Are Breastfeeding Moms Set up to Fail???

[Angela4boys]

 I have exclusively breastfed all four of my children (more than 5 years in all!).  But I must say that I feel like Breastfeeding moms are set up for failure.  My first child was a poor nurser, in fact it took me two MONTHS to get him to latch on.  I had no clue how bad engorgement would hurt, or how raw my nipples would get (or that they would bleed and the baby would spit up blood)...even with a proper latch.  Regardless of what lactation consultants tell you.  I don't know about you, by prior to nursing my nipples NEVER got that much stimulation, regardless of how vigorous my spouse was ;).  I went to the classes, read all the books, and had a lactation consultant.  It seemed that everyone failed to mention how hard breastfeeding would be.  They tell you what should happen, or even the things that could go wrong, but don't tell you the emotional stress it causes on Mom, and sometimes the family.  Had I not been stubborn, I would have never in a million years stuck it out two months to continue working on getting my baby to latch on.

Whenever I have a friend who is talking about breastfeeding I always tell her to plan on it sucking (no pun intended).  I go on to clarify that it gets better with time.  I think you have to set yourself up for the worst, to mentally prepare BEFORE the baby gets there, and you are mentally and physically exhausted.  I tell them that after a few days it hurts like hell, not necessarily because the baby is latched wrong, but your poor boobies are raw! That although every book I ever read said my milk would come in in 2-3 days, and mine didn't come in until the 5th day.   Never mind the part about the fact that everyone seems to ask you "how much" your baby is eating as opposed to "how long."   As a breastfeeding Mom, we don't know "how much," as these jugs don't come with ounces markers on them...and how scary it can be not to know how much.  That at around 6-8 weeks you will THINK your milk has dried up because the baby is nursing constantly, and you will THINK that you can't provide enough and that it is a growth spurt and in a few days things do get better.  That for some reason nobody seems supportive of your efforts.  They encourage you to go against your instincts and give bad advice...and because you are tired you give in (sometimes this ends your nursing career).   Also that breastfeeding babies don't always nurse every 2-3 hours, because breastfeeding is more than nutrients, it is comfort too.  So, if it seems like you have been hooked up to your baby for 24/7, that is normal and ok, and can suck when it seems like you can't get a thing done...but things get better, and it doesn't last forever! :)  and yet  :( 

I honestly felt like my whole support system was against me.  The lactation consultant telling me that baby must be latching on wrong if my nipples were sore (soooo wrong, I just needed to build up so calouses...LOL).  My husband telling me "well, maybe he just doesn't like it!"  as the baby was screaming.  My mom telling me to pump and give him a bottle...bad, bad, bad for a newborn trying to learn some new skills.  Or a nurse at the hospital telling me to supplement with formula or glucose.  I know that all of them were well meaning, and all of them wanted me to succeed and yet they all had me on the brink of giving up.  Nobody tells you how much of your emotions are tied up in your ability to successfully breastfeed.

It seems that all the friends that I have prepared for the worst, have gone on to successfully breastfeed at least to a year, but mostly beyond.  I never want to discourage them, and it can sound so discouraging I am sure.  But I don't want them to feel like something is wrong, give up, and just turn to formula.  I personally think that is why a large portion of breastfeeding moms don't last past the first week, or month if they are lucky.  I know that nobody wants to mention these things because they don't want to discourage and scare them, but I think  it's important to know how HARD breastfeeding can be.  That stereotypical image of a mother nursing her calm and peaceful baby, doesn't always start that way...most likely it is going to begin with both baby and Mommy crying...but it gets better.  That although it is natural, it doesn't always come as second nature...and THAT is normal!

[aschwer]

