I need some help with my toddler.....

[kailynsmommy87]

My husband and I have decided to try for another baby. I am so excited. My daughter, Kailyn will be two on Friday. I know she will be a great big sister.  We are ready finacially, we have alot of loved ones in our life to help out when the next baby is born...but we have a little problem. Kailyn has been rocked to sleep since birth. I know, I know, please spare me the evil comments, I know I did wrong. I was19 when I had my daughter, and no one told me that  if I rocked her to sleep in the beginning, it would be really, really hard to break that habit. She sleeps on her toddler mattress right next to my bed. She does sleep through the night. On occasion, she will wake up for a drink, and I will have to rock her back to sleep. I know I can't do this anymore. I can't rock her to sleep while having a newborn in the home. It's just so hard, because I have tried this before when she slept in a crib. She'd stand up in her crib for an HOUR waiting for me. It's not like I went in her room, frequently either. I don't like the whole cry it out method, though. I just need some advice from mothers that have gone through this before. I mean, I can't be the ONLY mother that has made this mistake.

I love watching her to fall asleep, but I know it's healthier for her if she goes to sleep on her own. She is very much attached to me, and it's going to be so hard. It's also going to be hard for me, because I am so used to her sleeping next to me, that I've grown to love it. I love it, if I am worried about her in the middle of the night I could just lean over, and see her. Ease my worries. We have a great bedtime routine, that we stick to every night. Bath, Pj's, bedtime lotion, book, sleep. Every night, we do this at the same time. Please...someone give me some sort of advice! I'd love to hear a gentle approach to this.

I hate to ask this, but if you could please vote popular so more mothers can read, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all so much.

Stacy

[myfourkids84]

Sep. 15, 2008 at 10:48 PM

bump! So this woman can get some help!

[kailynsmommy87]

Sep. 15, 2008 at 10:52 PM

Myfourkids84-

Thank you. =) I wish I could go to my mother and ask for advice, but she raised all of her children like this. I saw how stressed she was growing up, rocking my brother and sisters to sleep..and I just don't want to do that. All of us had a really hard time going to sleep (even as teenagers!), and I just don't want this to happen to Kailyn.

(Original Poster)

[Tauna1208]

Sep. 16, 2008 at 1:50 AM

First off, you've done nothing wrong!!  Sounds to me like you just followed your instincts and did what came most naturally.  Only our modern society would tell you it's wrong to help your child fall asleep.  You know in 3rd world cultures they consider a child left to fall asleep on their own to be abuse?

Are you desperate to have another child soon?  From what I've read, it seems most children that are gently parented to sleep phase out of that need around 3 to 4 years of age, all on their own.  There are methods to gently encourage it to happen sooner.  Dr. Sears has good advice, and No Cry Sleep Solution (I think she might have one for toddlers).  Hmmm...there was also a good online article...I'll see if I can find and post it tomorrow.  I think the easiest way to start getting your dd used to a different routine is to get dad to help.  I think the key is to keep your dd feeling secure even during big changes in her life.  Oh, and no need for her to move out of your room if you like having her there.  Our ds recently turned two, and I still can't imagine having him in another room at night.  Some friends of ours co-slept w/ their first dd, then she happily transitioned to her own toddler bed in their room before their 2nd dd was born (soon after the 1st turned two).  The new baby spends some of the night in a co-sleeper, sometimes in their king size bed, and the first dd is allowed to come and go to parent's bed as she wants.  No complaints from any of them!

[MissCia]

Sep. 16, 2008 at 10:29 AM

Cry it out.

You can break anyone of a habit if you give it time.

Put her in her own bed. She will NOT like it at first, but eventually, she will get used to it.

When I lived with my mom after my daughters father hit me, and I moved home, she would get up during the night. Because are rooms were attached, she sensed my presence more than if her room wasn't so close to mine. And, she started waking up, and I would wake up and feed her or get her back to sleep so I could get up at 6 am for work.

But, eventually6, I could't do it anymore. I let her cry. And, eventually, she went back to her own ways.

[Treysmommy2]

Sep. 16, 2008 at 10:56 AM

I hate to say this, No offence, But MissCia is right.  Your Daughter will have to adjust. Better to start now before you have another Baby. If you wait till you have another child then your Daughter may think that it is all the new Babies fault Mommy don't rock her anymore and she may resent that. Don't stop rocking her cold turkey. Mabey start with explaining to her you can't rock her to sleep anymore, she is a big girl, and after Bath, lotion and book, you will rock her for 10 minutes. If she falls asleep faster then that, cut it to five.

There also other things to concider here. Do you plan to let your daughter have her own room at some point? Make it a big deal for her. Let her make her room how she wants it.  Reasure her that Mommy is still there, but she is a big girl now.  Either way this is a tuff one. Everyone is different, in their ways of doing this. There is no wrong way. I think  there is sometimes a struggle for us Mom's more then it is for our children. Another thing I would like to point out, is I am a Daycare provider. I have had alot of touble with infants who are used to sleeping with Mom and Dad, they won't even take a nap here. They scream all afternoon. Poor things are so tired and grouchy by 3 pm you can't do anything with them.

