I won't ever host a wedding again.

[Squirrell34]

About a year ago, a good friend got engaged.  She & I are close work friends, and I was very excited for her.  She was a single Mom, in her 40's, and had been trying to find a new boyfriend for 12 years.  None of them were right, and some were just plain wrong.  Her fiancee (in his 50's) and her seem to hit it off well, so I was excited for them.

Both work hard & have steady jobs, but due to circumstances don't have a lot of savings.  They both agreed to get married, and give my friend a traditional wedding, but on a smaller budget.  She started looking at outside venues, and mentioned to me how expensive they were.  I suggested she find someone's house to have it at (her sister, her mother, the house she was renting).  She assumed that meant MINE, and proceeded to tell people it was at my house.  OMG.

DH & I decided it was do-able.  And in February, I was asked not only to host the wedding, but to be added to the list of bridesmaids, which includes best friend (MOH) and 2 of her 3 sisters.  I call it being "called off the bench" like on a JV/Varsity sports team.  So now not only am I hosting this wedding, but I am in the wedding, assisting with the shower, and buying a dress.  With a 2 month old at the time.

Luckily it was only the wedding ceremony, and not the reception.  So we are all set to do this...

Dress picking was the start.  Took the ladies 3 months to figure out a dress.  Not only do I not care what I wear, I didn't want to drive 4 hours to Boston to try on dresses.  So the women pick a halter, which is going to look awful on all of us, 'cause we're all heavy chested. But I soldier on...

Next comes the wedding shower.  It was supposed to be a surprise.  Bride is harassed by MIL about the date.  Bridesmaids give her another date to throw her.  Mentions it to MIL.  When the actual date is put in the invite, MIL freaks out and calls bride & tells her that everyone thinks its the wrong date.  No surprise.

Day of the shower I think everything is going well.  3rd sister arrives (not in shower), immediately locks herself in the bathroom and asks for an entire bottle of wine.  Her 14YO daughter apparently got caught in bed with a 19YO, and sister #3 has a breakdown.  Spends the entire shower in the downstairs bathroom, rather than either not attending or going upstairs.

Between shower and wedding multiple issues arise.  Bridesmaid sisters & MOB accuse MOH of ruining shower (no sister 3 did that all by herself), tuxes aren't ordered until 1st week of Sept, MIL's fight over who wears what, limo gets cancelled, and MOH doesn't try on dress until week of.  (It did fit).  Not only that, I get 3 phone calls.  1 about MOH, 1 asking what the JP's address is (how the heck do I know!?!) and one about the dress being too long and if the aisle runner will work.  I suggest platform lucite heels.

Day before is rehearsal.  Entire wedding party shows up 1/2 hour late.  I entertain JP nicely.  None of the wedding party, including parents listens to JP go through the day.  After JP is done, proceed to drink beer in our driveway.  Leave my house @ 5, we leave @ 6.  By the time we get to bride/groom's house, dinner is still not even cooking.  Only drinks in the house are water & beer.

My parents spent an entire hour listening to a guy drink & tell them that legalizing pot is the right thing to do.  He said more expletives in a 1/2 hour than I've heard in my life.  Andrew is in the other room being fed.  Most of the bridesmaids were in with me, 'cause he was such an a$$.

Bride spent night drinking at American Legion hall.  Groom went to get trashed at a strip club.  Both woke up hungover.  Bride stopped drinking.  Groom attempted hair of the dog -- kept on going.

I get to bride's mom's house to get ready with the girls.  We get photos and get to my house at 2:30.  My husband is helping to direct traffic.  Some groomsmen in the meantime move a cooler to the side of the house and start getting/staying trashed.  My parents don't see this until later 'cause they're taking care of Andrew.  Us bridesmaids don't see this 'cause we're busy getting the bride in the house and corsages set up.

