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Adoption DOESN'T Justify Abuse
- Sep 27, 2008 at 10:38 PM
- By
- Comments (9) Total Views (183) Everyone can see this journal post.
I never thought there would come a time in my fight for adoption reform that someone, or many someones, would have the power to silence me.
I learned early on how to take the painful statements made in regards to my situation and turn them around to give me more strength to continue the fight. How to reach out to those I trust to find the courage to continue on no matter what the battle faced.
But I find myself struggling when it comes to dealing with the hurtful comments and disregard toward my oldest son who I lost to adoption. I find myself silenced by not only the heartwrenching grief of some of the words aimed toward him but also by a shock that so many see no problem with trying to ignore and sweep his mental and physical abuse under the rug where it can't be heard or acknowledged.
How could anyone ever see this as right? Is adoption truly seen as such a wonderful, amazing thing that child abuse is not faced with the same disgust as it would be in any other parts of society? Does my son's hell count less because his abuse came at the hands of his adoptive aparents? Does that somehow absolve them of the terror they dished out?
Why?
That's the question I want answered. Why do so many here find it so easy to not give a damn about what this amazing son of mine faced? Why do they go out of their way to ignore his pain, his hell, all in the interest of keeping adoption in the happy light it now resides in.
Outside of adoption, would anyone ever dare tell a mother to get over the abuse her son has suffered? Would she ever be told she needs to shut up about what happened? Would her child's physical and mental pain be so easily accepted and eagerly ignored?
So is my son a sacrifice so the other mom's out there wanting to believe in the best can keep up their story? Is he laid on the altar for all to rip in to make sure adoption remains such a wonderfully seen option? Does the gain in adoption justify disregarding his pain and suffering?
I hate that. I hate even thinking that. But what else could it be. How else could anyone ever justify trying to silence me when it comes to talking about his abuse?
Damnit. My son matters. And I'm so, so tired of those who don't want to believe or acknowledge this.
Child abuse is child abuse, no matter what situation it falls under. And the plain and simple fact is my son has been and continues to be abused. And he faces this hell BECAUSE of adoption. To deny this. To try to shut me up about this is just so very wrong!!!!
And I can no longer understand how ANY mom can ever be so disrespectful and cruel when it comes to the abuse another mom's child has faced.
Adoption does not justify abuse of any kind. It never should. Child abuse is wrong, no matter what. And trying to silence those who have seen the affects of this horrible act on their own child proves nothing but one's uncaring nature because of their hopes for their own personal gain and not the true pain an innocent child has suffered.
Tags: abuse, adoptee, adoptee abuse, adoption, adoption reform, adoptive parents, birthmother
Comments:
Just as our lives are to be sacrificed and minimized, some people want to do the same to our children. Far too many people in this world think adoption does SO much good, that a few sacrifices here and there are to be expected.
You are 100% right though, child abuse is NEVER acceptable. When I hear aparents complaining about how probing home studies, etc. are, I have virtually NO sympathy. If we are to condone taking a child from one mother and giving it to another mother, we SHOULD place the new mother under the greatest of scrutiny. It makes no sense to place a child in a home that has not been as thoroughly screened as possible. Even then, we must realize that it is easy for some paps to cover up things, and that adoption guarantees nothing.
I too am sorry that people seem to care so little about what your son endures in the name of adoption. I think they just don't know any better.....can't think of any other logical explanation. Guess there is none really.
You are ABSOLUTELY, COMPLETELY, APPROPRIATELY, right on about this!!!
Abuse is abuse - and to silence the few suffering to keep adoption (or any other institution - remember the Catholic priesthoods recent struggle) all rosey and positive is not okay.
I'm so sorry my dear!
I am so sorry, sorry for you, so very sorry for your son.
And yes, Abuse should ALWAYS be apalling. And yes, it is very wrong for people to willingly dismiss the abuse of a child.
You said ..." Outside of adoption, would anyone ever dare tell a mother to get over the abuse her son has suffered? Would she ever be told she needs to shut up about what happened? Would her child's physical and mental pain be so easily accepted and eagerly ignored?"
I don't think it's just adoption, it's people unwilling to look thru the eyes of the victim. A family member of mine was sexually abused by her step-father. After she 'told', the one thing that everyone (church leader, and family members) said to her was ..."if it's not still going on, stop talking about it and be quiet."
Oh, I am so very sad for you and for him too.
sigh...
Am I reading this correctly, your son that you placed for adoption is being abused by his adoptive parents? I think I will cry now....that is really awful. You are right, abuse is abuse. I am so sorry. I do think people think abuse victims should "just get over it". It is not right, but it happens outside of the world of adoption as well. I am so so sorry.
((((((hugs)))))))) again to you and yours. I'm very glad to see you back
"Adoption Loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful" - The Reverend Keith C. Griffith, MBE"
Thanks for speaking OUT
Hi Cassi,
I don't know how I missed this post, but I'm so sorry someone said something that stupid and unfeeling to you. And I hate that J's pain has been trivialized in any way. As the others here have said, you are absolutely right - abuse is NOT ACCEPTABLE no matter how it happens, but I think it's especially tragic when it happens at the hands of adoptive parents. Because obviously the "system" is not doing it's job with home studies, background checks etc. You and others like you were told these were people you could trust. You knew they had (apparently) jumped through all the hoops as far as being safe people and you were lied to by them and failed by a system that SHOULD have seen through them.
How anyone could dismiss that is beyond me entirely.
(((MUCH LOVE TO YOU AND J)))
As an adoptive parent I am sad for you and especially for your son being treated so horrible.
But, there are 2 sides to most adoption stories.
We loved our adoptive son and loved the 15 year old that lost him to CPS and eventually asked us to adopt him.
She has now disrupted his life and ours.
That is also an abuse.
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