Myself, I NEVER let my children sleep with me, they always had their own rooms even as an infant. Thats why they made Baby monitors.  My Husband has always joked, "You could sleep thru a Bomb going off next to your head, but the second a Baby crys in the next room, your feet hit the floor." He has said he thought I would break my neck, jumping out of bed so fast, LOL. You just have to do what you feel is the right thing to do. A child never died from crying theirselves to sleep. None that I have heard of.   

    Good Luck!     

[Tauna1208]

Sep. 16, 2008 at 11:41 AM

Science has proved that CIO is damaging on a physiological and psychological level.  Here's a link that cites lots of research: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.asp

Of course, I'm not sure how this applies to a toddler, but I think it merits some thought before leaving any child to cry alone.  It isn't the crying that's damaging, it's the being alone while in distress.  I still say, I'd never leave my dh alone, or any family member, or even a perfect stranger alone when they're crying in distress.  So why my child?  That's why I said that if you can get dad to help, he can start taking over some of your dd's nighttime routine and be the one to get her to sleep.  Then even if she cries, she won't be crying alone.  But, depending on how 'stubborn' your dd is, be prepared for lots of crying and some stressful nights.  Me - I'd rather take the easy way out and let ds transition on his own.

Here's that other article I was thinking of: http://www.drjaygordon.com/development/ap/sleep.asp     It's actually about night-weaning, but I imagine you could get some useful ideas from it anyway.  The idea is more of a gentle transition to getting your dd to accept different routines.  Good luck!

Oh, one more thought.  Do this in stages...don't try to move her to her own room and expect her to put herself to sleep at the same time.  Pick which is more important and get that totally solid before you do the other.  I'd probably pick the getting herself to sleep....easier to pat her back to help her out when she's next to you, and that will probably be the easier new habit.

[Yersinia]

Sep. 16, 2008 at 1:13 PM

She needs to learn to fall asleep on her own, and you can help her do that. 

Try easing her into it.  I would start with rocking her until she is almost asleep, then putting her in her crib and soothing her until she is asleep.  When this works, put her in her bed with less and less rocking and soothe her (rub her back, whatever...mostly just be there).  After you phase out the rocking, you can begin to phase out standing there with her the same way, by saying "good night" or "have a good nap" softly and calmly walking out while she is almost asleep.  Then work your way to less asleep, etc.  Don't sneak out on her.

I believe that transitions like this are best done gradually.  If you just put her to bed wide-awake and leave her, it will upset and scare her.

Good luck!

[kailynsmommy87]

Sep. 16, 2008 at 2:36 PM

     Treysmommy2-

She does have her own room. It's a gorgous room that she LOVES to play in. I have it completely babyproofed, so if I could just get her IN the room, I know she will be safe. I do have a baby moniter also, and I will use that. =) Thank you all for the comments.

(Original Poster)

[kailynsmommy87]

Sep. 16, 2008 at 2:38 PM

Yersinia-

I am def going to try your approach. She doesn't sleep in a crib though, she sleeps in a toddler bed. I hope she wont get out of bed when I put her down almost asleep. I'm going to try your idea tonight. It sounds less painful for Kailyn. Thank you. =)

(Original Poster)

[Liyoness]

Sep. 22, 2008 at 3:59 AM

You have done NOTHING wrong and EVERYTHING right!!!!!

Who is the dumb fuck that told you that it is HEALTHIER for your child to go to sleep on her own?!?!

Do me a favour- I know you Americans are trigger happy- go get a gun and shoot them now!!!

Seriously, you're doing the absolute best thing for your child. It may be time to start weaning the rocking, but do it slowly.. Rock her through a story, and then lay down beside her... After doing that for as long as she needs (may be a week, may be a month, who knows? Yes, she may cry at first because you're laying down with her before she's rocked fully to sleep, but THAT'S OKAY!! The point is that you're still there beside her offering her comfort.. Lay on her bed with her and rub her back after that.. She'll get used to it..) Once she's graduated to being okay with a rock through a story and you laying down next to her, if you WANT to (and you don't have to!!!) then wean her off the rocking through the story.. Just lay beside her through the story.. Rub her back through it..

Eventually you'll just be laying next to her while she falls asleep, and there is nothign wrong with that!!!! When she's a bit older she'll feel secure enough to fall asleep with out you right there, but it doesn't have to be right now!

I'm due with my second any day now, and I still do this with my 2 1/2 year old- lay next to her to get her to sleep. Of course some nights I just wish she'd go to her own room and fall asleep, but gosh, she's only going to be young for so long- I already feel her independence pulling her away from needing me.. I'm going to enjoy these moments together while I can.

STAY AWAY FROM THE BAD ADVICE THAT TELLS YOU TO ABANDON YOUR CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is absolutely NO logical reason to have to do this!!!!!!!!!!! Children grow up REGARDLESS of how much you love them through their childhood!!!!!!! There's no reason to feel like you're going to be rocking your 30 year old to sleep!! I don't even know where people come up with dumb crap like "if you don't 'teach' her to sleep now, she'll never learn." Your daughter sounds QUITE happy, and you sound like you're doing an AWESOME job!