Wedding goes OK.  Except for crazy relatives who decide to stand behind JP and take photos of the ceremony instead of the professional photographer, and all the groomsmen wearing sunglasses.  During photos more beer is drank.  I'm busy with my son who is now awake.  A bright note is that Andrew wanted to walk around the yard.  So I took him over to the bride.  Apparently the photographer was getting some very nice shots of me walking with Andy-man.  I hope that I am still friends with the bride long enough to get a proof.  :-)

Let me paint the picture.  Bridal party looks nice, even with sunglasses.  Moms & Grandma's look nice too.  There are no Dads or Grandpas, sorry.  Most of the adults over 30 are looking presentable.  There are a few exceptions; a handful of black jeans, but for the most part khakis or a suit.  Kids start to get sketchy.  The 2 sons are in tuxes.  The daughter is wearing a skin tight pink stretchy dress with hooker heels, and a black thong.  She should wear nylons 'cause her legs are all pockmarked & bruised and the dress goes up mid-thigh, but then again she's wearing a black thong and a skin tight dress made from underpants-style jersey knit.  Bridal party girlfriends are all wearing super short dresses with no nylons and hookerish heels.  Again slinky dresses that are too tight and too short.  And the girls all bend over to pick things up & show their buttcheeks.  Bride's side of the family is staying sober.  Groom's side is picking up bud lights & pounding them.  Realize that they have been drinking BEFORE the wedding and just can't see starting a fight with drunk people knowing they're leaving my house in less than an hour.  See groom's Mom polish off a bud light, pound her chest & belch. WOW.

I revised my alcohol policy when I see bride's 15 YO son being offered beer by his step-sister, who's 21+.  I ask him if he's comfortable drinking, he says yes.  I said, "If you want to not drink, I will be the
heavy and tell her no for you so you aren't put on the spot.  He says, I'm OK."  That was it; his Mom was told, and daughter was confronted and told not to serve him.  I  was livid.. She gave me lip, I told her it was my house, you are under my rules.  She called me a uptight old bag.  I told her that when she pays my property taxes & mortgage, she can make the rules.  If she doesn't like it, she's not needed for any more photos and can leave.  Bride asked me what was going on; I told her.  Son has apparently been harassed all night & all day long for not drinking.  Apparently he had had enough peer pressure.  I feel bad for the kid.

They all go to their cars, and drink more beer.  I deal with my son who is battling a head cold & low grade temp. 

By the time we got to the reception, we had no idea what happened, but Bride mentioned that they had "Worked things out". MOH fills me in on what happened when I arrive.  Apparently groom's 19YO son was supposed to not drink to be their DD.  That didn't happen, and he was upset when he found out he couldn't drink, 'cause they were carding at the reception.  He said he wouldn't go.  So Groom says he's not going either.  Bride is devastated.  MOH lit into him.  Which she should have.  It was just sad.   Bride & Best Man & Son ride in the back, MOH & Groom in front.  So glad I wasn't there.

The reception went poorly.  No real order.  Karaoke background music playing, and random people drinking and dancing on the dance floor.  Mostly the groom and his drunk daughter.  Another bridesmaid talks to the bartender to "cut her off". He can't let her stay if he does, so instead offers to weaken her drinks.  She catches on ( or finds out?) and switches back to beer.

The good thing about the reception is it gave me time to catch up with 2 friends from work I haven't seen since I moved jobs.  And another good thing -- we all had the same take on groom's daughter and ceremony and reception.  Which is good that I was not spending my time in an alternate parallel universe.  Physics rules still apply.

We wait around for a good 2 hours before dinner.  Then we start toasts.  The Best Man says something like, "If this is what you want, good luck & good for you".  Groom then stands up and says a speech.  Takes him 10 minutes.  He begins with talking about something near & dear to his heart -- we all think Bride, but no -- it's COMPOSTING!  Yes.  Return to the earth. Some indian quotes.  Then talk about when Jesus comes back he wants to be known as someone who took care of the earth.  Talk about polar bears.  Then the apocalypse - we're getting 3 headless horsemen (I thought it was 4 w/heads, but oh well, I guess budget cuts made it 3 no-heads).  Still no talk of the bride.  Then Hurricane Katrina.  And an argument between the bride & groom whether Louisiana was the state, or the city.  Groom swore that it was Louisiana, New Orleans.  That New Orleans was the state.

I downed an entire vodka collins during the speech, and hit ice cubes 1/2 way through.  I don't think you could hear the slurp over the speech luckily.

So we eat.  Groom's daughter makes a scene that they pulled the potato chips in from the appetizer bar; she wanted some with dinner.  Then we dance.  This is awful.  Dirty dancing with Mom & Groom, daughter & groom.  Eww.  While they do that, me & remaining bridesmaids window chalk & shaving cream the car.  I feel somewhat vindicated.

