-
self realization
- Sep 13, 2008 at 9:37 PM
- By
- Comments (6) Total Views (326) Everyone can see this journal post.
I've realized something important about myself.
For those that don't know (and why would you) Jason and I have been trying to decide whether we want two children or three. He wants to stop at 2 and I want three. I'm trying to accept that we may only have two because I don't want him to resent me or the baby (if we have one) or for him to feel pressured to please me... etc
I was browsing in Barnes and Noble tonight... looking for something to make me feel better... to help me have some confidence as a mother... Like Chicken Soup for the Soul... something like that.
As I was standing in front of a display of Chicken Soup books I suddenly realized why I've been having such a horrible, stressful time making the 2 vs 3 decision (Jason said it was up to me... what a jerk). Not only do I have NO self confidence at all ( I don't... I'm just good at faking it in public). My whole life is ruled by fear.
I'm terrified of making the wrong decision about ANYTHING. I'm afraid of my family's opinions and their disapproval (one of the issues behind 2vs3... my family will give me absolute hell if I have a 3rd). I'm afraid that if I admit that I want another baby my husband will feel resentful and pressured. I'm afraid that if I have one I won't be able to handle 3. I'm afraid that I'll wreck the family dynamic that we already have by adding another person.
This list goes on and on and these are only the fears I have about THIS ONE THING in my life.
I'm spending my whole life afraid of everything. I tried to join a local playgroup. I spent 5 months working up the nerve to go to one of the dates. I was there for 20 minutes and left. I found them all to be intimidating and it was scary. I was sure they were all looking down at me and thinking "why is she here... she doesn't know anyone and she doesn't fit in". I left and didn't go back again.
I've known for a while that I don't have any close friends anymore. I just don't know how to do it anymore. I had two really close (I thought) friends and they both just bailed. I still talk to one of them, but we're just in totally different places in our lives. She's in school and I'm here being a mother. The other one... I don't know what happened. I loved her to death and I thought she cared about me. One day she just stopped answering my calls. I would bump into her from time to time and she would make a lunchdate for the following week (she made and broke four of them) and then not show up. I would call, but she wouldn't answer and wouldn't return my calls. When I saw her next.... she would tell me how she missed me... we should have lunch... sorry about last time (what happened?)... etc. We would make a lunch date and she would ditch me again!
I've got a handful of "friends". I use quotes because although I care about these friends and hope they care about me... I only see them once maybe twice a year if that often. We touch base once in a blue moon.
I don't know how to fix this. I used to be this outgoing happy person. Now I'm afraid of everything. I'm so paralyzed by fear that I can't make the simplest decisions without second guessing myself a half-dozen times.
What the hell happened to me?
Comments:
My husband was done at two also. But I told him the birth control was making me sick, and that he'd better get fixed. He didn't. I got pregnant. He almost left. He was that serious about no more babies. I refused to end the pregnancy, and we had a standoff. I won. Of course he felt like a total slime bucket for almost leaving, almost trying to force me into doing something I didn't want to do. But then I kind of forced him too.
I'm babbling. Sorry. I just read what you wrote and you SOUND JUST LIKE ME. I have no "real" friends anymore. I'm lonely. Oh well. Sorry, I just dropped in after reading a post in RD. Hope you are alright. wishing you the best.
Hi, just stopping by after posting on RD group...I felt compelled to comment here. I can identify with you on every point. I know what it's like to live in fear. It's like a cancer that eats away at your soul and then paralyzes you. It chews you up and then spits you out. I've learned that 'what I think about, I bring about'...so set your thoughts on positive things. Hang around people who build you up. Sometimes, you NEED to start a new chapter in your life...so think of those so-called 'friends' as your 'last chapter' and seek new ones.
As far as kids...do you think you want a third, because you secretly want to try for a girl? If so, that is perfectly fine, but be sure you will be okay with having another boy. I had 3 kids very close together and it was that third one that threw me into a depression! My hormones were all wacked out...I'm okay now, but it's like they say...if you have 3, you may as well have a 100! The work goes up exponentially and you really need to prepare yourself! :)
Hi I have to say I am feeling alot of the same way.Like I dont fit in or that people look down there nose at me I am scared to go ride in the car cause somthing might happen or leave the house with my cay in here what if always comes up I didnt used to be like this either I was a car sales person for 20 years and very out going but now I am not..so I know how you feel
Jamie
I do the same thing. Seriously. I have 2 boys and have often wished to have another. When that happens, I just agree to take an infant for a couple of days drop-in care and that cures me. I sort of "forget" what work a baby is. I can't run and play with the boys because I have a baby to look after. Really, I think I've got plenty on my plate. You might want to ask yourself what you hope to achieve out of having another baby. I'm also a victim of flaky "friends" who make dates and break 'em like crazy. What ever happened to courtesy? As a small business owner, mom and homeschooler, my time is really valuable. I've also had plenty of times where I felt I didn't belong. When that happens, I just form my own durn group. Let the ladies-who-lunch have their little group. Mine's much cooler anyway....LOL Anyhoo...
We are actually a lot alike. I always fear putting myself out there because I get hurt so easily.
Already a member? Click here to log in
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I too share many of the same feelings. I have just recently accepted the fact that I will not have any more children. My husband and I had the same disagreement on it as you and yours. My friends have also bailed, and the only one that really cares can't even come and visit me (long story there), so we can only talk on the phone. I think as Mothers we all have these feelings from time to time. It sounds like you need to take a nice break for yourself, go to a spa for a day get a massage or a pedicure, or both! Take some time for yourself and then go back to your family feeling a little better. Focus on the kids you have now (not that you aren't already) and when/if you are ready for another baby you will know. Good luck sweetie and message me if you need to. I mean it.
- Katie520327
Message Friend Invite