I'm ready now. (Pretty long)

[Rachel345]

Warning; what I'm about to talk about is pretty hard for me, and might be too heavy for some.

 

 

After today, I really need to get this off my chest and make it public instead of hiding in shame.  For nearly 6 years I was in an abusive relationship with the father of my boys.

"Why am I telling everyone now?" you may ask. It's actually pretty simple, but I'm gonna make a long, complex story out of it cause that's how I roll. lol  If you stay with me, there's a plot twist near the end.

 

Crap. I guess I need to give a little background. His name was Eric. He had a real Dr Jekyll/ Mr Hyde thing happening. And somehow he convinced both of us that he wasn't abusive because he never hit me with a fist. So I can't say I was "beaten". It's funny what you can believe when you want to. I didn't usually walk around with bruises, and I can count on my hands the times that I did. Like the time he picked me up and threw me across the room. He said he aimed for the couch, but I guess my struggling f*cked up the trajectory and I missed most of it. I did get some pretty nice bruises from that.

We broke up over 2 1/2 years ago, and 2 months ago was the first time I let myself admit that I'd been "abused". There had been a post about it, and I finally found the courage to stop lying to myself. I've mentioned it one other time (on-line and surprisingly recently), but I've never gone into detail. Don't worry, I'm not going to now either, except for that couch bit.

So yesterday I'm in my favorite group and there's a post about disciplining your child. It was fairly polite, but then someone said something about abuse and someone responded and the difference between hitting and abuse came up. One lady said something like -that in most states, slapping isn't considered a hitting offense. And I read that part over and over.  I remember looking at the poster's name and realizing that I'd seen her around the group quite a few times. And then I got the heck out of that post. For the rest of the night I kept thinking about it. And thinking about it.....And thinking about it.  And when I wake up I'm still thinking about it. See my problem has always been that he didn't beat me, so I feel like I'm making to big a deal out of how he treated me, the things that he did do. No he never punched me, that would be wrong. So the slaps were just attitude adjustments right? *some sarcasm there*

I started thinking about writing this woman (who's comment I'm obsessing over), and sharing my story. She's been thru it right? I'm sure she didn't mean it the way that I took it. After hours of debating with myself, I decide to do it. Maybe I'm dwelling on it because I'm ready to talk about it. So much to my surprise I bite the bullet and e-mail her.

I start off by telling her I'd seen her comments and felt compelled to share this, and hopefully this is okay, blah blah blah. Then I completely tear down the walls I've so carefully built. It's not a book, I give her a short, condensed version. A cliff notes if you will. I try not to be whiny or angry, in fact I think I may have even been eloquent. I throw in a few funnies, cause that's how I cope, and I didn't want to completely overwhelm her. I spend 5 minutes staring at the send button and then I push it. Instantly I'm plunged into equal parts of relief and despair. What if she thinks I'm criticizing her? What if I was out of line? What if I wasn't eloquent, what if I was boring? lol

Much to my relief she writes back. And she's really, reeeaaaally nice. Except...um...yeah. She's not the right person. O. M. F. G.   She didn't even respond to that post. Somehow, somewhere I got her confused with this other lady. I feel like the world's BIGGEST ASS!! Can you imagine what this poor woman felt when she read that!? I just dumped the highlights of over 5 years of misery in this poor unsuspecting lady's lap!  I warned you guys!!! Not her though!

Now I have no clue what to do. I mean I sent her off a quick "omg I'm so sorry" response while I was crying hysterically, but should I send her another, more heartfelt one? Will she think I'm a complete nut if I do? Heck, who am I kidding, she probably already thinks that lol. The same crazy part of me that wrote the letter in the first place is telling me that I should see if she'll add me as a friend. After all not only was she really nice about the whole thing, but she now knows things that I have never ever shared with any one else. The rational part of me is saying this would be a bad idea, but dang! I'm already upset and confused. I just...don't know. I feel so bad. I'm mortified for myself and for her. I don't want to make anything worse.

So that, my dear luvs, is why I'm going public now. After all; if I'm going to accidentally share this secret with an unsuspecting stranger, I might as well be open about it. Well, to those on-line anyways. I don't think anyone I know in real life would be shocked (it's pretty much an open secret), but I'm not really sure how I'd bring it up casually. "Hey you remember that time you asked me about how Eric treated me?...Well I kinda fudged about it" is pretty awkward.