Then we do cake.  Bride's Mom makes the cake.  It is lovely.  Groom's daughter mashes her dad in the face, then gets it on bride's dress.  Again, what she's doing up there I don't know.  I give the groomsmen crap because I don't believe a 93-year old lady (Brides' grandma) should be passing out cake.  If there aren't waiters at the hall, the groomsmen & bridesmaids should do it.  They look at me stupid.  So I sit Granny down and pass out cake to all 50 guests myself.  Urgh.

Then musical groom wants to play songs for his bride.  It takes him 15 minutes to tune his guitar; why he didn't do it before I dunno.  But he does, and its awful.  Then he plays Folsom Prison Blues for his wife.  My husband said it was 'cause he heard the 3 headless horsemen coming, 'cause the Eagles Club wasn't composting our dinner trash.  LOL.

It's 7:30.  We've been there 3 hours.  Still no bouquet toss.  Why we need one I dunno.  But her sister -- remember the one who locked herself in the bathroom -- she gets the bouquet.  Groom spends a half hour with the darn garter toss.  First flips bride's dress up so high everyone can see her everything.  Then grabs the garter, and puts it on his head.  Then takes forever for him to do a fake strip tease/Mr. Roboto dance move while the guys line up.  1/2 the guys leave the line he takes so long.  Throws the garter and no one goes after it.  Finally groom's son picks it up & tries to put it on bride's son's head.  A mess.

By this time daughter thong has gone through the giddy, and clingy phases of drunkennes to the sobbing "I love you" phase.  Which will turn into angry belligerent sick phase soon.  I see my cue to get the hell out of there.  We leave.  I feign baby fever & phone call from Mom.  Baby is sick, but not feverish--but I can't handle any more shenanigans.  Granny sends me home with I swear 8 lbs of cake.  Lots of apologies from  Bride's side of the family -- they feel bad that groom's side was awful.  I feel bad that I wasted more than a day of my life away from my son for this mess.

I have no idea whether the bride will speak to me again.  But she shows up at work 2 Tuesdays from now and might call me beforehand, so we'll see... again, I have no qualms with her.  But probably will never open my home for a friend again, at least for a long long time.

[sarajo23]

Sep. 21, 2008 at 7:35 AM

OMGOODNESS what a disaster!  Im sorry hun!  Thats terrible! Sounds more like a frat party lol!

[dotgautier]

Sep. 21, 2008 at 3:48 PM

Oh, Squirrell! That is horrible. You poor thing, at least it is over now, and I hope you have fun apple picking!

[steamtrain1003]

Sep. 21, 2008 at 4:00 PM

Squirrell that is absolutly horrid.  And what scares me worse is the future for your friend.  You mentioned her other boyfriends sucked.  So this was the good one???? YIKES!  That sounds like one messed up family.  I think I would still have a headache.

[LoveMyDog]

Sep. 22, 2008 at 9:16 AM

Wow, hopefully your Sunday was better apple picking.  At least you don't work with the Groom's family! 

[Tigger013169]

Sep. 22, 2008 at 2:40 PM

I am sooo sorry!! You are such a wonderful, kind person and to have this all happen. Wow!! I am sure you won't do anything like this again for a very long time, if ever. It is a shame that they did this to you. What a mess. It does remind me of the Redneck Wedding show that is on CMT. I know you don't live in the south, but dang, it sure seemed alot like a redneck wedding. I hope you had fun yesterday with apple picking, much better. Hope Andy is better too!!

[Xynyth]

Sep. 22, 2008 at 3:06 PM

goodness! That took me forever to read because I was picturing every horrid moment lol! You're a bigger woman than I am, I would have left HOURS before you did. Sheesh. Good story though :)

[deenakate]

Sep. 23, 2008 at 11:35 PM

I hope that isn't any indication of how the marriage will be... if so.... stock up on tissues for your friend...UGH

not good

dk

[AligirlP]

Jan. 11, 2009 at 1:06 PM

Holy Moly! As I was reading I kept thinking I've been to one of those weddings but yours trumps mine! The guests at the one I went to were drinking beer during the ceremony and smoking cigarettes! The wedding was outdoors so they must have thought that was okay... ARG! People are so weird