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Choices
- Oct 9, 2008 at 9:35 PM
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Are my choices not my own to make?
If my choices do not match what you consider appropriate or best, does that make me a bad person or an unfit mother?
In high school I chose to walk a different path, take courses in the arts, remaining active in scouting, taking primarily honors courses and focusing on electronics. I was neither popular nor an outcast. I had very few close friends and many friends who only knew me in a certain environment. I easily drifted between groups and rose above the peer pressures many of my friends succumbed to. I did not party. I did not sleep around. I did not do drugs. These were all choices I made which formed a vast majority of my world view.
My husband and I made the choice to marry at 18 and 19. We were surrounded by people who disagreed with our decision because it would make our lives "too hard," or because we were "too young." We did not marry because I was pregnant or because of some trickery or jealousy between us. We married because we truly believed we had found our other halves and we were completely in love with each other, flaws and all. February will mark our nine year anniversary. We love each other more completely now having grown together as individuals and as a couple. I still think we made the right choice.
Two years after we were married, I became pregnant. We had discussed our growing desire to start a family and both agreed, while we couldn't afford a castle, we could provide a home for a family. That pregnancy resulted in miscarriage. We were urged to wait. To give ourselves time to grieve and heal. "At least a year," was the general consensus of our friends and family. Three months later, we decided to put it in the hands of God. We stopped using birth control, but didn't purposely try to get pregnant either. We were immediately blessed with the growing life which is now my son. While I still hold a special place in my heart for the lost life of my first, if our choice had been different, my son would not have been. I still think we made the right choice.
I made the choice to try natural labor with both of my children. With my son, circumstances were such I ended up choosing an epidural which got me through an especially long and at times, dangerous labor, allowing my son enough time to turn in utero preventing a c-section. With my daughter, I shocked the midwife with the speed of my labor and lack of medication because as soon as I was allowed to do as my body demanded, I was the picture of calm control. Neither situation was ideal, but my choices do not weigh heavy on my conscious because I know they were the right things to do in my situation.
Also desperately tried to breastfeed both of my children. I wanted to do what was best for them. In the case of my son, my body did not cooperate and gave-up due to exhaustion, malnutrition and fatigue. I tried my best. I do not feel he suffered because he was formula fed. For my daughter, I persevered for over six months in the face of great pain. When that pain was preventing me from being a loving and caring mother for either of my children, I made the choice to bottle feed her as well. I stand by my choice, not because it was nutritionally the best, but because it allowed me to be the mother my children deserve.
Over the years, we have made choices every day. Each of those choices, great and small, form who we are. The choices we make in the past affect the changes we make today. Will every one of those choices be the right one? No, they can't be because we are not perfect. Can we learn from our mistakes of the past and make better choices in the future? Yes, but even those will be imperfect.
Before we judge and criticize the choices another has made, perhaps we should stand back and examine our own.
You do not need to agree with the choices another has made. You can even offer your own view on the situation. However, before resorting to name calling, bashing, criticizing and otherwise demoralizing another, realize you too have made choices not all with agree with.
Offer your support when another asks for help.
Offer your experience when another is lost.
Offer kind words when another is hurting,
Offer your opinion when another asks for advice.
Our choices are our own to make. Not every choice is right. Not every choice is equal. However, without fully knowing the circumstances surrounding the choice made, we are unfit to stand judgement.
Comments:
Well said hon. I understand where you are coming from and hate to see what you are talking about admist a group that I associate with. I consider myself an attatchment parenting mom and am proud of it and do the best I can. I've had completely different births and ways of raising all of my children and can't wait to see how things go with my daughter (my fourth child). I've noticed that so called AP moms are starting to becoming some what snobbish towards those that don't follow all the "rules". It's so frustrating!! Everyone has the right to make informed decisions for their families and feel confident that they have made the right choice and be proud of it. While I couldn't do an abortion now and would have a very hard time bottle feeding my daughter, it has not always been that way with me and I don't regret the decisions I've made because they've made me who I am and I have a wonderful family because of them. I also know that if I have to go back to work full time right after my daughter is born we will have no choice but to formula feed because I don't produce enough when I try to pump. This is a very strong reminder for me that every situation is different and I have no way of knowing what is right for someone else so to judge them would be extremely wrong of me. (I'm ranting now, sorry...) ;)
Again you miss the point- what would your children's choices have been, given the choice?
I went back to work, briefly, after my first daughter was born. I was gone for several hours a day, obviously. She was a breastfed baby who CHOSE breast- she refused a bottle.. Hmmmmm.. Now whose best interest would it have been in if I had FORCED a bottle on her, knowing she hated it? What about HER choice to breastfeed?
What about your child's CHOICE to have mommy near while falling asleep?? Why is it all about YOUR choice to CIO??
How many children do you think WANT to come into this world drugged?? Don't you think THEY deserve the choice of a natural childbirth without drugs?
