OMG...I wanted to beat the crap out of my son tonight!!!!!

I don't know what the hell I am doing wrong (other than our days lacking sufficient activities besides watching television and reading books), because we have subsisted on our daily routine for a while now. Even my mellow and mild-mannered baby girl is beginning to show her rebellious side because she refused to go to sleep either, and it wasn't until her brother stopped crying and finally laid down after 30 minutes of non-stop screaming, kicking, and yelling did she settle down herself. I don't know. As far as I'm concerned I would have left him on the floor, which I did at first to make a point that I would not give in to his demands, but when he called out to me to come to him, I had to react because he was addressing me, and I know I would hate it if the person I was talking to ignored me. I am trying to see it from his point of view and still be firm and loving. Hard to do at the same time. And I have the shortest temper and least amount of patience between myself and his father. I sometimes wish he didn't have to work the graveyard shift so he could be around during the times when I need him the most, (it's a struggle to go from one kid to the next when both have different needs at different times)  but I really do appreciate his presence & company during the day, so I suppose it's a compromise. Engh. But that's another story.

I was just super frustrated tonight mostly at myself because I feel I am not doing enough (obviously I admit) in rounding out their day and making the most of their energy and just basically being able to give them some kind of challenge every day. EVERY DAY. Gawd, that is so intimidating! I know I shouldn't complain because I have nothing else that takes up my time as far as working outside the home on top of being a mom, but geez, I am having a hard enough time maintaining my personal hygiene as it is and I also have to plan these activities ahead?! If I knew I was going to be a mom, housewife, etc. etc, I would have chosen to major in liberal arts, i.e. teaching and other classes pertaining to childhood education and development! Because, really, that's what it is, and when you're cluttered like me, well, everything just goes out the window.

I really hate myself when I get to the point of rage and just yell at him, even after reading about how I, as the parent, should stay calm, firm, and collected. Redirect...redirect...guide, don't punish. But there is no freakin' way you can make a 2 year-old understand that he can not have his bottle (yes, shame on me, he still has a bottle at night) because he had chewed off the nipple yesterday morning. None, there's just NO way. Both our voices were starting to become hoarse, him from crying, me from yelling. It was a disaster! I am always remorseful right after he falls asleep. So, what do I do? I blog, so I can learn from myself. Of course, I am now, more fervently than ever before, searching for programs geared towards toddler and pre-school age, specifically for the no income/low income household because Lord knows we sure as heck cannot afford standard preschool right now, and at the rate these moffos charge! What the hell?! Their tuition, especially for a non-potty trained child alone was MORE than my church-school monthly fee. Goddamn! Ugh...anyway, hopefully I will be able to find one within our budget and be able to take him on a weekly, if not daily, basis. I KNOW it is because of insufficient physical activities and mental challenges that they act the way they do (not to mention the fact that I am with them 24/7. There is never a time, at least not regularly enough, when I am not with them, so I bet that plays a part. I wonder if kids get tired of being with their parents? I mean as babies and toddlers!). There is only so much of walking to the park/playground, and biking around on the sidewalk we can do everyday without it getting boring. Oh yeah, and I did forget to mention that we don't have a car right now, right in the middle of suburbia and there's no freakin' way I am walking more than a mile with kids in tow, one in a stroller and the other one in her carrier. Nope!

So basically, I'm checkity-checking myself, before I wreck myself! Ha! It's good to see how I am doing when I write it out this way. As I write, I see my flaws and mistakes from an objective point of view. It's good. I have resolved to anticipate these crazy meltdowns and problem areas by 'planning ahead', as much as my energy-sapped self can muster (starting with getting on the same resting and sleeping schedule so I have enough patience to weather their hysterics--no more staying up late like this!--I am a major bitch without enough sleep...same with food! Go figure!). Goodness, I cannot imagine what it must be like for Jon & Kate, as in 'JON & KATE PLUS 8'! Well, I can't really say that because if it had happened to me, I'd just do what I would have to do. Those kids are very lucky to have a super-anal mother like Kate! I'd LOVE to be as organized as she is! 8 kids. Geeeez. Okay, I'm done ranting. But I wasn't really ranting. Just...oh...I'm going to bed!

I love my life...I love my life...I love my life...I love my life!

I LOVE IT! 

Tags: challenges, tantrums

Add A Comment