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Of Bears, Tumors and Tidal Waves....
- Oct 3, 2008 at 5:55 AM
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- Comments (1) Total Views (38) Everyone can see this journal post.
Sleep.
It is such a precious commodity, and those among us who have it regularly, uninterrupted and throughout the entire night have no idea what a gift it is to them.
This is not to say that I never sleep, but I do have insomnia. And, when I do sleep, it's generally nightmares.
It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized that, throughout my life, I have had dreams of tidal waves. There was one moment where I remembered a dream that I'd had, involving a tidal wave, and then all of the other tidal wave dreams I'd had came washing over me. (Pun intended.)
Oddly enough, it seems that once I had that realization, the tidal wave dreams either stopped immediateliy, or very quickly after that.
Since then, my "overwhelming" dream symbol (since I assume that's what the tidal wave dream was all about) has been bears. Usually they are chasing me and don't quite catch me. Last night, the bear was in "my" house (although we all know that in dreams, "your" house is rarely ever literally "your" house). I managed to escape, but the bear ransacked the entire house while I was out of it.
I do study dream psychology (armchair, not professionally), so I know a bit about symbolism in dreams. Houses, in dreams, are quite personal. They represent "you" and different aspects of yourself. Just to break this down for you:
The attic generally represents your spiritual side. Going up into the attic often means searching for spiritual enlightment of some sort.
The basement/downstairs represents your subconscious, which I personally find funny; we dream from our subconscious, and if we dream of a basement (or a "downstairs") our subconscious is telling us about itself. Just kind of funny.
Bedrooms are all about either sexuality or sleep/rest.
Kitchens are about nourishment (not necessarily food, but "soul" food, as well)
The dining room is kind of like the kitchen; another kind of need for "nourishment".
The bathroom represents "cleansing" or a need for "cleansing" (obviously this doesn't generally mean you need to take a shower, but rather spiritual cleansing).
The living room is pretty boring; it doesn't necessarily "mean" anything, because most of us do our "living" in there.
Anyway, I was being chased by a bear last night, which is no real surprise to me. I have mentioned previously that I have pathophobia (irrational fear of disease), and every time that I have any kind of "symptom" of anything, I panic, it keeps me awake at night (more than usual), I cry, sweat, shake, and pretty much anything else until it either goes away, or I decide eventually (with a LOT of facts on my side) that it's nothing, or (if it's getting to the point where i think it might be life-threatening and NOT before) I go to the doctor and they "fix" me, either by calming my fears or prescribing something or whatever.
Having said that, I have a swollen lymph node in my neck that I discovered about six weeks ago. I am terrified that it's cancer. I constantly rub it, feel it, etc, (because I also have a form of OCD), and it hasn't gotten any bigger. It's not "big" anyway, but it's bigger, probably, than it should be. (I don't have one on the other side of my neck, so it's not something that comes in a "set"). It's maybe the size of a raisin. Anyway, now I'm terrified that I'm dying, I have cancer, and I'm terrified to go to the doctor.
I've sat for a very long time in the tub to ponder this, and here's what I've come up with:
1. My biggest fear is that I'll eventually have something major happen to me (like passing out, or the lump swells up to the size of a tennis ball or something) that I can NOT deny and must go to the hospital, where they tell me that it is indeed cancer, and it's stage four and terminal, and if I had just come in when I noticed it, I'd have been able to get treatment and be fine, but now I only have a month to live.
2. I do not want to leave my two precious, beautiful children motherless. I can't do that to them... I love them too much!
3. It's probably nothing. I heard a doctor once say that about 95% of the time, there is absolutely nothing "serious" wrong when people come in worried that something serious might be wrong.
4. IF it were cancer, I absolutely would need to know now, although it scares me into an anxiety attack thinking about going to a doctor to find out. But I would need to know so that I could get treatment right away.
5. Cancer isn't necessarily a death sentence, especially when found early. My Aunt-in-law, I'm not sure exactly what was wrong with her (I think it was some form of cancer, but not positive), but she had 3 organ transplants and is doing just fine. My mother-in-law is a breast cancer survivor. Loads of people have cancer and end up living long, long lives, dying of something else completely unrelated.
6. I'm young and strong. And if I face this fear, it will be a life-changing event for me; whether it's cancer or not. If it is, I'll be changing my life around for the wayyy better, and I'm positive that I'll savor every moment with those who I love. If it's not cancer (which is much more likely), I will have faced one of my ultimate fears head on and done something amazing for myself.
7. Last night while I was having a breakdown with my husband there to rub my back, he said, "What would you do if you found a lump on one of the kids?" I said, "I would take them to the doctor right away!" That kind of hit me hard... and it was the truth.
8. I live in fear of cancer on a daily basis. I can either continue to live in fear of it every. Single. Day. Or, I can go and find out it's nothing and relax, or worst case scenario there has been a basis for my fear and I can start treating it.
With all of this behind me, I should just call the doctor today and make an appointment to get it checked out.
So why do I have the feeling that I just won't do that? :( I need to, I want to... I should. I just have to make the decision to really do it.
Back to the bear chasing thing... I'm not surprised that I had the bear chasing dream last night, because last night was when I had an anxiety attack and was sobbing my guts out to my husband about it. Chasing dreams generally mean avoiding an issue. This lump, to me, is like a big scary animal that is trying to attack me, and I keep running from it instead of trying to face it head on.
It's time... I just need the guts to do it.
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Wow! You are very lucky to have never had a swollen lymph node before. Have you or anyone around you had a cold lately? Your lymph nodes swell when the white blood cells eat up bacteria and viruses that would otherwise make you sick. When they "eat" the "bad guys" they swell up. When enough of them swell, they cause your lymph node to swell and become tender. This little painful annoyance has really saved you from a worst fate of feeling sick all over. Generally, they are not a concern. If you have several in the same region of your body swell, then I would worry about lymphoma. One swollen node, the size of a raisin most likely isn't a cause for concern. I would recommend going to the doctor so that he can put your mind at ease. May I also encourage you to discuss with him your constant fears and anxiety. I used to suffer from severe anxiety and even panic attacks. Medication can be a life saver and give you the clear-headedness you need to evaluate what is causing your anxiety so that you may seek help for the underlying problem.