Everyone wants choices for themselves. No one thinks about what their child would choose when they make their choices.
Wow.. So many follow up entries dedicated to justification.. All of them defensive..
You keep going on about "boo hoo hoo, I'm not a bad mother!! My son COULDN'T latch!!" Okay. If he couldn't then he couldn't. Why do you write about it in EVERY ENTRY??
As for your daughter- come now.. You know you created these headaches because you were determined to hate nursing. Just own up to it and move on. Stop making excuses. If you're so comfortable with your decisions then stop whining about why you made them.
There is a definite difference between someone who stands proud of themself, and one who wants others to validate her choices.
If you're so sure you did the best thing, then write an enlightening entry on the superior benefits of CIO and how no other method could possibly lead to the same conclusion.. And be prepared to disprove everyone's story to the contrary. Stand tall. Stay strong. Be firm.
Or gosh, at least convince yourself before you try convincing the rest of the world that you've done the absolute, best options available.
Why do you keep condemning me for CIO when I DID NOT EMPLOY THE METHOD! Just because I did not bash another mother for making that decision does not mean I made the same one or even endorse it. I can just understand not every family makes the same choices.
Thank you so much for discounting my headaches. I am sure such medical conditions as post-pardom depression, migraines, bi-polar disorder, and other brain chemical type conditions are also "imagined" and could be cured with a quick kick in the seat.
I write about my son in THREE or FOUR of my journal entries as an example. Having only two children, there are only so many examples I have to share. If you are tired of reading about it, STOP. How often do you go on about the virtues of attached parenting or breastfeeding? While you may consider yourself to be standing tall, another could say you are "trying to justify your choices" to everyone.
Well I guess I did the right thing all along then according to Liyoness.
My daughter hated the breast. I know that sounds dumb but she did. It was awkward for her and for me. She fought me and at times I was so determined I thought I might hurt her by holding her little head so hard and forcing her to put my nipple in her mouth. She took to bottle feeding like a pro so I guess I did what she wanted in the long run since I didnt "force" her to breastfeed. My daughter is also quite independent, a quality she has shown since birth, she wasnt really ever a cuddly baby. She always "fussed"(which is a nice word for screamed like a banshee) while you held her but if you put her in her cradle or swing she quited right down.
I did take the epidural and the pitocin when i had my daughter for mostly non-medical reasons and that WAS lack of education on my part. I admit it.
Just because some people havent ever heard of a lactation headache or migraine doesnt mean they dont exist. They do. Hormones can do all kinds of weird things to our bodies and minds especially in abnormal circumstances like pregnancy, labor, delivery and breastfeeding. I say abnormal not because these things are not natural but because you body doesnt normally have to deal with the intense amount of chemicals these instances produce. Everyone is different and everyone produces different amounts of all sorts of hormones. It is perfectly logical to have an increased amount of hormones dumped into your system while breastfeeding. There's not a whole lot of information out there about it but you have to understand that women were never the primary concern of doctors since it was always a science dominated by men. Progress is being made in that area but we are no where near where we should be.
Sometimes it's hard for people to understand things that they have never gone through. Until I was pregnant with my son(my second child) i had never had any sort of pain that even compared to a migraine and I thought all these migraine suffering people that have to take narcotics for the pain were just sissies. lol. Well "normal" pregnancy hormones caused me to get migraines in the first trimester and they damn near killed me. I was working full time and hour and a half away from my house and I would always seem to get a migraine just before I left work. It was terrible. As soon as I got home I would go to my room shut the door and close all the blinds put in ear plugs and try really hard to just let go of the pain(which never worked by the way, neither did meditation or yoga or an increase in magnesium). Luckily I have an amazing husband who totally understood and always cooked dinner and gave our daughter her bath so i could rest on these terrible days.
** Oooh and while I am writing about these migraines ...I was telling my best friend about the problems you had with breastfeeding and she said that she also got migraines while she exclusively breastfed her son and she is now getting them while breastfeeding her newest baby. It didnt even occur to her or me that they could be caused from all those hormones circulating in her blood, but it makes sense. She never got them while breastfeeding her first two children but she didnt breastfeed them exclusively either, she always supplemented. So thanks for the help. Now we at least know whats going on. lol.
Sorry this ended up being s long. Both of my babies are sleeping and I had some coffee and couldnt seem to help myself. lol.
wooooowooooo liyoness! who are you to tell another mother that her choices were wrong? no one is a perfect mother. not even you. and for you to be up on a soap box when I'm sure there are things that you suck at as a mom is just stupidity in my opinion. I've met several moms who truly try their hardest to do everything AP, and for whatever reason get it wrong, or it just doesn't work for them. each baby is different and each mother is different. and you can't tell a mom that what she is doing is wrong if that baby is healthy and happy. how dare you?! you need to check your pride before it comes back and bites you in the ass.
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