Fear and its Place in Adoption

[Southernroots]

Like many emotions, fear is appropriate and necessary in certain circumstances.  We need to have certain fears to protect ourselves from harm. To fear getting mowed down by a car prevents us from stepping into trafffic without looking, to fear getting hurt in a relationship makes us careful about who we let into our lives, to fear being sick, we work hard to stay healthy.  All of these fears, unless taken to extremes, are reasonable and help protect us.

Yet, in adoption, fear is often taken to unreasonable and unhealthy extremes.  Adoptive parents are sometimes candid enough to acknowledge that much of their behavior in dealing with the natural/birth mothers of their children is based on their own fears. They fear that the mother might change her mind and think if she has no access to her child that will not happen. They fear the child might like its natural/fist/birth mother better so, they sometimes try to sever that bond completely. There is no shame in having these fears, but it is wrong to allow them to inappropriately influence your behavior.

A new mother needs time to reconsider her decision after the birth of her child.  Fears of her changing her mind should not propel paps into hovering around her in the hospital hoping to limit her contact and/or restricting her contact before final papers are inked.  If holding or seeing her child is enough for her to change her mind, how can anyone believe that adoption was meant to take place? Is it right to force an adoption that may not need to happen and is not what the mother ultimately wants? Think about the ramifications for a mother who tries to change her mind and is not allowed to do so.

Or, think about how it would feel to a mother who is firm in her conviction about the relinquishment, but wants or needs one last opportunity to say goodbye to her baby if she is denied this time.  How hard is it to imagine how painful not being allowed that time might be? Finding peace, healing and recovery afer relinquishment is hard enough, but not allowing a mom to say goodbye in her own way and time adds to her burden.

Pregnant women in unplanned pregnancies sometimes allow their immediate fears to overtake their reason. Instead of conquering their fear and getting a handle on it, they may instead allow it to direct them to relinquish a baby when that really is not what they want to do, or even need to do.  The decision about an unplanned pregnancy needs to be made, not based on fear, but through a place of strength and clear thinking. Of course, this is often easier said than done. However, when we allow our fears to affect this particular decision too much we often make a decision that does not stand the test of time.

Raising a child can be a scary proposition in the best of times. When you factor in additional stresses like economic woes, single parenthood, etc. fear may set in and not allow for clear thinking about the future. Yet relinquishing a child changes your life forever, and should not be based on temporary fears that may cloud your judgment.

Lastly, fear prevents many adoptees and birth family members from reaching out to each other later on and attempting to reconnect.  We fear hurting the other party, intruding on their lives and most of all we fear being rejected by them. However, if a reunion is what sometimes wants, it is worth the risk even if it does end in hurt or rejection.  You can never know until you try and make the attempt.

In adoption, the best way to alleviate your fears is through education. This is the case whether you are an expectant mom or a potential adoptive mom considering adoption, or an adoptee considering a search. Arm yourself with the tools to make the best possible decisions about your future.  

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt.

"Anything I've ever done that ultimately was worthwhile... initially scared me to death."
-- Betty Bender.

[Elyssa414]

Sep. 14, 2008 at 12:54 PM

Great journal! I agree that  adoptive parents and first parents need to put aside their fears, and make every huge, life-changing decision based on what is best for their child! Thanks for posting.

[lillie023]

Sep. 15, 2008 at 8:13 PM

Thanks Jan, yet another great journal post. It gave me some much needed confidence.

[blessed3times]

Sep. 16, 2008 at 11:52 AM

Well written as always Jan!

It seems like PAP's get so desperate at times that all their morals go out the window.  To say "no" to contact with the firstmom until she signs the relinquishment papers? 

They should look in the dictionary under the word  "extortion".

[BobMariah]

Sep. 18, 2008 at 5:08 PM

It's amazing the things I learn from this website. We keep thinking that we have adoption figured out and know exactly how to go about it. But then I see posts like this and it opens my eyes even more. I've come to the realization that we'll never know everything there is to know, but reading things like this will lead us on a more ethical path. Thank you so much for sharing it.

[Southernroots]

Sep. 18, 2008 at 9:57 PM

Thank you all for your comments! The greatest compliments I can receive are to hear that I make someone think or that they have learned something from my words. Plus, I love hearing from another birth/first mom that I have been of some help to her.

There is so much to learn that we can never learn it all, but we can learn a lot that will help us and our children.  I am committed to helping making adoption more ethical and better for all.

(Original Poster)

[rainfalls]

Nov. 5, 2008 at 1:35 AM

Wow, you really hit the nail on that one.  I made my decision based on complete fear.  I wish I had known what I know today.  My decision would have been to parent my child - and conquer my fears.