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Better comes with worse - just one of the many catch-22's of widowhood
- Sep 3, 2008 at 10:38 AM
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- Comments (17) Total Views (896) Everyone can see this journal post.
3 things that make me feel better. Ok, I’ll bite. Let’s see …
1- Time with my daughter
EXCEPT – now this family time is missing one key ingredient, one essential member of our family. Permanently gone. As in forever.
2- Working in the garden
EXCEPT – it reminds me so much of how he loved to work around the yard and how much fun we had doing it together.
3- Visiting new places
EXCEPT – it’s harder to enjoy visiting new places now. Difficult to go alone, and always feeling like “oh, he would have loved this”
Wow – so bittersweet. Ok. Maybe I need to try a different 3.
1- Shopping – sure, why not? A little retail therapy.
EXCEPT – with his death comes loss of income. I can barely afford groceries right now. Shopping isn’t really possible. And things aren’t what’s important anyway.
2 – A vacation. Well sure, that WOULD be nice.
EXCEPT – we just hit that money issue again, AND the visiting new places issue. Nope, that won’t work.
3 – Scrapbooking – I love to take photos and I’m always behind, so getting some pages done is a good thing
EXCEPT – photographs and memories are now accompanied by tears. Funny how some things now bring pain with the smiles. Or smiles with the pain. Either way, it doesn’t really make me feel “better”.
Trying again.
1 – Spending time with friends. I’ve always had a great circle of friends.
EXCEPT – well, most of them disappeared after he died. They didn’t know what to say or do, so they
stopped calling or coming around. They
don’t invite me to activities that are ‘couples activities’. They do, however, tell me that his death
reminded them to buy more life insurance.
Ok. Glad to be of service, I
suppose? And really, this paragraph
could get so long that it would make reading this journal impossible. So I think we’ll leave it at that.
2 – Talking with the women in The Widows Club.
HEY WAIT. That one SHOULD make me feel worse. It should remind me of his absence. It should make me sad for why I came to know those women in the first place. But it doesn’t.
It doesn’t because it is such a joy to be able to communicate with women who understand. Women who know the issues. Women who know these feelings. Women who aren’t so caught up in the day to day activity of bemoaning minor insignificant things - or worse yet, bemoaning their own choices. Women who get it.
But you know? It’s not just a matter of needing or wanting to be with women who’ve been there (although it sure is great to have them). It’s a matter of society treating widows with such a flippant blatant and nearly constant disregard that can make every day such a damn struggle.
As if we aren’t struggling enough.
Comments:
I am sorry for your loss. I can't believe that your friends disapeared after you lost your husband..what kind of friends do that??
I hope you make new frineds that are there for you no matter what.
I never realized that widows were treated this way. I am sorry that society has pushed you aside. I can not imagine what you go through day after day. Thank you for sharing a little piece of your world. Not for pity, but for understanding.
My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine your pain... When I try to imagine it, it makes me want to cry
What kind of friends treat a widow like that? Most of 'em. Sad, isn't it? Yes, they disappear. And they most certainly disappear in public.
Heck, I had a "friend" who would support me in private - but ya know, at the kids school events? wouldn't even sit with me. "One day I asked - hey, what the hell is the deal? You were just at my house, the kids were playing together, we were drinking ice tea - and here, in public, you blow me off?" Her answer? "well, your situation makes people uncomfortable, you know."
Uh yeah. Duh. Would you like to know who it makes the MOST uncomfortable? Oh wait - that would be ME. And mostly because people treat me like you are treating me now.
Hey, try being a friend. Try taking a public stand for what is right. NOT for popular opinion or for what passes as acceptable in your social circle when it comes to death issues. FOR WHAT IS RIGHT.
And that mistreatment? It carries over into everything - conversation (terms like football widow carelessly tossed about is only one example of this), inclusion (because after all, we're now a 3rd wheel), government forms that offer the options of single, married, and divorced - but leave off widowed, and even common courtesy. It's common. We wish it wasn't folks, but it is.
Be a part of the solution, please.
I haven't lost my spouse, but I lost my oldest son 5 yrs ago. I also lost alot of my friends. It sad they don't realize that it's not words you want to hear (since they don't know how to talk to you anymore) it still their friendship, their companionship that you want, need, and crave. It's sad they don't realize that we are still the same person we were before our loss, just more saddened, and just maybe their continued friendship would make our life alittle easier as we walk through unknown territory. In the end we somehow manage to become a stronger person and we may be the one they need someday.
I am sending you a big giant hug, I only wish that I could give it to you myself. I am not a widow myself, but when my mom died my dad experienced many of the same rejections that you have...the friends who were always there that can no longer remember your name...it is a shame that our society isn't better at loving one another...maybe that is because we don't truly love ourselves?? How can we love one another if we don't first love ourselves? Ok, I am blabbering....your post was very moving...I am here if you ever need or want to talk or vent. I won't forget who you are.
No, there aren't enough people out there interested in treating each other with kindness. Too many people are usually way too involved in shouting their own agenda to bother giving it - or even to notice it when it comes their way. It's pretty shameful. And when it comes to widowhood? Yeah, we will be the ones they need someday - makes me wonder how they'd like to be treated...
In the past 6 weeks I've found out who my true friends & family are.
We moved from the house, for 1 I can't afford the rent all by myself #2 the landlord was a jacka$$ to me after he found out my husband died, #3 I just couldn't stay there knowing he died in my arms in that livingroom.
So did ANY of my friends & family help us move? Only one couple & some of the kids friends helped us move . Everyone else has all but abandoned us.
I am understanding the "stigma" of being a young widow & I DO NOT LIKE IT at all.
I haven't changed, I may be sad but it is all with good cause.
Widowhood is NOT A DISEASE you can't catch it so talk to me . I love talking about Denny.
thank you so much for posting this & I will "see " you in group.
{{{HUGS}}}
Thank you for posting this. I've been missing my husband a lot lately. It's been three years but I still have my bad days. Here is a big hug for you.
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Boy do you have that right. And even as we overcome our own struggles with the pain itself, THIS :
"It’s a matter of society treating widows with such a flippant blatant and nearly constant disregard that can make every day such a damn struggle."
THIS is what we face.
- missingruth
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