Oct. 7, 2008 at 5:55 PM

wow! Your post is exactly how I feel! Thank you for writing it! I bf my first born for only 4 months before giving up, and now my dd is strictly on formula and has been since about 3 weeks of age. I really wish I had read your post before children, and had someone also tell me how hard it is. You are right, you will cry, you do feel your baby isn't eating enough especially when they eat every hour, not 2-3 like they would have you believe, and your boobs ache so bad it brings you to tears. My experience had been that no one talked about the difficulty in breastfeeding, and how you will have very hard days and sticking it out will be for the best, in fact, everyone I ever spoke to about it (friends, pedicatricians) all made it seem so easy and natural and comforting. Maybe comforting for the baby, but really hard for me. Again, thanks for your post, I do hope it helps other moms feel they aren't alone who also have difficulty breastfeeding. Unfortunately, I let my hard time sway me to formula because with my second born, after telling a new pediatrician that my dd would feel on one, go to the other, not be full, so back on the left and then right again, only to have her STILL hungry and therefore repeating it for the 3rd time, was not normal. She was the first pediatrician I ever spoke to who 'gave up the secret' so to speak and agreed that breastfeeding wasn't supposed to be that difficult for me, so if I switched to formula to keep myself sane, then I had her support. Anyhow, I'm rambling, but thanks again, I hope you help more moms and moms-to-be out there understand how hard it can be, and the tears will happen. :)

[ElizEsco325]

Oct. 7, 2008 at 6:20 PM

BRAVO!!! You have put into words...what we as moms have felt...since the day we gave up breastfeeding :-( I too stuck it out for 3 week (that must be the this totally sucks mark) had I read this email, my view of it all might have changed. I have always regretted giving in and bottle feeding for my "sanity"...but I have made a promise to myself that no matter how bad it "Sucks" the next time... I plan on following through with breastfeeding because I have neverbeen... a quitter! :-) You want to know the saddest part...I do not have one friend who actually breastfeed... I know now that a strong "mother's who breastfeed" support system might have been exactly what I needed.... THANK YOU! :-)

[Haleygrrl]

Oct. 13, 2008 at 12:09 AM

I think the saddest thing in the world is that it IS hard...it's difficult beyond measure!  Especially when everyone around us would rather us give up than support us through the pain, the frustration, the sleeplessness, the pressure.  Even sadder? When women get through all of that...and then stop at six months...or a year.  I know the beginning was difficult, but it's a distant memory, whereas nursing a toddler....the easiest thing IN THE WORLD.  They let you know when it's exactly what they want, the can help you, the hold themselves in the perfect position.  :)  I wish I could tell women to stick through breastfeeding a newborn...it's the most rewarding, the most wonderful experience to remenisce, and it pays back tenfold.  Thank you for your post...it brought some difficult, yet wonderful memories to the forefront.  :)

[livewell]

Jul. 23, 2009 at 4:45 PM

Please note - to prevent cracked, bleeding and sore nipples, every time baby nurses, when they are finished, express a little milk and rub on the nipple. LET IT AIR DRY (yes - you have to let it all hang out ideally, but a loose blouse may work...just wait until it drys to cover with a bra)

This is FREE and it WORKS miracles!

[mammacjjc85]

Aug. 4, 2009 at 2:30 AM

I thought I was the only mom who went through this!  It was hard to breast feed my daughter for the first few weeks, then when I went back to work when she was 3 months old, I dried up from using the pump and trying to feed her (something wasn't working right).  Then with my oldest son I tried breast feeding him for a little while but stopped before he was even 3 weeks old.  It hurt SO bad that I literally had to hit my head on the wall to make my boob hurt less.  I remember crying and biting my lips everytime I had to try and feed him (which was more than usual because he wasn't latching correctly).  I was really not wanting to breastfeed my 3rd child, but decided "what the heck, I guess I can try for a little while".  I actually ended up feeding him for the longest and now I am pregnant again and really looking forward to having that bonding time with my new little one.

I regret not spending that time with my older 2 because I am SO close to my youngest (for now)  and though it hurt me the first 2-3 weeks with him, I didn't give up and I am so glad.  You can really see the difference in their growth as well.  Thank you for posting this and giving me the encouragement I needed to breastfeed my new little one.

[Cindymomofbgb]

Apr. 20, 2010 at 3:15 PM

Thanks, I'm glad I just came across it.  I am currently nursing my fourth child, he is 10 weeks old.  I nursed all of my children beyond 12 months my 1st actually just beyond 30 months.  To me is it's almost like having a full time job.  I haven't really ever pumped and I don't  know how a SAHM would have the time to bf and pump.  I do seem to forget the bad and only remember the good and I know it's the best for my children.  I do wish people were more honest about the difficulties of bf.  My recurring problem is bf in public.  I'm completely covered and yet people still stare/glare at me like what are you doing?  I've yet to see anyone bf in public but if I ever do I will definitely tell her how wonderful she is.  Thanks again for sharing.