My response to 10 things I hate about my kids

[AmysPureRomance]

I'll preface this by saying 2 things up front:

1. I realize that this post was meant with a humorous slant. I'm not an idiot, and, ignoring that she actually says she "hates" her kids, I can find some humor in some of the article.

2. I lost a daughter, full-term, stillborn. She died on her due date. So, perhaps my perspective of the "hate my children" article is a bit skewed from the rest of the world. Having said that, here is my opinion, for what it's worth (which, I realize, isn't much).

"OK, before you freak out over the headline: "How can you say you hate your kids?? I just LOVE being a mommy!!" Sorry, but you're probably the same woman who said it was "love at first sight" when you laid eyes on your newborn in the delivery room. Come on. How can you fall in love with a shriveled, crying, poop machine? "

My first child was born dead. Was it love at first sight? You bet. That's right. Not only did I fall completely, 100% head-over-heels in love with the two other shrivled, crying poop-machine's that came into my life from the moment that I heard their cries, but I loved a dead baby the first time that I layed eyes on her. I guess that makes me one twisted individual. But regardless, it's the truth.

"Anyway, that said, here are 10 reasons why I hate my kids:"

I am sure that when you say you 'hate' your kids, it's meant only that you hate these aspects of motherhood. We all have those moments; but to use the word hate... it hurts. I hate child molestors. I hate rapists, and intentional murderers. 'Hate' is such a strong, strong word, and taken completely in the wrong context here. I get annoyed with my kids. I even get pissed off at them sometimes. But never in a million years could I "hate" them.

"If you want to delude yourself, that's fine--maybe you've seen one too many Johnson & Johnson baby lotion commercials. The truth is, having kids is a huge pain in the ass, but most moms are too brainwashed to admit it."

I have to wonder... if most of the moms who read this were outraged and think badly of you, which mom is really the abnormal one?

"1. My car consistently reeks of rancid milk. So much for that new car smell."

-Take the rancid milk air freshener off of your rearview window. They expire after a little while.

"2. Because of them, I'll never, ever, ever, get my flat stomach back. I know they're to blame 'cause they were the last ones in there.  "

-You should check again; I'm pretty sure there's been cake, brownies, and ice cream in there, as well as chips and fries and loads of fast food, and all other kinds of things in there, too.

"3. In order to strap my toddler into his car seat, I have to use every ounce of my physical strength as if I'm subduing a psychotic mental patient. And I have the bites and scratches to prove it."

-Just a guess here. But if you have to fight him so hard to put him into the car seat that he's biting and scratching you, perhaps it's your discipline issue that's the problem, and not the kid.

"4. Because changing urine-soaked sheets and comforters when they've wet the bed isn't my idea of a good time. Just once I'd like to hear the sound of my washing machine NOT running. "

-I'd ask if you expected them never to poop or pee, but you already said that they were born "shriveled, crying, poop-machine's". But I'm sure that your own parents never had to change your wet/dirty sheets. You were probably born perfect.

"5. When they spit rejected semi-masticated food into my hands. "

-Hm. Maybe you need cooking lessons.

"6. When my toddler, mid-tantrum, drops to the sidewalk like dead-weight when I'm in a hurry. A walk generally turns into a drag. "

-Yup. Sounds like a typical toddler. Most of us just deal with it, and don't write a blog about it, whining to other moms that we hate our kids.

"7. Trying to pretend I give a sh*t about Pokémon."

-I have doubts, given your previous "hatreds" against your children, that you actually do pretend to give a sh*t about pokemon. Don't delude yourself. What you do, is sit there while your child is trying to share an interest with you, and say, "Yup." While you push him/her out of the way of the TV.

"8. If it weren't for them, I would never have to set foot in that demonic mouse palace known as Chuck E. Cheese."

-You poor thing! You actually have to sacrifice some of your time to do something fun for your kids?!? Gosh I feel so bad for you!

"9. My once beautifulcouch, walls, and drapes are covered in peanut butter and fluorescent Play-Doh."

-Again, I have to go back to your discipline policy. If you give a child play-doh, you sit and play with them. You don't leave them unattended while you go watch TV.

"10. I used to really like to have sex--that's how I managed to pop out two kids in the first place. Now I'm so tired, I'd rather stick a fork in my eye. "

-You may as well. You're obviously not watching your kids, since they get play-doh all over your couch walls and drapes.

"Recently, I wrote a post called "10 Reasons I Hate my Kids." It received a flood of comments. Apparently, many of our readers were furious at me for not Loving. Every. Single. Minute. Of. Motherhood. These super human moms, impervious to even the slightest feeling of "buyer's remorse" when it comes to their little angels, felt perfectly justified criticizing my parenting complaints:

"I feel sorry for the children of any mother who would ever claim to hate them."
 

