrong. He is trying to shift that safe place to you and with alcoholism it is a never ending battle. Along with emotions there is a chemical dependence that can have some very jarring side effects. Usually when things get that unsettled in his life-he turns to the alcohol to solve it. Now it is the alcohol that is causing it and his world is being flipped upside down. You have to give him some time, leaving him now because sex is akward is probably not a good idea.

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PoohB...
Aug. 27, 2008 at 12:26 PM

Honey, I have to agree with the above comment!  Yes,  your right, he does need to stop the drinking but don't expect it overnight and then your relationship will be better, give it time and then follow your heart and do what YOU feel is right. Ok? Hugs and prayers always!

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pamzcj
Aug. 30, 2008 at 12:28 AM

First, Bless your heart.  When I started reading this I couldn't stop, I could have written this myself almost the exact same way.  I have starting praying about our situation and I have to trust in God that things will work out.  I made the mistake of meeting with an ex and having sex and the sex was great.  The terrible part is that I now have to live with this and seek God's forgivness.  I still want my husband though, even if he has days of not being able to get a full erection I want to be with him.  He won't even consider going to the doctors and I don't know what to do.  I hope he will stop drinking so much and lose some weight and that might help but in the mean time I am not getting any intimacy from my husband and after almost 12 years he still pulls back from being intimate.  He can preform the sexual act when things are erect but that intimate  factor is never there.  I'm a very passionate and loving person and I have let him know numerous times that I need more from him but the change only lasts a couple of days, then back to old dry toast.  I'm trying to hang in there too because I truly do love him.  I hope you let us know how things work out later.

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go-ge...
Aug. 30, 2008 at 5:50 PM

Sorry to read this and for what you are going through. The stress can make everything so difficult.

I agree he needs to get a handle on the drinking. Hope you both can get through your struggles and make it to the better times.

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merma...
Nov. 6, 2008 at 9:20 PM

Reading about your life above, reminds me of different times in my life.. I am 43 now and I have lived an amazinglilfe! Good and bad.. learning and evolving and growing with each step I take.  I can tell you from experience.. that you are dealing with an alcoholic.  I fell in love with one in my early 20's.. I had no clue about alcoholism and the pain it leaves in it's path.  We stayed together.. for 7 years.. and then on and off for 2 years afterward.. I enabled them.. until I couldn't anymore.. we had 2 beautiful children.. now 23 and 24.. but, they were damaged from their father's alcoholism.. and eventually his absence unfortunately.  It was a long and sometimes ugly road.  Addicts use their addictions (ie. drugs, alcohol, sex etc.) to fill the void or hole in their hearts and souls from something traumatic that has happened to them in their lives, most often from childhood.  I strongly urge you to suggest: Alcoholics Anonymous to your mate or ex-mate.  Unless he goes into treatment of somekind.. he will just slowly kill himself overtime.  Yes, it is possible for him to be a functioning alcoholic and work.. because there are many types of alcoholics.. but it still doesn't stop alcohol from being the most important thing in their lives.  They love.. they are sorry.. they want so much for their children.. but they have no control.. I am speaking from experience and from understanding where you are coming from.. because unfortunately.. I am all too familiar with the experience.. We were in our 20's when this happened.. so the sex was always fantastic when he was around..

When I was 23 yrs old, I realized through friends and family.. that enough was enough.. I still always loved my ex.. I still do.. but.. I could never deal with the alcoholism, nor would I let myself.  When I was 26, I met and married a really sweet guy, who had a great family and didn't have an alcoholism problem.. We stayed together for 6 years.. Had 2 beautiful kids, who are now 16 and 14 and I thought we would live happily ever after.. unfortunately.. He had ADD and had a problem with keeping a job.. I took care of everything the last year and half: the rent, food, utilities, daycare, etc.. I tried 2 marriage counselors, counseling tapes, talking to friends and family.. and he wouldn't talk about it.. and finally.. I fell out of love with him.. and couldn't respect him anymore because I was so stressed taking care of 5 kids.. instead of just the 4 that I gave birth to.. I fell in love with someone else.. but he lived in Sweden.. and it was too hard, too far away.. then I just dated for a couple years.. and had another 4 year relationship.. we bought a house together.. He was so intelligent and amazing.. but was an ex-alcoholic.. and often alcoholics.. quite alcohol.. but have other addictions.. or can't stay faithful.. and that was this gents problem.. So, I just raised my children and focused on work and my interests.. and dating here and there..

But, 4 years ago.. I met my husband.. a wonderful man.. with no drug or alcohol problems.. not addictions.. he was a divorcee with 2 kids.. and a loving father.. and a very romantic man.  He has his Ph.d from UCLA in English and we have alot in common.. His I.Q. is very high and he teaches me new things everyday.  He worships the ground I walk on and would never intentially hurt me or cheat on me.  I am lucky to have met him.. he is funny and smart.. and the father that my children needed (their father is unfortunately abscent from their lives).  He teaches teen boys all day.. so he knows how to listen and discipline fairly.. He has taught me so much about how to deal with teens and their attitudes.. But, one of the most important things that he has helped me see is that I am so worth the best in men.  I don't have to settle for things that are unacceptable in my life: morally or ethically.

