Frustrated with Hubby and finances - please read, need advice

[elwalters77]

I was in charge of our finances for years, until we bought our home.  My husband knows worrying about getting bills paid stresses me out, so after we bought our house (a substantial change from our appartment's rent) he offered to take over for me. 

It's been over two years now and I know that the economy is hurting and times are tough, but I can't take this anymore!  He is in complete control and I don't even have any imput anymore. 

Now, we both work full time.  I work at one of the Admissions Offices at Cornell University (not too shabby pay or benefits, but no overtime options and not as much as he makes) and he works 2nd shift as a Corrections Officer for the State of NY, makes more money than I do and can get overtime.  He used to work overnights and we had NO daycare expenses, but it got to be too much for him, so we discussed it and agreed that he would go to second shift.  This allows our son to only go to daycare about 4 hours a day, 3 - 5 days a week, letting us each have time with him and saving on daycare expenses.

My job is further away than his, so with the rising gas prices, my commute is getting more costly, but this is a necessary evil of working.  On top of that, food and heat costs are rising.  To me, this means it's time to buckle down and start trimming expenses, NOT ADD them!  The needs of the family outweigh the wants of the individual - that has always been my philosophy.  I will go without to be sure that my family has what they NEED.  In fact, I have no hobbies other than reading books (free - library/borrowed), Cafemom (free - we already own the computer and pay for internet) and watching TV (free - we own the TV and are already paying for DirectTV).  In fact, if we had to cut one of those expenses, I could live without TV (but DH could not - he's addicted to SportsCenter).

I would love to be in plays or sing in choirs - but I would need to find someone to watch my son while I was doing it, since DH works at night.  That would cost $$$, so I don't participate in my passions.  If I hang out with a friend, it is usually at one of our homes to save on child care and other expenses.  I rarely eat out or treat myself to anything.  I would love a mani or pedi, or to buy a new CD or book - but I don't.  That money could be better used on groceries or other things for our family or our home.  But I do work full time and make pretty decent pay, in fact the best I've ever made - but it's still not enough.  There's never anything left for me at all.  There's barely anything left for groceries, which stresses me out, especially with a toddler at home and me being diabetic and pregnant.  I want us to eat well and not worry about not having food in the house.

Since my husband controls the expenses, he makes all the decisions.  He pays all the bills, but he also decides what my grocery budget is, which is usually never enough.  He does't think twice about eating more than he could possibly need to be satisfied or going through an entire box of crackers in one sitting!  He also will spend money daily on candy bars or dinner at work (I'm guessing an average of $10 a day = $50 a week!).  When I controlled the expenses, I got groceries and presciptions first, gas, then paid bills with what was left and got cash for each of us for the week.  He usually would spend his and then take mine (since I tended to save mine if I didn't need it).  But it's a big deal if I buy something for lunch once or twice a week and he scrutinizes every purchase I make when I buy groceries "We didn't need this, we already have some of that". 

He also will "budget in" for the things he wants like sports event tickets, hunting gear, going out for a few beers with the guys after work, extra daycare so he can go hiking, fishing, hunting and now the biggest kicker - he just bought a 2006 Jeep Wrangler that is going to cost us about $400 a month ($150 more than his 2004 Cavalier does, which there is nothing wrong with it) and it gets much less gas mileage than the Cavalier! 

I drive a 2003 Pontiac Vibe, which is paid off, so you'd think we'd have an extra $315 a month, but no.  Where is that money?  I don't know!  I'm sure not seeing any of it!  AND I plan to drive that car another 5 years if possible.  Not to mention, my car is overdue for inspection and I know it won't pass without new tires, which will cost nearly $600 for what I need! 

Why do we need a Jeep right now?  I had NO SAY in that purchase whatsoever!  He got the loan without me and has been shopping around for one for about a month now.  I never agreed to it and he knows I'm not happy about it.  He says he'll work overtime to afford it.  I say, if we can't afford it, we shouldn't be counting on overtime.  You NEVER know what could happen! 

All the while, I get NOTHING!  No hobbies (he has sports, fishing, hunting, hiking, etc) and no fun stuff either (he goes out with his friends, goes to games, etc).  If you read my other post, you'll see that there was a big arguement about me needing maternity clothes!  He told me to be patient and wait until the end of October!  I'm almost 10 weeks already, what does he want me to do, tell the baby to stop growing?  It's not about being patient! 

He always says "tell me what you want and I'll budget it in", but then tells me I need to be patient for maternity clothes!  WTF?!  I don't ask for much, but how long does he expect me to be happy living like this? 

Also, since we work opposite shifts, we barely see eachother and it seems that he's always swapping shifts or taking days off to do what he wants, and I'm usually not included in those plans, and when he is here, he's on line looking for hunting or Jeep stuff to buy or he's watching sports or playing video games!  Everytime I bring up that it's not fair how he spends our money and time, it turns into an arguement! He'll say "it's not his fault that I can't go out - he goes out after work when we're home sleeping (not an option for me), or that I don't do anything (but he's not here to watch our son so I can) or that I don't have anything "just tell me and I'll budget it in"  BS! 

