It's all catching up....

[fantusy]

When my mom passed away I was forced to develop my "coping" skills (which I'd never had to even consider before this). The method that I seem to have chosen for myself was that of AVOIDANCE. I've become the Master of avoidance since then. 

When a memory would decide to creep up on me my automatic response was to push it aside where it could be forgotten for the time being. The funny thing about "avoidance" is that those things you're trying to skirt around never truly go away. They just lurk around waiting for the most horrible of moments to resurface (like, in the grocery store when you're reading greeting cards!) Every thought, memory and emotion is still there, pushed into a small, cramped, over-filled little room in the back of my mind, threatening to burst out and any given time.

I've known from the beginning that avoidance was the aid that I was using to make it through my days but it wasn't until a few days ago that it became apparent to me just how much I've used this and how badly it has taken it's hold on me.  I was sitting at my desk staring at a pile of past due or almost past due bills, and right next to it was a pile of hospital bills and then next to that was a yet another pile of letters that I've been meaning to respond to and sitting on top of all these piles was a "TO DO" list filled the whole page long with things that I've been writing down for weeks now.  I stared at them , feeling myself becoming overwhelmed and frustrated and then it happened....I told myself I would "do it later, think about it later, get back to it later" and I literally shut my brain off.....I pushed it all into the back of my mind and I walked away from the desk. 

My dependency on the ability to push things that are bothering me off to the side till a later time has finally reached up to bite me on the ASS! I was never this way!!! I can't believe that it has come to this point! I'm ashamed of myself and even more so.....I'm afraid of what's going to happen when that little room in the back of my mind has finally had enough things crammed into it and it decides to explode!  Because, eventually it will and then I'll have to actually face all these things that I've been trying to turn away from.

Will those who looked upon me with such pride in my strength and togetherness during my hard times turn their backs to me in disappointment? Will they even understand the potential damage that I've placed on myself trying to BE the person they think I am?

I wake up every morning wondering if today is the day that it will all catch up to me......and I beg for the strength to get through it... if it is.

[sokkamum]

Sep. 20, 2008 at 11:06 AM

Girl, I just wanted to let you know that I have used the avoidance coping mechanism most of my life, and when it did start to catch up, I had to take one thing at a time and deal with it.  It sucks and it's hard, but take it as slow as you are able to and deal with things as you can.  If you need anything, let me know!  Chin up... :)