To those that made it to the end; thank you for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate your support.  <3 ya

[4tink]

Aug. 30, 2008 at 6:29 AM

Hi Rachel. Stop beating your self up. You are a very nice person who has been through a lot. There are many kinds of domestic abuse. There is physical and emotional abuse.If he ever raised a hand to you or caused bodily injury(the couch thing) that is physical. If you were ever threatened, yelled at, cursed at, called names that is emotional abuse. Don't worry about that other lady. She probably figures you just needed someone to talk to. Everyone needs to talk some times. You can email me any time. If you want to vent or talk or what ever. I hope you can start feeling better. Hugs!

[mom308]

Aug. 30, 2008 at 6:38 AM

I am so happy for you.  While you think that you may have told the wrong person, you actually told the right one.  You have become a stronger person today than you probably realize. 

It all takes time to heal and come to terms with everything that has happened to you.  Admitting that you were abused and that it was not your fault is just the beginning.  The abuser has to be in control and he or she (don't want to be prejudice) will for what ever reason make things seem different than they are.  People who abuse or have been abused themselves, do not see this.  Usually it is hidden quite well. It took a long time for me to understand this too.  You should not be scared or ashamed.  You can help others realize that it is not the norm and that they will be okay, and I am sure that your post has done just that. 

I really do understand how hard it was for you to say what you have.  It is an important step in healing and moving on.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Kay300]

Aug. 30, 2008 at 7:22 AM

I just thank God, you were like me...... and were able to get out of it........ I just can't imagine all the women, that stuck it out in those deals......... and lived their whole life in them...............  (It got when I was riding in a vehicle with him, if his arm came up quickly for anything, I would jump and try to cover my face, so I wouldn't get hit..........  even when he was just making a normal movement, 'I was a virgin when we got together, but he continually called me a Slut, and a Whore........... -- He drove me on a gravel road one night, got his shot gun out, loaded it with shells and got out, I was sure he would kill me that night...... all I could do was sit in the car, there was no where to run........ just fields..........  I thought he would fire at me through the front windshield, instead he fired 3 times in the air............. when I think about those times........  I really wish, someone would Kill him and take him off this planet..............  he's married now...........and has two kids....... and I just wonder what kind of abuse they suffer???  Because a twisted Freak like that........ couldn't change..... --------- Sorry for venting............

[clnease]

Aug. 30, 2008 at 7:58 AM

Hey-- it's ok! Really!  And the good thing about a wound is, when you let the festering ooze out, it can begin to heal.  It's also probably a good thing you sent it to the "wrong" person because we all read here about folks who confront the ugly ones & get bombed & harassed & just a lot of ugly on the page-- this way you were able to speak your peice & didn't have to have the negativity hit you.

Hugs to you & I am so glad you had the courage to leave!!  And the courage to speak out!!

Hugs to Kay300 above too-- Life begins when you have the courage to step out and meet it, until then you are only breathing.

[Rachel345]

Aug. 30, 2008 at 3:42 PM

Thank you ladies so much.  Your support has really helped. Maybe I did write to the "wrong" person for a reason.

Thank you again.

(Original Poster)

[aemg]

Sep. 5, 2008 at 8:06 PM

I believe its all been said, you really are a dork!

your friend

Elaine

[tornintwo]

Sep. 7, 2008 at 8:26 PM

Oh my goodness..I've let fly on someone and then apologized to the wrong person..I understand THAT feeling..I also understand the other stuff..Yeah..It's hard to even admit to yourself that someone disrespects you to that extent..Yeah..I also understand about it being a known secret..I can't tell you how many police would see my arms and say..girl..when ya gonna do something? I put up with it for ten years..AND HOW FREE I FEEL... you did good kid....Big hugs...Jana

[ZsMommy]

Sep. 14, 2008 at 2:28 AM

My "idiot Ex" so called High School "Sweetheart" was the devil in disguise...In retrospect there were signs in the teeny-bopper relationship-but ya know-ya brush em off-I legally bound myself to him (there was no wedding-it was an overseas elopement-military quickie thing)...The next several years that followed were filled with abuse...Physical...mental verbal. Yeah-I barely ever showed bruises-he knew where to hit or smack or scratch that it wouldn't be visible...He was 6'4"...I'm barely 5'1"...And at 19 I fought back...which often made it worse for me...but I wasn't takeing it. Took me 6yrs to get out of that relationship alive. See he was in the Army...an MP who often stopped home on duty with a LOADED 45 mm gun...So...I had to play a mental game for several years til he agreed to the divorce.

Rachel-I'm sure the person you accidentally PM'ed understood.  Yeah-you win the "Dork" award for PM'ing the "wrong" person (LOL-given to you with love) but it  was something you needed to get out so you can move forward.

Sending {{HUGS}} to ya.