"Not wanting to have sex anymore is NOT your child's problem. That is a problem with you and your marriage."
 

"And for not having a flat belly, well that's just your fault for sitting on your behind and not doing anything about it."
 

"I totally do NOT agree with this woman. I love my kids and everything about them. I love Chuck E. Cheese!!!" "

Did you really think that writing an article called "10 Reasons I Hate My Kids" was going to be received with a warm response? Just curious.

"And many, many more. So for you perfect mamas, I have compiled my list of 10 Things I Hate About You. Yes, you."

I have serious doubts that any of the women who responded think that they are perfect. I just think that they have more of a focus on their own children than you do. Which isn't necessarily bad, it's just different than you. Which, apparently to YOU is bad. But it's really not. It's really okay to be different than other people.

"1) You never show up at the park without your colorful compartmentalized snack trays loaded up with finger foods from each of the five food groups. Watching you doling them out to your kids, I wonder if you think you're hosting a cocktail party for midgets."

-So you hate Supermom because she provides nutritious meals for her kids. Interesting. I'm sure that you only feed your kids candy and ice cream all the time, right?

"2) Your car is covered in bumper stickers announcing each and every achievement of your gifted child. Why stop there? Affix a sticker to tell the world your kid's potty trained: Proud parent of a kid who can wipe his own ass!"

-You hate Supermom because she proudly displays her kids accomplishments. I'm sure that you've never displayed a picture on the fridge, or a potty chart on your bathroom door. "Proud parent of a kid who can wipe his own ass," indeed.

"3) Your diaper bag matches your outfit, which matches your manicured nails, which matches your burp cloths. And when your baby does spit up (I'm sure it rarely happens, oh, perfect one) I half expect it to be in the same color scheme as your Bugaboo. "

-You hate Supermom for coordinating. I'll bet your clothes never match, right?

"4) Because, hyper-organized freak that you are, you put your kids on the waiting list for preschool before you even conceived. Now, I'm unable to find an opening within a 150-mile radius of my home and must commute to a different time zone to find a decent school. "

-You hate Supermom for ensure that her children get proper education. I'm sure that you showed up on the first day of preschool at whatever school you passed on the way and just dumped your kid off there when you found one with room.

"5) Waiting in line at Target, you feel it necessary to bestow me with your unsolicited childrearing advice. Hey, if you're so knowledgeable about parenting, write a book. I won't buy it, but when it's for sale on Amazon I'll be sure to give you a much-deserved one star review. "

-If you're in line at Target and someone gives you childrearing advice (which I can say has never happened to me), perhaps you need the advice. Just sayin'. (again.) I never gave unsolicited advice, but it's not exactly a gleaming mark on your parenting report card to hear a mother screaming over and over and over again at her child and not doing a damn thing to actually STOP the behavior.

"6) Must you really blather on that your children have never even seen a television, let alone watch one? What do you do with your kids at night--flip through a picture book version of War and Peace? "

-I'm not surprised that you'd be curious to know what non-television families do at night. *As a hint: this would be the time to listen when they talk about pokemon or play Play-Doh with them.

"7) Every year, must you inflict us all with your annual holiday "brag letter?" This year, cut to the chase and give it a new title: "Why I Think My Family is Better Than Yours.""

-It's all a matter of perspective, I guess. When I get a holiday letter, I assume it's other people keeping me up-to-date with what has happened to their family all year. If I felt that it was someone telling me that they were better than me, I'd have to take a step back and wonder why it is that I have such an inferiority complex.

"8) I don't know how you got your pre-baby body back, but I'm thinking it involved a knife and a hefty credit card bill. How much is vaginal rejuvenation these days anyway?"

-You hate Supermom because she's skinnier than you. Yes, it must have been surgery, because all those diet and exercise books that you bought never worked. They just sit there on the shelf while you get fatter.

"9) Because regular sleepaway camp isn't good enough for your kid. You've got to send them to Tennis Camp, Astronaut Camp or Throw Your Money Away Camp"

You hate Supermom because she sends her kids to a camp that focuses on their interests. There really isn't anything wrong with regular sleepaway camp, but I'd be willing to bet that if you HAD the money to send your kids to Astronaut camp, and it was their main interest, you'd do it.

"10) Finally, if you've ever said anything resembling this statement "Since I've had kids, I love having sex more than ever," then come on over to my house and have sex with my husband. I'm beat."

-Gee, that certainly says NOTHING against the reason why your sex life stinks. No, it really doesn't. The rest of us never have to work on our sex lives. It just comes naturally. We're never tired, either. Seriously, we're not.