Can't let things continue this way

[momof3nvw]

My 14-year-old son told me to shut the f*** up--can't even tell you what it was about. I had brought him from his dad's house and had taken my daughter to dad's house. (Same father.) She had wound up with both her and brother's phone charger. Wes was furious with his sister, but I told him I would just go get it. I said I wasn't happy about it--I'm always having to drive them back and forth to get something. Went and got the charger.

Wes was still mad when I got back and he yelled at me. I told him I had gone to get the charger and he needed to talk more respectfully to me and he didn't need to cuss at me or try to bully me. I said he needed to apologize for the way he was acting and then he would get the charger. I also said if he didn't start speaking decently to me that I would have his phone shut off. He really went off--yelling and cussing and doing the proximity thing. I gave him about 5 minutes to settle down then went into his room, charger in hand, planning to give it to him. I said we needed to talk about this.

I asked him why he had been so hateful and he said he didn't know. Then he began to get louder and more demanding again. I told him that he would not be allowed to do anything except go to school, football practice and football games, but would be grounded until he changed his behavior to me. Next thing he was pushing me, grabbing the charger, and then slammed his palm into the wall--leaving a huge crack in the plaster. I think he was shocked--immediately said Sorry before I even saw the wall and then walked into his room.

I saw the wall and began to cry. I yelled at him for ruining my wall. I called his father who said something like this."What did you think--that his anger problems would go away because you moved out of the house?" Then he proceded to tell me that they have been getting along pretty well now. Which they never did before--that was partially why I moved out--I couldn't stand the walking on eggshells trying to keep things at ease between them. Of course, my carpenter husband, father of my 3 kids certainly didn't offer to come fix the wall.

I did go back in and tell my son that he was absolutely grounded now. He told me I couldn't do that--he will go wherever he wants. Probably that is just talk--he's never been one to just run the streets. And he doesn't go places during the week--he's too tired from football practice each night. I told him he would be ungrounded when he found a way to have the wall repaired. That he could call his coaches, his friends' dads, or he could learn to do it himself, but he would go nowhere after football until it was repaired. I will give him a few days to figure this out and if he hasn't done anything he loses the phone,. He will have to stay at his dad's then because shutting off the phone may put me in danger. Tonight was serious and I know there must be a consequence.

I can't tell the coaches for fear they will make him sit out a part of a game something. (Actually they probably wouldn't--he is one of the 5 full-game players on his freshman team and may get in some jv time also.) But if football is somehow taken away from him, there would be really serious problems.

I know Wes is angry with me over separating from his dad. I left the house on June 30th so this is all pretty fresh and raw. But he and the girls told me so many times that I shouldn't let their dad treat me the way he did. Their dad never physically abused me. Never. But he was critical and negative and unappreciative for years. He belittled me and hurt my feelings hundreds of times. I hated the way he talked about the kids when they weren't there--negatively, predicting how awful they would be in the future, talking about the weight the girls had gained--both are beautiful and neither are thin but are also in no way fat--maybe 10 pounds overweight each. (I am about 70 pounds overweight and I heard about that sometimes, too.) He would tell me how Wes is such trouble and how bad he is going to be in the future. I didn't usually stand up to him over myself--but I argued back with him when he started in on the kids.

I have been married to this man for over 26 years. For the past year I had planned my move, but never told him or the kids until I did it. I was afraid my husband might get physical or might make me change my mind. He'd gone to my counselor a couple of times, over the kids mostly, but our marriage was brought up as a subject also. He rampaged in front of the counselor about how bad the kids were and what a lousy housekeeper I was. The conversation wtih the counselor was very negative about both me and the kids. It was another nail in the coffin in my mind. He has never been able to accept fault. In fact, he blames the counselor and my Prozac for me leaving. He also accused me of having an affair  (I didn't--ever, ever, ever!), being out for his money (there isn't any to be after), and of having a mid-life crisis (more like a mid-life reality check).

I've started rambling now. I don't know who, if anybody will read this. I'm not asking for answers--maybe just prayers. My son means the world to me--all three children do. But I hate being called names by them. I hate being made to feel bad for finally standing up for myself and doing something that was the best for me and that I think will ultimately be the best for them. I hate the fact that my son is bullying me. I hate the fact that I am whining to strangers. I hate the idea that some of you will judge me to be a terrible mother, for only a terrible mother could have allowed things to get this way............. I hate considering myself to be a terrible mother............

[broonessa]

Sep. 8, 2008 at 12:33 AM

You're not a terrible mother!  IMHO, your son is acting this way because it is what he has learned from his father.  He watched him treat you this way for so long, that he may not know how to treat you properly.  NOT that that is an excuse.  And I'm sure there are anger issues, as well as having to get used to a new life, that he is taking out on you.  I think you are doing the right thing though by grounding him and letting him know right away that you will no longer tolerate this type of behavior. 

I also think it is great that you are making him responsible for fixing the wall.  This way he sees immediately that actions have consequences.  Maybe you can sit down with him when things are calmed down and talk to him.  I don't know how you feel about this, but, when my daughter was a teenager there were many times when we couldn't talk face to face because it would just blow up.  I would write a letter to her, and tell her it was ok if she didn't respond, or waited to respond if she wanted to.  And she would usually write back after she had calmed down and could think rationally.  There were many times she initiated the letters as well and I would write back after thinking things through as well.  It helped our relationship tremendously by being able to think before speaking. 

I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you.  But please know you are not a horrible mother.  In fact you are a good mother by trying to deal with it and making your son face it as well.

Hugs to you.