The guts of it

[firsttimerofone]

My sister is only 36 and she has a rare cancer.  I am only 30 and I have chronic Lyme disease.  These facts sometimes make me just numb and sad.  Then I'm reminded of what a lady from the short film "Crazy Sexy Cancer" said,  "Why not me?"  I forget that Jesus promised hardships, pain and suffering in this life and not to be surprised by it.  Why is it then when we hear the bad news we have that pity party of "Why me?"  So how do you accept a diagnosis that can change the way you live your daily life?  I guess the answer lies in something I've heard a millions times.  Take it one day at a time.  The days I stop rushing and look around I am reminded of how lucky I am not to be sicker, a house, a son, a husband, two cats, a car etc.  So people have nothing yet they are content even in their worse poverty.  They accept the life they are given and try to make the best of it.  But is there something more?  Lately I've been reading a book "Waking the Dead" by John Eldridge.  Something about this book hit me right away.  I have forgotten I'm in a body, world, life that's in the mist of war.  Satan vs God, Chronic illness vs Wholeness, Light vs Dark, Good vs Evil, Complete vs incomplete.  My body is at war and so is the rest of my life.  So how do we win the war on terror?  Maybe I can't win the war here are earth, maybe that doesn't happen until I get to heaven, when I get a new body.   So how can I deal with the war I'm in now?  God, people, Bible, church, all these terms come to one conclusion.  The little piece of heaven on earth is relationships with God or anyone else.  My physical body maybe at war but my spirit can be a peace.  So what do you do when church is a place of war too?  and relationships, theology, etc.  don't seem to help.  Where do you turn next?  For me, I know that I need my family closer than ever, and try my best with church.  I just know I need more.  So how do you move on from all of this?  How do you make peace on the inside while outside the war rages on?  The only thought that seems to help me lately is acknowledging that a war IS happening and I refuse to let satan win.  To not see Disease, my husband, my cranky son as my source of stress and they are not the enemy.  Satan is.  I try to remind myself who the enemy really is.  And kick his butt.  The only other scripture that helps is the ones that talk about God using tought, painful circumstances to make me " mature and complete".  I do feel like gold going through the refining process.  The impurities are being taken out.  boy does it hurt.   I just hope that I can come out on the other side as pure gold.  I hope what I'm going through can help someone else someday.  Then it will seem worth it.