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Closure.
- Oct 11, 2008 at 5:20 PM
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- Comments (14) Total Views (400) Everyone can see this journal post.
To *****, ***, ***** and *****,
Contrary to popular belief, time does not heal all wounds. Some wounds should never be left to time. Some wounds leave their victim with a boatload of emotional issues. Some wounds fester. Mine have festered long enough. I am not looking for a reunion. I am looking for closure.
At the age of fifteen I learned that it takes just one misstep to lose the love of your entire family, and it doesn't even have to be your own mistake. I lost most of my extended family because you decided to no longer speak to one another...or at least to my family. This has affected my mother as profoundly as it has affected me. Every May that passes marks another year without a grandmother that I cherished. It also marks another year without the family that helped me appreciate how special she was.
Once, while remembering the "good old days", I asked Mom if she had tried to contact any of you and she made mention of a Christmas card that she sent one year. It came back to their house unopened and marked "Return to sender". Wow. If the point of that was to hurt her, well done...and at Christmas no less! Ouch. Come on now, people. Are we nine?
I waited for someone to have the stones to eventually tell my mother whatever it was that she did to deserve such a hard, cold shoulder from her siblings. Was it that we supported Grandpa's choice to remarry...even if it was Helen? Pardon me, but at that point I would've rather had one, live remarried grandparent than two dead ones. We ended up suffering enough for that mistake, as we had to endure the insults and jibes misdirected at our family that should've been aimed at others. You probably never experienced the helping of Christmas criticism Grandpa and Helen could serve up as a newlywed team. Weren't you the lucky ones? Thanks for leaving us to enjoy that ourselves.
Was it because Mom and Dad "inherited" the house? Did you know what a mess that house has turned out to be? Did you know that the first heavy rain flooded the basement with five inches of water (after Grandpa assured my mother that there was nothing wrong with the house)? Mom didn't even want it. Dad thought it would be nice to live in Bettendorf since our old neighborhood was going downhill fast. Grandpa wanted to keep it in the family and she was the oldest so he offered it to her first. I was thrilled to be moving into that house - even though it meant leaving a school and friends whom I loved. I remember thinking how wonderful it would be to be able to host the big Christmas and Easter parties. I thought it would be a way to preserve our happy holiday get-togethers after Grandma died. I enjoyed each time we would all be there for anything - the Fourth of July, when Cathy would carve a watermelon into a fruit bowl and put those little flags on each peak, and Jim would light fireworks at the end of the driveway, or Catherine, Elizabeth and I exhausting ourselves trying to pump that horrible organ and never getting the hang of it for more than a few halting notes of "Mary Had A Little Lamb".
I enjoyed my cousins and I've missed them greatly. I've often wondered if they have missed me, but I felt it would be betraying my mother for me to contact them. Perhaps they know the answer to my question of "What happened". Then again, maybe they're as dumbfounded as I am. Will anyone tell me, because I have been wondering what that answer was for a very long time? And it can't possibly be summed up with, "Well, things were said..."
So here I am 35 years old, married nearly thirteen years, with three beautiful daughters. Do you ever think about us? Do you ever wonder how we're doing? I've prayed for some kind of cosmic "do-over" to replace the last twenty years with nothing but happy holiday gatherings and cookouts surrounded by my wonderfully large family. It would've been really fantastic to have a few more friendly faces on my side of the church at our wedding. It would've been nice to have you there for the girls' baptisms.
I know that we'll never be the family I once believed we were. In my mind's eye - sporting rose-colored glasses, of course - I've invited you to all of these gatherings. You accepted eagerly (imagination is a wondrous thing). I imagined there was never this long absence. I would've loved to have had a relationship with John and Matt beyond that of a passing "hi" in the hallways at high school. I would've liked to have grown up knowing all of my cousins, and I wonder if they've ever felt the same.
When my mother found out that she had cancer she felt it was important to let Suzie know about it for all of your (and both nieces') sakes, hoping that she would pass the information on to the rest. She was stunned to discover that Nancy has already had cancer. Twice. She was angry and hurt that no one had bothered to tell her about it. Learning that apparently everyone but my mother was aware of Nancy's illness absolutely infuriated me. Mom believes that she was purposely excluded. Was there that much disdain for her that you thought she didn't have a right to be informed of her own family history? How kind. VERY kind. (They say it's hot in hell...)
I've reached a point in my life when I am aware of my own mortality. I don't know whether it was Mom's cancer or her turning 70 (and realizing that Grandma died at 72), but it really hit me that someday my parents will pass away. It will be devastating. I will continue to do my best to make them proud. I will seek the support of my husband and my friends. I will not be looking for you to appear. I waited for that to happen for twenty years. You never came. I've given up on that particular happy ending. Moreover, I've given up on you.
Sincerely,
Erika
I wrote this letter to my aunts and uncle while my mom was battling cancer and mourning the loss of her mother...again. While it was written out of anger, all the feelings were genuine. I have never received a response from any of them. I didn't really expect to.
Comments:
You, my friend, are a remarkable woman. I'm sorry your extended family members have missed out on such a wonderful relative. They don't know what they're missing. Moreover, they don't deserve you, or, by the sounds of it, your mother.
Oh, and one more thing, and something that I have found comfort in when dealing with my own family issues; you can't pick your family, but you can oick your friends. And sometimes, that can be so much better.
Wow, Erika. I'll never know your whole story with this, but I hope it has made you feel even the tiniest bit better to let it out. I hope you'll continue to heal; and as you continue to mature, remember that some people never mature. Take a deep breath and let it roll off. Now move on. You're far too dynamic and unique to let selfish people keep you down and steal your joy.
*virtual hugs from your fellow word nerd*
All your friends here have said it all perfectly & all I can add is my own"virtual hug" to you & mutual understanding of the distance of family members over asinine reasons.
((HUGS))
Thanks guys. It's not my usual anecdotal nonsense, but it was needed when I wrote it. I'm better these days. Feeling the love, immensely, friends.
I agree Erika, this was very powerful, to the point, well written, emotional for me since I have a similar situation (which I won't go into detail about) in my own family right now. I just pray that one day the actual truth will be told. In the meantime, I am suffering the backlash from the tidal waves. I was told it was even said, "How's that for salt in your wounds!" Sometimes, loving people can end up costing and hurting you very much!
I'm glad you were able to find closure. Like you said, the wounds caused will never heal, but at least you're able to move forward with your life in spite of them ;-} That takes courage and strength! Good for you!
Erika, I wish *I* was your cousin. We'd have family dinners together all the time.
Love and hugs. I'm sorry you have so many assholes in your family... life is too short.
Life is too short for ridiculous squabbles, but alot dont realize it till theyre on theyre death beds.
I dont kno the story behind the family issues, but thats pretty damn cold of them not even to respond.
Youre alot better then them!
Graspin for petty arguments over something 20 years old.
I hope they someday soon realize what theyre givin up. You only get one family.
I wish you the best, always!
((hugs)) Erika. Thank you for sharing such a personal event. I'm sorry but they don't deserve to have YOU in their family. You are awesome and your heart is HUGE!
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Erika,
Thanks for sharing your heart with us. I am sorry that you have been through all the rejection and hurt. I am sending you a hug.
- Rebeccalynn_dj
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