But, then back to your main complaint.. it is a common for men in their mid 40's and past that, to not have the sexual stamina as they did in their 20's.. especially when their lives have alot of stress, if they have extra abdomen fat (which pulls on the lower back muscles, causing back pain) which is also bad for their hearts, and if their is any type of addiction.. that can also adversely affect the body.  I can hear your "pain" in your words when you speak of not having sex.. my husband works about 25 miles on the freeway from our home, teaches all day on his feet, and then has to drive back in traffic, has the 5 month "pregnant" stomach look, comes home, plays on his computer game, helps the kids with their homework and then stretches out on the bed and we have dinner.. and then he is usually out by 8:30pm.. leaving me alone and unsatisfied also.  We have discussed this problem at length with a marriage counselor and amongst ourselves.. and my hubby is trying to exercise and eat smaller portions, as well as get me to come to "bed" earlier.. because he wakes up at 5am each morning and needs his sleep.. I hope that helps our situation.. because I like you have a healthy libido, I love my hubby.. but I understand like you.. that we women have our needs! I will keep you in my prayers! I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone and I wish you all the best!!

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VIRGA...
Jan. 27, 2009 at 4:25 PM

I TOO CAN RELATE TO YOUR SITUATION; I'M PRETTY MUCH GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING. IT'S JUST THAT MY BOYFRIEND SNORTS COCAINE. HE TOLD ME THAT HE HAS BEEN DOING THIS SINCE THE AGE OF 16. BUT  WHEN HE FIRST TOLD ME ABOUT HIS HABIT IT WAS ABOUT A MONTH AND A HALF BEFORE OUR WEDDING. THAT SHOULD HAVE  BEEN A RED FLAG FOR ME THEN. BUT I REALLY DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE DRUG, OR IT WAS THAT I WAS SO IN LOVE WITH HIM; I JUST OVERLOOKED HIS HABIT. NOW I WISH THAT I WOULD HAVE LEFT HIM WHEN HE FIRST TOLD ME. I KNOW HE LOVES ME, AND I LOVE HIM TOO; IT'S JUST THAT WHEN I THINK ABOUT WHAT HE'S DOING I BECOME SO FRUSTRATED AND AGGRAVATED. I HAVE A HABIT ALSO, BUT MINE IS CANDY. AND HE TELLS ME THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE IN ME EATING CANDY AND HIM DOING COKE. BUT HE FAILS TO REALIZE THAT HE IS KILLING HIMSELF QUICKER THAN I AM. THE ONLY THING THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME IS THAT I AM GOING TO END UP WITH DENTURES IN MY MOUTH . I HAVE TALKED UNTIL I HAVE TURNED BLUE IN THE FACE, AND I'M AS  BLACK AS A BOX OF CHOCOLATE COVERED NUTS. (LOL). YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER, BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM DRINK IT. I FEEL SO SORRY FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU SEEM AS THOUGH YOU ARE A VERY SWEET PERSON. BUT MY MOTHER HAS ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT A MAN WILL ONLY DO TO YOU WHAT YOU ALLOW HIM TO DO. I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND DEARLY, BUT I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM ANYMORE. AND I THINK THAT I'M STAYING FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS. AND WHEN I DON'T WANT TO BE INTIMITATE WITH HIM, HE GETS UPSET AND WONDERS WHY. I AM SO STRESSED OUT RIGHT NOW, I JUST WANT TO SCREAM. HE LOST HIS JOB ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO, AND THAT HAS REALLY PUT A STRAIN ON ME, ESPECIALLY WHEN I HAVE TO BE THE ONE WHO DOES ALL THE HOUSECLEANING AND GOING TO WORK. BUT I WILL MOST CERTAINLY KEEP YOU IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS. AND IF YOU EVER NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CALL ME (912)322-8823 (CELL) ANYTIME DAY OR NIGHT. MAY GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU.

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grand...
Mar. 1, 2009 at 8:57 AM

Wow it is such a shame that men think that drinking will solve anything my husband is drinking to much beer and has been told that for the rest of his life he has to take these pills for his kidneys. he spills to much protein in his urine and now its affecting him sexually and after he has told me that he would stop  he continues to drink it anyway. I can surely understand  your frustration and at this point in my life I really tired I don't feel Love anymore just care about him but really haven't decided what I'm going to do. because watching him waste away isn't an option. Men can seem to accomplish so much more by drinking and blocking their true feelings instead of talking and letting out how they really feel. And you just get tired of talking and showing them how much you feel without them turning it into something else. I get so disgusted because he cannot even satisfy me and he has the nerve to watch porn flicks and cannot even stay hard so I really just avoid sex period I have gotten to where I don't want him touching me. He is a good provider and makes sure we have what we need but thats not enough. Yes it is common for men sexual drive to come down some in the 40's I noticed my husband started as well but sex can be some many things and enjoyable not just bouncing up and down on each other but it's all up to what you both like and want. I hear your pain and I feel it myself and understand as well. I'm in the same boat I will keep you in prayer and hope for the best for you to.  Rhonda

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