Memories about suicide and how I got through it... (may be TMI for some)

[reluctantdragon]

I was in my son's room tonight cuddling my youngest because he had a horrible dream and was crying really bad. I was thinking to myself how I am so blessed to be a mom with two wonderful children that loves me and cares for me no matter what I put them through in the past. Life is precious and I never realized it till now. I have had a hard life and I have taken it out on myself. In my life I have never realized that people do care about you and love you for who you are. It has taken me almost 28 years to figure it out. I turn 28 in December of this year. Why couldn't I have learned it sooner? This is my story and I hope I don't offend anyone for telling it.

Over the past fifteen years I have been having problems with Depression. It got worse not long after I became pregnant with my first son Marton, our 5 year old little boy. Often I couldn't tell you what day it was or even what month it was. At first for me to feel alive, I would cut or burn myself. My arms and wrist looked like a ax murder came after me. At first I had no intention of killing myself. I just wanted to feel pain to know I was still alive. I would get so depressed sometimes that I can't clean my house or even get out of bed. The only time I would get out of bed was if I had to make meals or take my kids some where. My husband did most of the work.

In 2005 I had enough of how I was feeling. I felt overwhelmed, emptiness, sadness, lack of interest in things, I couldn't concentrating and I couldn't sleep or I would over slept. I had my mind set on suicide and suicidal thoughts. I didn't care if I died. I didn't care if any of my family would care. I didn't even care what would happened to my little boy. I finally went to my Dr. on Hill Air Force Base and talked with her about how I was feeling. I told her that if she would just take my son off my hands then I won't have to worry about him. My husband had his 3 month classes during this time in Ft. Jackson, SC. The doctor new that if she let me be alone I would kill myself right then and there. The base military police were called and instructed to escort me to the local Hospital and check me into the psychiatric ward. I was so mad and angry that I was alive. I didn't want to be alive. I was yelling at God to please take my life away. I was yelling at the poor nurses and doctors and blaming them for everything. I was not thinking clearly at all. Finally with the help of the doctors, therapists and medication, I realized that people do care and they do love me. I found out that I had Bipolar and that that was why I was feeling like I had been. Now that I have been on medication I have felt so much better and I have a normal life now. I didn't before, it is like a huge cloud just lifted off my head.

I just look at my kids right now and think to myself how bless I am. But at the same time I am thinking, “Why God do you trust me after what I went through, and put my oldest through?” I am just so great full that we get second chances in life. I have never enjoyed it like I do now. I see my child all cuddled up to me asleep and all I can do is just cry like a baby. It just brought back a lot of memories that I have tried to get rid of during my life.

I am just going to end by saying, God knows you and loves you no matter what you do or the choices you make in life. He is always there lifting you up when you need it. The catch is though, you have to be willing to ask for his help in getting yourself through the tough ones.

I hope this didn't offend anyone. I pray for all those who are going through this that they will get help and find out that life is not all that bad.

[marie111594]

Oct. 6, 2008 at 2:38 AM

I too am Bipolar and I have also went thru the hell you described. Second chances are a wonderful thing..I am grateful for mine!

[Assila]

Oct. 6, 2008 at 2:51 AM

I to am bipolar and it was my daughter that saved me from my self! She gave me a reson to live-some days are bad but when days are good they are really good!

[forgach]

Jan. 23, 2009 at 10:02 PM

 I needed to read this tonight. Things have been rough lately for me and I have often wondered if it all even matters anymore or if god is even  listening to my  prayers anymore.. Thanks for sharing.

[momoftwinboys74]

Feb. 27, 2009 at 1:16 PM

I have had big problems with depression in the past - had a really crappy past and it just messed stuff up also had super bad run in with post partum depression after my twins. Got help and wow thank God! I just wanted to say I am so glad you are here- thank you for staying. I lost very dear friend to suicide- it is so hard for those of us left behind. It has been 12 years and I still miss him.

Take care God Bless

[reluctantdragon]

Aug. 2, 2009 at 1:42 AM

Thank you to all who have read this and commented. I now know that I am not alone in how I felt. If anyone is having a hard time don't be afraid to get help.

Lots of love.

(Original Poster)