The Chili Cookoff LMBO!

[AspergerAngel]

If you can read this whole story without laughing,  then there's no hope for you.  This is an actual account as                                 relayed to paramedics at a chili  cook-off in Texas .

                                Note: Please take time to read this slowly. For those of you  who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is.
                                 They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time  Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion
                                  of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .
                                 Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named  Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
                                   Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a  judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
                                  called in sick at the last moment and I happened to        be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
                                   directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call   came in. I was assured by the other two judges
                                  (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that     spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free
                                  beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became   Judge 3.'
                                   Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
                                  CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

                                  Judge # 1 -- A little too h eavy on the tomato.     Amusing kick.
                                  Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
                                  Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is   this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
                                   Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst  one. These Texans are crazy.
                                  CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
                                   Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight  jalapeno tang.
                                   Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers    to be taken seriously.
                                   Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.   I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
                                    pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted togive me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
                                  more beer when they saw the look on my face.

                                 CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
                                  Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
                                   Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
                                  Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium  spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
                                  Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me      more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
                                  back, now my backbone is in the front part of my   chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
                                   CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

                                  Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.       Disappointing.
                                   Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good  side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of
                                  a chili.
                                   Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my    tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
                                   burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing  behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
                                  look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? 
        
                                     CHILI # 5 -  LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

                                  Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers  freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very   impressive.
                                   Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use     more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
                                   strong statement.
                                   Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring  off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted,
                                   and four people behind me needed paramedics The contestant  seemed offended whe n I told her that her chili had
                                   given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from   bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
                                   pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It  really ticks me off that the other judges asked me  to stop screaming. Screw them.

                                 CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

                                  Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.   Good balance of spices and peppers.
                                  Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of   peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
                                   Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe      filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself
                                   when I farted, and I'm worried it  will eat through the chair.   No one seems in clined to stand behind me except
                                   Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my   butt with a snow cone.
                                   CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
                                   Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance      on canned peppers.
                                   Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally    threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
                                   **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is
                                   cursing uncontrollably.
                           
                                   Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,   pull the pin, and I  wouldn't feel a thing. I've
                                   lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it    is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
                                  chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My     pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least
                                  during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.       I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
                                   Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I    need air, I'll just suck it in through the
                                 4-inch hole in my stomach.
                                   CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
                                   Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice  blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to
                                   declare its existence.
                               Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced   chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
                              of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,    fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
                               himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor   feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
                               chili?
                               Judge # 3 - No Report

[mommylovesjande]

Sep. 4, 2008 at 10:53 AM

Dee-Dee:  That was so funny, thanks for sharing! 

[Avrille]

Sep. 10, 2008 at 3:28 PM

my goodness, my kiddos're supposed be sleepin' right now & my dd's screamin' from her room that I stop laughin' cause she wants to sleeeeeeep...BUT I CAN'T STOP! I bet that poor Frank doesn't need any Colonix after all...lol

[Avrille]

Sep. 10, 2008 at 3:29 PM

p.s. if you don't know what's Colonix, go google ;) they'll tell ya ;) lol