An open adoption dilemma I didn't expect...

[blessed3times]

So here's another scenario to be considered before an expectant woman chooses open adoption.

"The adoptive family could be committed to maintaining relationships with the baby's natural family and yet your child could STILL suffer from complicated family dynamics."

Case in point:

Tomorrow Joshua and I are going to spend the weekend with his paternal grandparents.  His half sister lives about a half hour away.  Every time we've been up there she has come and spent the weekend too.

Well a couple of nights ago her mother informed the grandparents that "C" could spend one night while Joshua was there, but not both nights.  No reason given.  Mind you they only get to see each other about every two months because we live about five hours away.  And yet she won't let her daughter come and be with her brother as much as she can.  And the mom is an adoptee herself!

Also, he has a half brother who lives up there too who is about eight months old.  Joshua has NEVER met him because his father's new wife won't allow it.  She also threatens to leave his father if he comes and sees Joshua while we are there.  She says they  "have their own family" and that should be enough.

I would like to slap both of these women.  How can they hurt innocent children?  Not just my child, but theirs as well.  What did my son ever do to them?

I know it goes without saying, but I am tremendously proud and blessed to be Joshua's mother.  I don't want anyone to think that when I tell stories like this that I am not incredibly grateful to have him.

I simply want to share stories such as this to illustrate that open adoption is not perfect - which is why I created the group  "Open Adoption Truths".  By sharing personal experiences, we can hopefully give an expectant woman as much information as possible.

I guess the point of my sharing today is this:  A child could have the opportunity to know his original family and there could still be things that will crop up and hurt him.  That's an occupational hazard of adoption - hurt is involved no matter how much we try to minimize it.

I certainly didn't foresee a woman I don't even know and may never meet hurting my child by keeping his father and brother away from him.  And I'm sure his firstmom didn't either...

And what I'm afraid of is that there are still hurtful things coming down the road for my son, no matter how much he is loved and treasured by both his families. 

 

[Davidsmom040907]

Oct. 2, 2008 at 11:26 AM

Very well said!!  You are so right. 

[jsarah]

Oct. 2, 2008 at 11:37 AM

I agree with what you have said in regards to your particular situation!

Although there are some positives to open adoptions, like the one my sister has. Her child was diagnosed with an extremely rare disease, having the open adoption allowed them to communicate openly with the biological family about getting help for the baby.

[PortAngeles1969]

Oct. 2, 2008 at 1:10 PM

Thank you for putting this out there!  My mother (adoptive) is just now coming to terms with the fact that doing everything "right" on her end didn't guarantee that I as an adoptee wouldn't at times be pained because of how adoption (not her parenting - but adoption) impacted me.

I'm NOT an ungrateful adoptee - quite to the contrary, I firmly believe that I have been blessed with parents who were really dedicated and at that time on the cutting edge of tending to the unique needs of adoptees.

That said, because "the miracle of adoption" is based FIRST in loss for some other family, adoptive parents need to be prepared for the continued presence of that loss in the midst of their joy. It's not all bitter and its not all sweet either - but can still be appreciated for what it really is.

 

[Foundatlast]

Oct. 2, 2008 at 4:14 PM

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Hopefully teaching us along the way.

[mommyheymommy]

Mar. 23, 2009 at 11:55 AM

Hurt is part of life, and sadly, we can't spare our children from it.  It comes at them from all sorts of angles...adoption or not.