Grrrr! Irritated!

I am so mad that Avery has hurt me so bad. I feel like I will never heal! It isn't just the way that he died that hurts, it's YEARS of being treated terrible that I have to deal with now, too. I did what I had to do while he was alive, cuz I loved him. I hoped that everything would one day be better. He promised me that he would grow up...someday. So I kept going with it. We had kids together, so I wanted our family to be together. I didn't want step-parents, or custody battles, or kids having to go from one place to anther every weekend or whatever. I wanted OUR family! And, I didn't want a nasty custody battle, cuz he would have done that just to be rude! So, I stayed. I knew that I shouldn't have, I should have left, but I couldn't help it. I loved him! Toward the end, I don't think we were "in love" anymore, but I sure did love him. Cared for him, wanted him happy, didn't know what he wanted, so I didn't do anything, just stayed there...

So now, here I am grieving my heart out. I found him, I watched him take his last breath, I was treated like crap by him, he left me, 8 months pregnant and with a little boy already, I watched my little boy tell his daddy goodbye...his daddy who he adored, even though his daddy didn't give him the time of day 95% of the time! I hear my little boy cry for his daddy. He gets upset and misses his daddy. I hear him want his daddy to be alive again. I hear him want his daddy back, to not be dead anymore. I get to deal with all of that! So on top of my own hurt, I have a little boy hurting, and THAT hurts more than anything. You have your own things to deal with, you deal with them as you do, but your children, when THEY hurt, especially when their hearts hurt and they don't know why, THAT is so painful to watch!

And then, here I am, in this relationship...I have this GREAT boyfriend. He is everything that I ever wanted! No drugs, doesn't neglect me for his friends, loves my kids, takes care of all of us, had dreams and plans for US in the future. The only downfall is that he had some pain issues, so he is now coming off the pills, which make him really uncomfortable, so he doesn't get out of bed much, but that will end. It's not an empty promise, like I'm used to, it's for real....BUT, I can't show anything! I feel like I'm in a foreign land here, and I dont' know how to be. I've only been with ONE person, and that was like we were teenagers the WHOLE TIME! So I have never been in a "grown up" relationship. The 2nd time around, we tried to make it "grown up"...but again with the drugs and the alcohol and the friends constantly...what is that? Oh yeah, teenager behavior! That's how we started out, so that's what it always came back to...

Why the heck could I show so much love and affection to someone who couldn't care less about me, and I can't show anything to the person who is PERFECT for me? I'm going to mess it up, and I'm so not trying, but how long can he wait around and not get anything back from me? And yeah "just jump in Mary, don't look back" SO easy to SAY, but when you get all the images and feelings and thoughts through your head like I do all day everyday, it's much harder to DO!

I guess I feel like I am betraying Avery and the kids if I jump in...which is BULLSHIT! Who REALLY betrayed WHO?? Huh????? And then, it's not even really a concious thing that I'm holding back. I know I'm doing it, and when I try to be all lovey dovey and snuggly, it just doesn't WORK! HA!

I just don't know. I feel trapped and confused and stupid.

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