He thinks that because I have our son and a baby on the way, that that's all I should want out of life.  In fact, he wasn't too keen on the idea of having more kids because it would take away from his time and would cost too much!  This is seriously F'd Up! 

I don't even know what to do anymore.  I mean, he's not a bad person, he does take care of us, does all the yard work, pays the bills, works, helps a lot around the house, does't abuse us, but to me, he still puts himself first and always seems to get what he wants, regardless of how I feel or what I want/need.  Sometimes I feel like what I want or need or how I feel doesn't matter to him at all.  It upsets me so much, but I never get anywhere with him.  Anytime I try to talk to him, (in the limited amount of time that he's around - God forbid he get off the computer/turn off the sports/stop texting his friends/or stay up a little later to have a conversation with his wife! ), it just ends up in an arguement with me crying and alone. 

[elwalters77]

Sep. 14, 2008 at 9:33 PM

Wow, sorry, this is super long!  Thanks for reading.

(Original Poster)

[NYMomma77]

Sep. 15, 2008 at 6:16 AM

First thing is you are hormonal--remember that so while the situation does stink-those early pregnancy hormones are making it worse!! Secondly You make good money and should be able to get more than just a budget "allowed" to you. I would sit down and talk to your husband and let him know all of your concerns, he may not know how bad he is making you truly feel. There is nothing worse than feeling like a hamster who is running and getting nowhere. If you work you should as least be able to get a few "treats" in occassionally--ie tickets to a show, dinner, a $10 manicure. His dinners need to be addressed as well. If he is so into budgeting than spending that extra $ on food should be brought up. And the maternity clothes thing--tell him not for nothing I can't be patient this is my second child and I am going to need them sooner than later so treat it like a fine fishing pole baby and budget it in!!!!! He is definitely being selfish and it's not right!!!! Hugs to you

[mutts914]

Sep. 15, 2008 at 9:21 AM

your husband is just like 70% of the men i know! they are all like that. they can always find the time and money to do what they want to do..... maybe you can open up your own checking account and have a small percentage put in there with direct deposit for you and the extra needs. don't ask him, just do it. or tell him it's a savings account. otherwise you just have to accept it, he won't change. ( sorry for being so pessimistic)

hang in there!

[sadiee21]

Sep. 15, 2008 at 10:27 AM

Why don't you both sit down figure out how much all the household expenses are and put in  a joint account enough money to handle the household expense plus a little for emergencies and then have your own accounts with the leftover. I pay all the bills and my dh works. I give him a set amount from each paycheck (we agreed on the amount) that he uses for gas an spending money.

[Eviesmommy]

Sep. 15, 2008 at 4:56 PM

I like the opening your own account idea. Maybe sit down and figure out the monthly expenses on your own, then "budget" a little money for your own needs and set it aside in your own account that he can't touch. He certainly didn't ask you for permission to buy a new jeep. I would bring that up to him if he gets upset. And about the Jeep~ it doesn't get horrible gas mileage, I drive one. Sure, it's not gonna get great mileage like the cavalier, but at least he didn't buy a gas guzzling BIG truck! Just trying to give you something positive out the crappy situation. Hang in there girl, and if you need to talk, I'm always here. Heck, I'm off work indefinitely until my leg heals, so I'll be spending a lot more time online. Drop me a message anytime you need a sympathetic ear.

[nperry07]

Sep. 29, 2008 at 8:15 PM

Wow.... your blog really hits home for me.  There are alot of things that you mentioned that I myself have been going through w/ Myke.  I find myself getting upset w/ him almost every night over something (not doing something he could have, not spending time/playing with Kaden, falling asleep very early, etc).  It's almost like men think that b/c we are the mother of their children, that they can do whatever the hell they want and it doesn't matter how we are affected.  He gets pissy when I ask him to do anything for Kaden if it means that he has to get up from the couch or heaven forbid miss a few minutes of a sports game.  I don't have any hobbies either hun!  Working and taking care of Kaden is my life.  It's almost like b/c it's all we do, that we accept we can't do anything else.  How sad is that?  I completely understand where you are coming from w/ the stress of bills.  I worry about money all the time.  I would love to have sibling for Kaden, but I feel it would get worse and I would be even more stressed out.  It's definitely not in the marriage manual that your marriage takes a huge hit when you have children.  Once you have children, trying to find the balance between mom and wife is definitely harder.  I feel like there are times where I am a better mom than wife... is that weird??  You definitely need to take care of yourself and try to keep the stress down.  You and your baby need to stay healthy.  Hopefully you guys can work out the differences.  He needs to listen to what you have to say b/c a marriage is supposed to be 50/50---although it doesn't always work like that.  About the maternity clothes, that is ridiculous, I'm sorry.  You shouldn't have to wait for clothes, while he is out and about doing what he likes to do.  That is garbage.  I wish you didn't live so far away.... we will have to get together for a playdate/girls day before the weather gets too nasty.  You know you can always call me if you need to talk!  I'm here for you hun.  I hope it gets better for you!  Keep your chin up =)